I Used To Have A Subprofile

Corruption is the new fairness

2007-07-23T23:27:00.000-07:00

Professional sports' most heralded record is on the verge of being broken by a guy whose fetish for needles rivals only that of Richard Gere's for gerbils.

An NBA ref is having nightmares wondering who is going to merk him first -- a deranged Phoenix Suns' fan, or a dude with a nickname like "Noodles".

Radio DJs are getting cash prizes to play a song that sounds exactly like the last song they played (and got cash prizes for playing, at that).

And what was left of journalistic integrity was lost the day being a past fuck of Biggie's warranted 5 mics in The Source. (I bet Oprah's mad at me for saying that.)

Fairness is dead, as is everyone who used to embody it. Might as well try to make some money off of it.

I Used To Have A Blog...

2007-05-23T09:46:00.000-07:00

Where I'm at? Not here!
Where I'm at? Metal Lungies.
Where I'm at? Not here!
Where I'm at? Metal Lungies.

From here on out, I'll be contributing to the above-linked site (named after a Ghostface song, so you know it's good). Tell a friend. Tell a foe. Tell everybody you know.

Revisiting the "Trade Deadline That Wasn't"

2007-05-18T09:49:00.000-07:00

You may have forgotten that there actually was a trade deadline during this past NBA regular season, in part because the biggest trade to take place was the MONSTER of a deal that was Fred Jones-for-Juan Dixon. There were 2 teams which could've saved that disappointing day and made for many a headline, but instead chose, rather than reaching for the phone, to sit on their hands and simply let the clock tick away. One was the/my L.A. Lakers, who could've gotten triple-double machine Jason Kidd from New Jersey had they been willing to give up Andrew Bynum, their promising 19-year old center and one of only 3 healthy big men on their injury-plagued roster. The other was the Chicago Bulls, who could've gotten Memphis' Pau Gasol, an excellent offensive post-player who may have fit nicely along side Ben Wallace, had they been willing to give up on either Ben Gordon or Luol Deng, their 2 most consistent scorers whom the Bulls' offense either lives or dies by. One (well, me, at least) can only wonder whether either team's front office pulling the trigger on their respective potential blockbuster trades could have rewarded their players with a more-extensive playoff run, and thus, a shorter vacation (though the latter may not be much of a reward for some).

For the Lakers, trading for Jason Kidd would've been a no-brainer. Witnessing how he led the Nets to a 1st-round upset of the Raptors (highlighted by his 16-point, 16-rebound, 19-assist performance in Game 3, where he was a "game-time decision" to play) shows how hungry Kidd is for a championship. Teaming Kidd up with Kobe Bryant as a starting backcourt could have been incredible, much more so than any of the Lakers' other options at point guard, be they the "despondent" (Smush Parker), the "whiny" (Sasha Vujacic), the "inexperienced" (Jordan Farmar), or "other" (Shammond Williams -- not really sure how to classify him, seeing as he hardly ever played). Sadly, Laker GM Mitch Kupchak's petition to the league office to allow the Lakers to play all 4 at once while having them count as 1 player was denied.

The hold-up for the Lakers in this deal, though, was having to cut loose Bynum, a young big man with a promising post-up game and a good 10-15 years ahead of him, in exchange for Kidd, a point guard with creaky knees who is slowly reaching the deep end of his 30s. However, as Henry Abbott at TrueHoop points out, the path to championship-caliber success in the NBA seems to be moving away from the dominant big man, and more towards smaller, faster line-ups, like those employed by Golden State, Utah and Phoenix in this year's playoffs. Furthermore, with Kidd's ability to excel the playing levels of the big men he's teamed with -- i.e. Kenyon Martin (who parlayed a couple of fancy alley-oops into a $60-million contract) and Mikki Moore (who will likely get a fat contact this offseason) -- putting him in the Lakers' line-up could have worked wonders for Kwame Brown and (especially) Ronny Turiaf. Add all of that to Kobe's sudden "win NOW" attitude (where was that statement before the trade deadline?), and Bynum's productivity and playing time dropping tremendously in the 2nd half of the season, and it looks more and more like the Lakers missed a golden opportunity by passing on Kidd.

For the Bulls, their non-trade is a bit of a toss-up. Their high-energy style of play was what got them past a beat-up Miami Heat team in 4 quick games, during the last of which the Heat couldn't even hand the fucking ball to each other without a Bulls player sneaking in for a steal. When Chicago can control the pace of the game, they do shit like sweep the defending champs and dominate in consecutive games against Detroit; but when they can't control the pace of the game, they play like they did in the 1st 3 games of the Detroit series. Having Gasol in the line-up could've helped the Bulls match up better against the Pistons, but also could've put them at a disadvantage against the Heat. Not to mention, Gasol's shimmering 0-12 playoff record wasn't much of a beacon of hope, though the counterargument that the Memphis rosters that Gasol played on weren't nearly as talented as the Bulls are now could just as easily be made (though not easy enough for me to make it).

Of course, since neither trade actually was made, both the Bulls and Lakers are at where they're at, and there's no looking back -- although, both of these trades could be made this offseason, but I wouldn't bet on it. Not all is in disarray, though. The Bulls have talented guards with shooting range, athletic young forwards, and a premier defensive presence down low. Meanwhile, the Lakers have Kobe Bryant, and... cheese. Boy, I wonder what Kobe's thinking right now. (**puts thumb and index finger to chin**) I wonder...

Whoa, slow your roll, Mamba. Maybe after a couple more 1st-round exits you can demand a trade or a buy-out. (Will that still be a trend in 2009?) Oh, and definitely change that jersey number. Trying to emulate the great MJ? Sorry, Kobe, but you're no Luke Schenscher. SHHHEN-SHUUUR.

Gangsta Rap For Kids

2007-05-11T15:12:00.000-07:00

"That's why I FUCKED YO' BITCH, mom and dad!"

NEW 50 CENT! (which sounds exactly like old 50 Cent)

2007-05-08T18:04:00.000-07:00

In anticipation of his upcoming album Curtis (due out later this year), 50 Cent has begun releasing songs to the public, the latest of which, "Amusement Park", sounds like the first extra-radio-and-club-friendly track of the bunch. It also follows in line with previous tracks of 50's like "Magic Stick" and "Candy Shop", in that it takes a concept largely popular amongst children (magic, candy, roller coasters) and smothers it in sexual innuendo. I don't know how the masses feel about this, but for me, this angle is not only running out of steam (the song is pretty lame), but it's also a little disturbing.

Perhaps this is all preparation for 50's next feature film, Get Rich Or Die Trying To Make Hit Records Based On Jokes You Made In Middle School. Here's a sample of what the soundtrack has to offer:

"Animal Sounds Farm"

My dog is barkin' like 'ROAW! ROAW! ROAW!'/
Your kitty cat is sayin' 'Meow! Meow! Meow!'/
The chicken goes 'Cluck!'/
The cow goes 'Moo!'/
And when I hit the right spot she goes 'Ooooh!'

"Happy Meal"

Open your mouth, and eat this French Fry/
And I'll open your box, and find the toy inside/
You can drink my milkshake, and when it's all done wit'/
You can play all night in my ball pit

"Vending Machine"

Press the buttons, girl, and take your pick/
You want something to suck? Or something to lick?/
When it's my turn to choose, I don't need to spend a dime/
I just put my hand up the slot, and grab what I find

The Shape of Things to Come

2007-05-03T10:05:00.000-07:00

Another NBA season, another first round matchup vs. Phoenix, and another early exit for the Lakers. Not that it's all that surprising though, considering they were playing a Suns team that has had their number all season long (not counting the fluke opening night win without Kobe).

Even though this series with the Suns ended earlier than last year's series which stretched to 7 games and was ultimately the Lakers' series to lose (which is exactly what ended up happening), and the Lakers' regular-season record of 42-40 was 3 wins less than their record in '06-'07, I have to say that I'm more optimistic about the Lakers team that will head into the '07-'08 season than I was about this past season's team approximately one year ago, when I put this together in a drunken stupor following the Lakers' embarrassing Game 7 loss. [Well, technically I thought it up in drunken stupor, then sobered up and typed it out the next day. My record is clean, no BUI's (blogging under the influence).]

While the '05-'06 Lakers played to their best abilities and still came up short, this past season's Lakers had a lot of promise that, though it stuck around until about the All-Star break, ultimately went unfulfilled. Though optimism doesn't win championships, there were a lot of "what if" questions that we'll never know the answers to -- questions that didn't apply to the '05-'06 Lakers the way that they did to this recently-eliminated Lakers team. What if Kwame Brown didn't miss 41 games? Perhaps a full season's worth of playing time would've kept him motivated and allowed him to develop some sort of consistent offensive game, not to mention taken some pressure off of Andrew Bynum, who clearly wasn't ready for so much responsibility just yet. What if Vladimir Radmanovic weren't an idiot? Perhaps he'd be providing something more than just his dashing Euro flair, like some much-needed outside shooting to take some of the double-team pressure off of Kobe. What if the team wasn't without Lamar Odom and Luke Walton -- easily their 2nd and 3rd best players -- for long, and at times overlapping, stretches of the regular season?

Perhaps they wouldn't have dropped from fighting for 1st-round home-court advantage early in the season to nail-biting their way to the #7 seed at the end of the season. I think it's fair to say that Dallas wouldn't have topped 60 wins without Jason Terry and Josh Howard each missing 20+ games, nor would Phoenix have done the same without Amare Stoudemire and Shawn Marion each missing significant time.

But, once again, these are all "what if's", and relying on all key players being 100% healthy for an entire 82-game NBA season is not realistic. As part of the aforementioned drunken stupor I was in following last year's Game 7 loss, I thought that it would be best for the Lakers to just overhaul the whole roster, and build something new around Kobe. I admit that such a view was short-sighted, but not entirely off -- the Lakers made very few changes to their roster during the last off-season and their lack of progress has shown as a result. I think it is clear that there needs to be some new players wearing purple and gold next year, and that Laker mainstays like Brian Cook and Sasha Vujacic have done all that they can. I'm not saying that those 2 in particular need to be gone, but more so that they just can't be depended on to play sizeable roles on a playoff team.

First off, Luke Walton is a free agent, and he needs to be kept. His play was huge early in the season when Odom got injured. Luke has shown a vastly-improved offensive game, and though his once-reliable 3-point shot wasn't the same after his injuries, his mid-range game was still fairly in tact, and he has a good eye for taking advantage of mismatches. Overall, he has improved in every area, and has proved to be key in the effectiveness of the Triangle offense.

Smush Parker is a free agent, and he needs to go. Somewhere far away. Put some miles on that Smushcalade. His "humble beginnings" background story and the fact that he's been a starting point guard while playing for minimal NBA money for these past 2 seasons might keep him well-liked amongst die-hard Laker fans, much in the same way we tipped a 40 for the departures of players like Slava Medvedenko and Devean George, but it's time to say goodbye to Smush -- the longer he stays, the more defensive assignments he misses, the more open shots he passes up with the shot-clock winding down, the more headbands he throws, the more he's going to be disliked by much of the greater-LA area.

There aren't too many options available on the market for the Lakers to improve their roster too dramatically, but there are a couple that stand out as being hopeful. Bonzi Wells could be had for cheap considering how he ran himself out of Houston this season. As has been pointed out several times by sportswriter Roland Lazenby in his fabulous blog Lakernoise, it is the feeling of Laker assistant, and Phil Jackson's mentor, Tex Winter that the Triangle offense would be most effective with Kobe at small forward (as noted here). While this move may cut into Luke Walton's minutes, it is worth noting that when Maurice Evans (at shooting guard) was on his game and playing alongside Kobe (at small forward), the Lakers were very dangerous. I don't think too many would disagree that Bonzi is an improvement over Evans. A big question mark to all of this, though, is Bonzi's checkered past as a bit of a "problem child" amongst the teams he's played on, with this recent episode in Houston being the latest episode.

There's also some potential to take advantage of the sorry situation that the Seattle Sonics are in, what with their 2 potentially-starting point guards who hate each other, and their future in Seattle dependent on a "miracle". If the Sonics are ready to implode, the Lakers should definitely be first in line to pick up the scraps. Earl Watson (a UCLA grad) and Luke Ridnour are both upgrades over what the Lakers currently have at point guard, as Jordan Farmar, much like Bynum, is looking promising but isn't ready for starter minutes just yet.

And of course, trade rumors surrounding names like Jason Kidd, Jermaine O'Neal, and Kevin Garnett likely won't die out anytime soon -- that seems to be Kobe's preferred path to improvement. Who knows, maybe something will actually come to fruition this off-season.

You've got to crawl before you ball, and, optimistically speaking, the Lakers are in the process of getting both feet firmly planted on the ground -- I see them as being a couple of key role players (whether or not those players come from this current roster or from elsewhere reamins to be seen) or just one other superstar (see above picture) away from reaching the 2nd round, and if growth continues, maybe a couple seasons away from title contention. Whether or not Phil Jackson will be there when that time comes is anybody's guess, but honestly, and I may be in the minority here, I don't think that will make as much of a difference to the Lakers' long-term success as getting the right players will make. Phil just doesn't seem healthy enough to be an effective coach, nor does it look like his heart is in it anymore. The whole hands-off, "sit back and watch the Triangle work its magic"-approach may have worked wonders with MJ and Scottie, as well as with Kobe and Shaq, but with this current Lakers team, I think it's taken them as far as it can.

MCs Just Wanna Have Fun

2007-05-02T12:32:00.000-07:00

Lost in all of this media hype about hip hop and degrading lyrics and Don Imus' comments and this "Stop Snitching" madness is the fact that most hip hop artists, much like you and I, are really all about having a good time. Here a few examples of MCs, who would likely cause Bill O'Reilly to clutch his purse if he saw them walking down the street, taking themselves just a little less seriously.

[Also a common trait amongst each of the following -- they'll all be appearing at Rock The Bells on August 11th in San Bernardino. As you can see, I'm taking it upon myself to spread the anticipation, like butter on breakfast toast.]

The RZA, the GZA, and the BZA, er, Bill Murray in Jim Jarmusch's Coffee and Cigarettes.
-- "You stupid, yo."
-- "He is stupid, isn't he?"

A series of vignettes Ghostface did for MTV2, entitled "The World According To Pretty Toney", for all you "smart dumb cats" out there.

Cypress Hill brought to life on The Simpsons, down to their dance moves. I'd give anything for a full-length "Insane In The Brain" remix featuring the London Symphony Orchestra -- my soul, a few bucks, whichever is worth more.

The classic "Black Bush" sketch from Season 2 of Chappelle's Show, featuring a cameo from Mos Def as the Black Head of the CIA. Viacom cracking the whip on YouTube means that the only version of this I could find has Portuguese subtitles -- in other words, everybody wins!

I want that old thing back

2007-04-30T11:02:00.000-07:00

Catching some of this year's NFL Draft this weekend made me realize just how much I miss having an NFL team in Los Angeles. Watching teams rebuild their rosters, fill gaps in their lineups, take educated guesses as to what their futures hold -- why can't I be involved in that? I mean, the local coverage of USC's dominance of the college game in recent years has been nice, but seeing as how line-ups change so drastically every year in NCAA football, it's tough for me to enjoy it with that inconsistency. [And on that note, congrats to USC's dynamic wide receiver duo of Dwayne Jarrett and Steve Smith, who were drafted respectively by the Carolina Panthers and New York Giants -- hopefully y'all can help put your teams over the top and get 'em more national TV time, so LA heads can see y'all play in the pros.]

After both the Raiders and Rams made their escapes from LA in '94, and a couple years of personal disinterest in pro football, I adopted the Tampa Bay Buccaneers as "my" team before the '97 season, based off of the rantings of radio personality Steve Mason (whose "The Big Show" with John Ireland is still on the air, previously unbeknownst to me), who picked the Bucs as a sleeper pick to do well that season, and whose opinions I often found myself agreeing with. That, coupled with the dumping of Bucco Bruce and that always-intimidating orange-and-white color scheme, and their opening day 8-6 victory over the then-dominant 49ers (a game in which Jerry Rice was injured and forced to miss most of the season), made me take notice.

My years as a Bucs fan were rewarded most handsomely with their Super Bowl win in 2002, and the fact that they whooped the Raiders' asses in that game made it even more sweet. But, even though the Bucs will always hold a place in my heart, it's just not the same as having a local NFL team to cheer for. You know how an adopted kid's parents might think to themselves who the kid's real parents are whenever that kid screws up? Watching the disaster that was the '06 Bucs, I couldn't help but remind myself, "Y'know, self, you've never even been to fucking Tampa."

I wonder what it's like in Cleveland right now. Fans are probably searching through boxes in garages and closets for their Bernie Kosar jerseys. The Browns just lucked their way into 2 of 2007's top-5 prospects in O-Linesman Joe Thomas and QB Brady Quinn (and they'll save a pretty penny on Quinn, too). Quinn, coming off of a successful tenure at Notre Dame, will get the opportunity to lead the team that plays in the city that he was born and raised in, the team that he grew up cheering for. Maybe he'll be able to pull things off as well as this other guy from Ohio that you may have heard of.

I wonder what it's like in Boston right now. Dudes named "Sullie" and "Donnie", ordering pitchers of Sam Adams at their local watering holes, debating over whether Tom Brady, who led the Patriots to 3 Super Bowls with practically no big-name receivers, will be able to co-exist with not one but TWO star wide-outs in Randy Moss and Donte Stallworth next season. One of 'em screaming that the Pats have locked up this year's championship, the other questioning just when Randy's ego will get in the way, he'll quit on the team, run himself out of town, and inspire YouTube video mock-tributes at his expense.

I wonder what's like in Miami ri... actually, these are probably pretty accurate indications of what it's like in Miami right now.

I wonder only because I simply can't know myself... and I also wonder if I'll ever be able to know. The whole "we had 2 teams, now we have none"-thing might have been funny-in-a-sad-way back when it happened, seemingly overnight, but now, it's sad-in-a-sad-way. If anybody can hear my prayers, please bring the NFL back to Los Angeles.

The Evolution of a Sneaker Fiend

2007-04-23T17:49:00.000-07:00

Nike Dunks that look like Air Jordans...

... two birds, meet one stone.

Fuck around, y'all gon' be up on Anderson Cooper's show

2007-04-23T12:17:00.000-07:00

During his classic segment on The O'Reilly Factor, Cameron "Cam'ron" Giles defended his music by comparing himself to a "reporter", reporting what goes on on the streets of Harlem. If this is the case, then the breaking news on CNN -- Cam'ron News Network -- is that Cam has a lot of money and fucks a lot women. But it appears that Cam might be trying to up his journalistic cred a bit, as he appeared on a segment of 60 Minutes last night.

Sunday night at 6:00
Told ya girl I'll be on 60 Minutes
She like, "What time is that on?"
I'm like, "sixty minutes"

Cam was interviewed by CNN's Anderson Cooper to defend, or at least explain, the recurring trend in hip hop that is the "Stop Snitching" movement. [As an aside, considering the rampant rumors regarding Cooper's sexuality, how many times did Cam have to tell himself "no homo" before agreeing to this interview?] Among other things, Cam says that the only time he'll talk to a police officer is to say, "Hello, how ya feel, everything alright?", and definitely not to get back at the people who put bullets in both of his arms in an attempt to carjack him for his Lamborghini.

My team is the goonies
Been seen with Andy Rooney
He thinks my tunes are looney
But Lesley Stahl had to do me

Now, as your typical white dude living in the suburbs who listens to hip hop music and thinks he knows something about that lifestyle, I always considered "Stop Snitching" to be somewhat of a sign of solidarity amongst the ghetto-residing youth. After all, when your neighborhood police officer appears to be less of a friend and more of a plunger-fucking, beat-'em-'til-they-collapse, shoot-first and ask-questions-last animal, why would you want to talk to 'em? Granted, there is unresolved criminal activity involved, but what's the chance that "justice" would truly be achieved, especially when Biggie and 2Pac were murdered amongst crowd of onlookers yet no arrests have ever been made? Furthermore, I always understood a "snitch" to be someone that would give up their friends to protect themselves from consequences, or, in the case of a drug dealer, someone who would give up info to cops to take down a rival (something Cam has accused 50 Cent of doing in his now-infamous "CURTIS!" video). And what kind of pride could one have in themselves after doing something shady like that? Like Jay-Z said on "A Week Ago": "The labelling of a snitch is a lifetime scar/ You'll always be in jail, n***a, just minus the bars".

However, to hear Cam say that he wouldn't say anything to police if he knew that a SERIAL KILLER were living next door to him? I think that's stretching the definition of a "snitch" a bit too wide. There's got to be some line between "protecting the lives of innocent people" and "avoiding communication with police". Cam defends this stance by saying that it would affect his business (a.k.a. his record sales) if he were to be known publicly as someone who talked to cops, and I have to question this stance on 2 grounds. For one thing, there is such a thing as an anonymous tip -- often times there are financial rewards for people who give their identity, but considering Cam being a millionaire and all, I don't think he'd have a hard time giving up that money. Secondly, Cam telling police about "the serial killer in 4E" may harm his status in the hip hop community somewhat, but how much more harmful would it be to him if it were discovered that he potentially could have saved a bunch of lives had he spoke up -- the kind of backlash that would result from that would likely extend far past record sales.

Where I'm at, dog
Ain't ever seen no serial killer
Fucked ya girl before breakfast
She said, "You want cereal, Killa?"

I am willing to give Cam some benefit of the doubt here, though. I mean, dude probably has never lived next door to someone who keeps chopped-up body parts in their freezer, and who's to say that if he ended up in such a situation that the conscience of Cameron Giles wouldn't outweigh the business-saavy of Killa Cam. But I am certain that the media and old white people alike aren't going to be as forgiving to Cam over this foot-in-his-mouth statement, especially considering the black eye that hip hop is currently receiving following the Don Imus situation. The only thing that is going to result out of this is more debate over the worth of hip hop to the greater good of society, more spotlights being shined in rappers' faces, and perhaps some serial killers looking for property nearby Cam's residence. But the real question that needs to be posed here is not to the artists, but to the record-buying public themselves, and that question is: Would you really stop supporting a rapper that would tell police that a FUCKING SERIAL KILLER is hacking up families next door?

[NOTE: The mock Cam'ron rhymes, interspersed for comedic value within this otherwise-serious attempt to spark up discussion, were inspired by this.]

By now you find your ass up shitty creeky

2007-04-19T14:18:00.000-07:00

Because it's never too late to reminisce (see previous post), it's never too early to look forward to Rock The Bells, and it's always a good time to pay homage to Ol' Dirty, here's an old interview from Swedish television with the late great Dirt Dog and Method Man, discussing the then-forthcoming Wu-Tang Forever, label politics, the government, and much more, mixed in with a bunch of old Wu music video clips.

To quote one Bigg Jus (formerly of Company Flow), if you don't understand, obviously this wasn't made for you. So fuck you.

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

I remember way back when

2007-04-18T12:20:00.000-07:00

In my quest to entertain myself while my bosses are out of the office, I stumbled across a great site called Press Rewind, which presents a collection of old '90s-era interviews with rap artists. Here are a few highlights I came across, but I definitely recommend perusing the site from top to bottom on a rainy day.

-- "I ain't never seen no surgeon general on the side of my dime bag!" Redman circa '92, with an image of a young Tame One on the 2nd page.

-- "It's rap: young Africans and Latinos trapped in a cell of hell screaming, telling somebody we're still surviving out here. I'm doing my thing and nobody's stopping me, but I'm gonna tell you what's in my way." The Source's 5-mic review of Illmatic (authored by someone named "Shortie" who probably never realized what his/her relevance to rap music would become) and an early bio of Nas via Columbia Records.

-- "When we started playin' Hip Hop, there was basically no white kids that I knew about playin' Hip Hop at all. And like, people mostly thought we were probably Puerto Rican just by process of elimination. Just thought we were strange or odd Puerto Ricans." Beastie Boys interview just before Ill Communication. Gotta love the use of the word "phukk".

-- "Snoop and The D.O.C. record vocals as Dre's hands move across the large $750,000 mixing board -- twisting knobs and adjusting levels... [Dre] hits the STOP button. 'Damn, we gotta do that again.' His ears are focused -- a big part of his music is knowing what will sound right. The RECORD button is hit... STOP. 'One more time,' Dre says. Snoop, who has just borrowed $5 from me for a bag of weed, answers: 'Fuck, man!'" Big pre-Chronic feature on Dr. Dre from The Source, back when Snoop Doggy Dogg was simply known as "the vocalist on 'Deep Cover'". Dre talks about the NWA breakup, the Dee Barnes incident, and a bunch of other shit. Can't say I'm surprised to hear Daz open the door to Snoop's pad with a "thick butcher knife in hand".

Pro wrestlers drop like flies

2007-04-13T10:34:00.000-07:00

... or like fake punches were being thrown at them. It's a sad truth.

I was a wrestling fan as a kid. I'll always be a wrestling fan at heart. I stopped really paying attention to it when Ted Turner's WCW folded in 2001, but after the World Wrestling Federation got sued by the World Wildlife Fund (fucking pandas!) and changed its name to the "WWE", it just wasn't the same. Sometimes, when I'm left with nothing to do on a Monday night but click through channels, I might stop at RAW for a quick few seconds to see if anyone I remember from back in the day is still working, but other than that, I just can't get into it anymore nowadays. Last I heard, Donald Trump shaved Vince McMahon's head, then got a Stone Cold Stunner from Steve Austin... yeah, sounds about right.

Though I had a lot of friends in school who shared this interest, there were just as many who scoffed at the idea of watching and (*gasp*) enjoying pro wrestling. "You know it's fake, right?" Yeah, and bears are Catholic, and the Pope shits in the woods. I might have mixed those up. Whatever. Anyways, people didn't watch wrestling because they thought those dudes were really hitting each other. It wasn't fake -- it was staged. Big difference. People didn't watch Scarface and run to the phone to call 9-1-1 when they see dude tied up in the shower getting a chainsaw put to him. Everyone knew that the match outcomes were pre-determined, except in the rare occasion of a "screwjob" (the infamous example being Bret Hart in Montreal) (no homo). Everyone knew that the the storylines were written, though sometimes they may imitate real life, or vice versa (for example, Triple H is actually married to Stephanie McMahon, who was his "wife" and "ex-wife" on TV for years).

Pro wrestling was like a weekly, poorly-acted movie with a bad script and cool fight scenes. It was like a comic book for kids who couldn't read (not that I was one or anything). It was like a live-action episode of the old Batman series with Adam West, except with better costumes and, unfortunately, no visual sound effects.

I was listening to Howard Stern on Monday and got wrapped up in a wrestling quiz between Wack-Packer and admittedly-obsessed wrestling fan "Eric the Midget" and a listener. I played along and got the opportunity to flex some of my wrestling knowledge, to myself at least. Who was Goldust's dad? Dusty "the American Dream" Rhodes. Got it. Who donated money to the campaigns of both Bush Sr. and George Dubya? Ric Flair. Got it. Who did Lawrence Taylor pin at Wrestlemania XI? The "recently deceased" Bam Bam Bigelow. Got... wait, did he just say "recently deceased"?

I checked Wikipedia, and sure enough, Bam Bam was found dead at his home back in January, and it was discovered in March that he had "toxic levels of cocaine" in his system. In this article on Bam Bam's death, famed wrestling journalist Dave Meltzer mentions some other recently-deceased wrestlers, and his short list doesn't even cover the half of it. For various reasons -- heart problems and drugs amongst them -- the lifestyle of a professional wrestler just doesn't lead to a long, healthy life. Looking back at my childhood and watching people I used to idolize now dying in their 30s and 40s, I wonder if I wouldn't have been better off choosing comic books over pro wrestling -- sure, Superman died, but at least he didn't die a drug-related death. Or maybe he did. Like I said, I wasn't much into comics.

As I cope with learning of yet another wrestler dying too young, I'll take this moment to remember some of pro wrestling's most notable losses...

Owen Hart (5/7/65 - 5/23/99; accident)

Perhaps the most tragic of all wrestling-related deaths, Owen died during a pay-per-view event during a botched stunt. At the time, Owen was making appearances in the WWF as the "Blue Blazer", a superhero-type character with a cape and mask that concealed his identity, because the "real" Owen had "quit" the WWF after accidentally "injuring" another wrestler. [It's almost as if quotation marks were created solely for the purpose of discussing pro wrestling.] Owen would vehemently deny that he was the Blue Blazer, despite the fact that his signature mannerisms (i.e. holding both fists in the air and screaming "WOO!") while wearing the Blazer costume were ever so obvious. In one of the funnier moments in pro wrestling, Owen attempted to prove that he wasn't the Blue Blazer by coming to the ring with the "real" Blue Blazer -- a black dude in the Blazer costume (Owen's white, that's why it's funny).

At the pay-per-view in question, in Kansas City, Owen, as the Blue Blazer, was to be lowered into the ring from the Kemper Arena ceiling in a harness, but something caused the harness to be released early, causing Owen to plummet 78 feet, chest-first into a turnbuckle. Owen's injuries and internal bleeding from the fall led to his death less than an hour later. Considering the safety precautions that were overlooked (WCW had pulled off a similar stunt with wrestler Sting numerous times with no problems), and the fact that the pay-per-view continued as planned despite the announcement of Owen's death to the home viewers (not to mention Owen's tragic fall being witnessed by the thousands in attendance), the WWF had lots of questions to answer, to the tune of $18 million awarded to Owen's family in an out-of-court settlement. Considering further the animosity held towards Vince McMahon by Owen's brother Bret "The Hitman" Hart over the "Montreal screwjob" incident, it appears like the differences held between Vince and the Harts will likely never be resolved.

Ever the "company man", Owen stuck with the WWF despite the Montreal incident involving Bret and the subsequent release of he and Bret's brothers-in-law the "British Bulldog" Davey Boy Smith (unfortunately also deceased) and Jim "The Anvil" Neidhart. He likely gained this attitude from older brother Bret, who unselfishly helped propel his younger brother to stardom by taking a loss to Owen in their match at Wrestlemania X, in the midst of their famous "Brother vs. Brother" feud. Sadly, this attitude turned out costly for Owen, who went ahead with the Blue Blazer stunt despite being worried about performing it, as well as being afraid of heights.

Curt "Mr. Perfect" Hennig (3/28/58 - 2/10/03; drug overdose)

Along with Scott "Razor Ramon" Hall and Kevin "Diesel" Nash, Hennig was one of the many WWF stars who made an exodus to WCW but couldn't keep his WWF-owned wrestling name. It didn't matter much, though, as Hennig never lost the smugness that made his "Mr. Perfect" character so hated with fans (and thus, so popular in the wrestling business). One of my favorite things about Hennig was how, on his walk to the ring, he'd always spit his piece of chewing gum up in the air, and on its way down, he'd smack it into the crowd -- living up to his claims of perfection, he literally never missed. I've always wondered how many unsuspecting wrestling spectators have had to get haircuts as a result of Hennig's piece of Wrigley's landing in their hair.

I remember when the WCW writers decided to split the nWo into 2 enemy factions -- the "good guy" nWo Wolfpac, who wore black and red, and the "bad guy" nWo Hollywood, who wore black and white. Hennig started out as a member of the Wolfpac, but he just never looked comfortable trying to get cheers instead of boos, and eventually jumped ship to the other nWo. Hennig may have been a great guy in real life, but on TV, he came across as the type of guy who would shove an old lady if she were in his way... just so long as it was the most perfect shove that had ever been done.

Eddie Guerrero (10/9/67 - 11/13/05; heart failure)

Eddie Guerrero's American wrestling career began in Extreme Championship Wrestling, the most well-known of independent wrestling circuits, and, unlike majors WWF and WCW, a place where wrestlers could get over with fans based on talent rather than a gimmick. Eddie certainly didn't need the latter because he had plenty of the former. His classic matches in ECW with Dean Malenko showcased the more artistic, technical aspect of pro wrestling that often got overlooked by people in the media who talk shit about wrestling. [Eddie's final match with Dean before they both left for WCW -- hence the "please don't go" chants -- can be seen here in its entirety. And it's a long entirety.]

Eddie was never that big physically, and that served to hold him back in WCW, where, other than winning the United States Championship in '96, he mainly wrestled within the lower-echelon Cruiserweight Division. After joining the WWF, he was given the nickname "Latino Heat", groomed as some sleazy Don Juan DeMarco "ladies man" character, typically cheated to win matches, and at times drove to the ring in a lowrider -- not exactly the most racially sensitive of gimmicks, but it won him popularity, and many title reigns. It wasn't hard to tell that in his WWF days, Eddie looked much bigger than he ever had before, so to hear that his death was partially caused by "enlargement of the heart as a result of prior anabolic steroid abuse" was shocking, but not surprising. Eddie also had past troubles with alcohol and painkillers which attributed to his heart failure, although his death came just 2 days before what would have been four consecutive years of sobriety.

Following Guerrero's death, Vince McMahon implemented stricter drug testing rules, and earlier this year, Sports Illustrated took pro wrestling to task in its ongoing reports on steroid distribution and use in sports. Hopefully these are steps in the right direction, though it's a shame that Eddie's death had to set the precedent.

R.I.P., as well, to Chris Candido, Crash Holly, Mike Awesome, Brian Pillman, Hawk from Legion of Doom, Ravishing Rick Rude, Yokozuna, Big Boss Man, Louie Spicolli and Anthony "Pitbull #2" Durante.

Separated at birth?

2007-04-12T10:43:00.000-07:00

Radio "personality", bitch boy of Howard Stern, racist, and former apologist Don Imus...

... and Bea Arthur from the Golden Girls.

Why Hip Hop Sucks in '07

2007-04-09T11:21:00.000-07:00

... because there is none.

Actually, saying that hip hop "sucks" in 2007 may be a bit harsh. Truthfully, my intention with this post title was making a tongue-in-cheek reference to DJ Shadow, which I thought might make me appear hip, though by pointing out said reference, I likely accomplished the complete opposite. Nonetheless, the fact of the matter is hip hop releases so far this year, and probably for the first time in the past few years, are lowering more in quantity than in quality.

This is certainly due in large part to the mass rush to release albums in time for 2006's holiday season. Maybe it's because I'm Jewish and thus don't make as big of a deal out of the holidays as your typical Christmas tree-purchasing gentile, but I personally don't understand the justification behind stockpiling album releases in the later months of the year. I mean, are people really buying hip hop CDs as stocking stuffers? Are people really buying hip hop CDs period?

As far as notable hip hop releases thus far in 2007 go, here are a few, of which I have the following opinions...

Some unidentified, clever internet user recently mentioned that Rich Boy (whose album is self-titled, so I'm not going to type out his rap name any more than I have to) has a striking resemblance to Timmy from South Park, and since reading that, I haven't been able to look at his album cover without at least slightly giggling. Dude has a big head, and I don't mean that as in, his ego is big. I mean, his head is fucking HUGE. It can't even fit on the damn album cover!

Anyways, everyone has heard "Throw Some D's", and for good reason -- it's catchy, and the well-produced Polow Da Don beat sounds tailor-made for Rich Boy's flow. And if you haven't heard the overloaded remix, it's worth a listen solely for Andre 3000's opening verse, and/or to hear Jim Jones say that he's "got a chest cold" and "might sneeze on a bitch". This album is as much a showcase of Polow as a producer, of which his other biggest highlight is the thumping "Boy Looka Here", the album's 2nd single and almost a polar-opposite of "Throw Some D's" as far as its sound. By the end of the album, you'll likely come away more impressed with Polow's beats than Rich Boy's raps -- quite frankly, Rich Boy's Alabama drawl is very difficult to decipher, and makes T.I. sound like Winston Churchill in comparison. While there are some moments of clarity where Rich Boy is able to separate himself from the "stereotypical Southern rapper", like on "Role Models" f/ David Banner and the anti-establishment rantings of "Let's Get This Paper" (where he shines some much-needed light on the tragic Martin Lee Anderson controversy from a year ago), there are just as many moments where he fits that very mold perfectly, such as on "What It Do", "Hustla Balla Gangsta Mack" and "Touch That Ass" (all horrible song titles, if you didn't notice). All in all, Rich Boy has its moments, but then again, so does a lot of mediocre shit.

[As an aside, I find it somewhat humbling that Southern rappers' "message" songs tend to have such generic, uninspired titles, like the aforementioned "Let's Get This Paper", or Juvenile's "I lost it all in Katrina"-song and video "Get Ya Hustle On". Maybe I've got it all wrong in my semi-ignorance of Southern rap. Perhaps these dudes are deeper than they appear, but just don't care/aren't smart enough to come up with unique song titles and choruses?]

[As another aside, I'm not quite sure what to think about the fact that, since the last Outkast album, Andre 3000 has done as many songs (2, to be exact) with Jim Jones -- the "Throw Some D's" remix and Unk's "Walk It Out" remix -- as he has with partner-in-rhyme Big Boi -- who also appears on the "Walk It Out" remix, as well as on UGK's "International Players Anthem", which can be heard here. Should I be proud that Jim Jones has moved up so much in the world that he's making music with Andre? Should I be sad that 'Kast so rarely puts out music together anymore? Should I be sad that Jim Jones has moved up so much in the world that he's making music with Andre?]

I have a hard time deciding whether or not I want to root for Young Buck. 50 Cent and G-Unit haven't been all that likable since they were the underdogs going after Ja Rule, back when he was popular (heh, remember that?), and their recent slump has indicated a sizable loss to their fanbase, and has brought many, even 50 himself, to question the crew's long-term future. Despite all this, Buck has retained an enjoyable personality that extends beyond his loyalty to 50 and G-Unit. While Buck The World isn't on the same level of his debut, Straight Outta Cashville, it's not too far of a drop off. Part of the trouble with Buck The World is that there's nothing interesting going on until the Polow Da Don-produced (popular guy, ain't he) lead single, "Get Buck", at track #5. After the album's slow and rather-generic beginnings, Buck shows his personal side on "Slow Ya Roll" and the title track, on which Buck relives his child custody drama. Other highlights include the 50 Cent-guested "Hold On", a Dr. Dre-produced track which sounds like nothing he's done before (in a good way), "Haters" f/ Kokane, a West Coast-flavored track that shows Buck's song-making versatility, and "4 Kingz" f/ T.I., Young Jeezy and Pimp C, which is a quality posse cut despite lacking originality in both its concept and its hook.

Now on it's second go-round of album releases, 50 Cent's G-Unit kingdom seems to be facing the same sort of backlash that the Wu-Tang Clan did back around 1998-2000 -- the sophomore releases from the likes of Raekwon and GZA paled in comparison to their incredible debuts, while the debuts of Wu members like Inspectah Deck and U-God, who didn't put out solo albums in the mid-'90s, went largely unnoticed. In G-Unit's cases, 50's, Banks' and Buck's sophomore albums were definitely not as good as their firsts, and Mobb Deep's and Tony Yayo's first G-Unit releases were pretty much terrible. The main difference here, though, is that Wu-Tang had a strong-enough reputation and fanbase to maintain some sort of popularity, plus a richer history in and out of music to keep something like commercial failure from tearing them apart. As far 50 and G-Unit, well... let's just say that that's where the similarities end.

Much like his often-times-partner Method Man, Redman has put out his best work in years (though also, his only work in years) in Red Gone Wild, yet no one is noticing. Besides the obvious lack of promotion, another reason for this is Redman's lack of catchy choruses here -- case in point, Red's repeating of "Put It Down" as the hook for his Timbaland-produced lead single of the same name likely isn't causing much radio buzz (I wouldn't know, as I don't really listen to the radio anymore). But lyrically, Redman sounds refreshed, his verses as clever as they ever were, and his flows equally refined. Standout tracks on Red Gone Wild include the Def Squad reunion "Walk In Gutta", which unearths Biz Markie for a rare appearance, the Pete Rock-produced "Gimmie One", the previously-released-yet-still-dope "Gilla House Check", and both of Red's weed songs with a few of his smoking buddies, "Blow Treez" f/ Method Man and "Merry Jane" f/ Snoop Dogg and Nate Dogg (even though the Rick James "Mary Jane" sample used in the latter song has been done to death, almost as badly as "I'm Rick James, bitch!" has). The only time the album falters is when Red tries to give some shine to his Gilla House crew members, not so much because the MCs themselves are lacking, but because the beats they're given to work with, on "Sumtn 4 Urrbody" and "Get 'Em", are straight godawful.

And here are a few more notable releases which I don't have the desire to talk about at length...

8Ball & MJG - Ridin' High
You'd be best to just stop listening after track #7. Or at least before Puffy's verse kicks in toward the end of track #7. It's all downhill after that.

Prodigy (of Mobb Deep) - Return Of The Mac
Prodigy will never return to being the elite MC he was in the '90s, but if Return Of The Mac is the best we can get out of P, then hope is not lost just yet. And producer Alchemist, who produces the whole thing, and most notably "Stuck On You", proves that the art of speeding up vocal samples (a.k.a. "chipmunk soul") is not dead yet either. Easily the best Mobb Deep release this century, which is actually a bit unremarkable considering that this is just a "mixtape". Could this be a sign of good things to come, or does the Mobb just not have their priorities straight? [I could take this opportunity to shit on Blood Money, but I think I've already done that in this post and I'm trying to cut down on that.]

El-P - I'll Sleep When You're Dead
I actually haven't heard this yet, as El-P is one of the few artists for whom I'll put up my hard-earned money, yet with Tower closing its doors and Borders' hip hop section being barren, I'm running low on places where I could make this purchase. And don't tell me about buying music from iTunes -- if I don't have neatly-folded liner notes in front of me and a plastic case that took me 10 minutes to get the shrinkwrap off of, then it just ain't right. I'm sure this album is quality, though, and hopefully one day I'll be able to verify that.

The Rest of My Life

2007-04-04T12:35:00.000-07:00

[... dating back just a little bit.]

December 2006: Apply to 4 Southern California-area law schools, 2 of which are nationally-recognized, and the other 2 of which are more along the lines of the locally-prominent-but-that's-cool-because-I-don't-plan-to-leave-
L.A.-anytime-soon variety.

January 2007: Wait.

February 2007: Get accepted to the 2 locally-prominent schools.

March 2007: Contact the 2 nationally-recognized schools to see what's taking them so long. Get the same response from both, which is that they're still in the decision-making process and I won't know until May.

April 2007: Commit to the better of the 2 locally-prominent schools. Pay $200 to that school to show said "commitment".

May 2007: Possibly get accepted to 1 of the nationally-recognized schools, in which case I ditch the locally-prominent school (so much for that "commitment"... and that $200, sadly). Or, don't get accepted to either of the nationally-recognized schools, and stick with the one which I gave $200 to.

August/September 2007: Begin law school.

The rest of 2007 - 201_: ?

After 201_: Profit

I learned from the underpants gnomes.

The Debate: Oden or Durant?

2007-04-04T11:11:00.000-07:00

I love playoff basketball, and that's why for these next couple of weeks, I'll be in "basketball limbo", what with the culmination of the NCAA tourney 2 days ago, and the NBA playoffs a couple weeks away. Within these passing days, as the NBA's regular season winds down, it'll be impossible for me to avoid so-called experts providing "thought-provoking" speculation and prediction of what's going to happen. So, wait, you're telling me that the teams with the best win-loss records and home-court advantage are the teams that no one wants to play against? Stop lyin'! [Granted, I could just avoid reading sports websites altogether, but then what am I going to do at work? Zing!]

I personally don't get involved in all the hype and the guessing games. All that I look forward to is seeing exciting basketball, and hoping that the Lakers can at least put forth a performance worth watching -- "worth watching" because it's good, not in that "can't look away from a train wreck"-sort of way. I figure that if I'm going to waste time (bound to happen) trying to predict the future, I might as well try to predict something that'll have an impression that lasts longer than, at most, 7 games. So, I prefer to look forward to the upcoming NBA Draft, where shitty teams attempt to utilize the little bit of luck they have left.

This year's draft will most likely showcase as the top 2 picks a couple of players, Greg Oden and Kevin Durant, who would probably be in the NBA as we speak if it weren't for Commissioner David Stern's "no more LeBron's" age-limit rule. Fortunately for Oden and Durant, their mandatory one year of college ball did not lead to any serious injuries, which sadly cannot be said for Kansas State standout Bill Walker, who was forced to spend his "March Madness" not unlike the rest of us.

Oden, a center for Ohio State University, combines attributes of some of the game's greatest centers -- the intelligence of David Robinson, the size of Patrick Ewing, the strength of Ben Wallace, and the wrinkles of Bill Russell circa now.

Seriously, though, 19 year-olds aren't supposed to look that grizzled. Young Greg must have seen some shit in his life.

Durant, the star at the University of Texas, is so athletic that he almost looks awkward playing college ball. While his ability to beat defenders off the dribble is not that spectacular, he nails pull-up jumpers like Tracy McGrady, or just uses his long arms to hit stand-still jumpers over defenders like Dirk Nowitzki. Durant is a player who gets classified as a small forward, not so much because it's his natural position, but because he can just as easily play at shooting guard or power forward, so calling him a SF is the most convenient.

Both Oden and Durant have the capabilities to turn around a struggling NBA franchise, but in different ways. As proven in his team's long run through the NCAA tournament before losing in the championship to Florida, Oden is that difference-making big man who, with the help of strong guard play (like Ohio State's Ron Lewis and Mike Conley, Jr., neither of whom played particularly well in the championship game), can put an otherwise-mediocre team over the top. Meanwhile, Durant, as proven by his team's early-exit from the tourney, is that cornerstone all-around guy that you build around -- the type of player whose potential for success in the NBA is seen more in his statistics in college than in his team's tournament success.

The debate probably won't end anytime soon as to who, Oden or Durant, should go #1 overall. Sadly, most analysts fail to factor in that who goes #1 is as much dependent on a team's needs (usually more so) than on the talent of the player himself. Thus, I will take it upon myself [as my introduction to BallHype (no homo) -- Hello, new readers! Make yourself at... ay, get ya fuckin' feet off my mom's table! Shit's made of glass, man!] to play Mr. Fix-It, go through all lottery-bound NBA teams, and jam as many square pegs into round holes as possible.

Memphis Grizzlies (currently 19-57)
Chances of getting the #1 pick (at the moment): 25%
Oden or Durant: Oden

With Pau Gasol being the subject of trade rumors all season long, this year's draft may be the Grizzlies' last chance to prove to their star player that they're committed to success -- so long as Pau hasn't already sold his house. Gasol's rumored destination leading up to the trade deadline was Chicago, where he would've had the opportunity to team with Ben Wallace and form the NBA's premier offensive/defensive big-man combo. If the Grizzlies can land Oden, and Gasol can stay patient for a little while longer, then he might not have to leave Memphis to get such an opportunity. Add that to the continuing development of Rudy Gay (whose similarities to Durant make drafting him over Oden fairly redundant), and Memphis could be really dangerous in the near future. One more thing... Rudy Gay. Hehe. [Sorry, I'm a big child... a big, hate-spewing child.]

Boston Celtics (23-50)
Chances of getting the #1 pick: 19.9%
Oden or Durant: Durant

Danny Ainge is a lot of things. Celtics' GM. Brain Type enthusiast. Major League Baseball's tallest second-baseman ever.

But someone who would bend the rules to his benefit? It that were so, wouldn't the Celtics be, I don't know, better? Maybe Ainge tries to cheat and just isn't good at it, which would explain him getting caught with his hand in the "rookie jar" (clever, I know), sitting next to Durant's parents during a recent NCAA game. The league fined the Celtics $30,000 as a result, so, in a way, Boston has already "invested" in Durant. Both Oden and Durant are projects, but I believe that Durant playing next to Paul Pierce would be more beneficial than Oden playing next to current Celtic big man and promising youngster Al Jefferson. Jefferson, a straight-outta-high-school draftee who has used this season to move past "project" status, may have his growth hampered playing alongside Oden. Durant is just as much of a project, but could be groomed by Pierce, who has been justifiably whining about the Celtics' shittyness for some time now, to become the team's best second-option to Pierce since... Antoine Walker? Ricky Davis? Wally Szczerbiak? Shit, no wonder Pierce is so mad all the time.

Milwaukee Bucks (25-48)
Chances of getting #1 pick: 15.6%
Oden or Durant: Oden

If the Bucks luck their way into the #1 pick, they'll have a tough decision to make -- whether or not to give up on the #1 pick of 2005, Andrew Bogut, who recently let the home crowd know who he thought was "number one". The Bucks have struggled with injuries to starting forwards Bobby Simmons (who has missed the entire season) and Charlie Villanueva (who has played only 39 games, and never more than 10 consecutively), which at the moment makes selecting Durant very attractive. However, if Simmons and Villanueva can return to full strength -- and both are young, they should be also to do so -- the Bucks' frontcourt may become too crowded. With a player like Oden possibly waiting in the wings, and Bogut 2 years into his career with very little to show for it, it might be worth the risk to see what kind of market value Bogut has. Granted, it's difficult to give up on a former #1 overall pick so soon, but when they're not panning out, sometimes you've got to cease the moment and make a move. Let what the Clippers went through with a former #1 overall pick teach this lesson to all.

Atlanta Hawks (25-47)
Chances of getting #1 pick: 11.9%
Oden or Durant: Durant

2 years ago, the Hawks drafted forward Marvin Williams, a college freshman who didn't even start for NCAA champ North Carolina, instead of more NBA-ready point guards like Deron Williams and eventual-Rookie of the Year Chris Paul, either of whom would have immediately filled two voids on Atlanta's roster -- players who are NBA-ready, and players who are point guards. Last year, they drafted another forward, Shelden Williams, with the #5 pick, rather than potential point guards Brandon Roy (likely this year's Rookie of the Year) or Randy Foye. Since there are no really impressive point guard prospects in this year's draft for the Hawks to pass up, Oden would be their best fit at #1, as he'd help fill up the Hawks at center, one of their weaker positions. Therefore, they'll probably pick Durant because they can't help but screw up at every NBA Draft. Also, it'll give the Hawks the opportunity to put out a starting line-up of players -- Joe Johnson, Josh Childress, Josh Smith, Marvin Williams and Durant -- who are all as physically-similar to each other as possible, and thus mess with the opposing defenders' minds. Hey, I'll guard the guy who's about six-foot-nine, and you guard the guy who's about six-foot-ni... wait a second, they're ALL about six-foot-nine! DAMN IT!

Charlotte Bobcats (29-46)
Chances of getting #1 pick: 8.8%
Oden or Durant: Hell if I know! Let His Airness decide.

The Bobcats' plan, since their recent expansion beginnings, of saving up money and building their team around draft picks hasn't been a complete failure thus far, as they've improved bit by bit each season. However, they're still at the bottom of the standings, don't appear to be moving up much any time soon, and none of those draft picks have really established themselves as "the man". Getting the #1 pick this year may be the wake-up call that lets Charlotte know that the time is now to make something happen -- weed out some of those draft picks, establish a core group, and use your millions of spending money to build around that core. If the Bobcats pick Oden, then they might be forced to choose between Emeka Okafor and Sean May, both of whom have dealt with injuries in their young careers. If the Bobcats pick Durant, then likely one of Matt Carroll (an upcoming free agent who has been big for them this year), Adam Morrison (who has struggled in his rookie year, though shown flashes of greatness as well) and Gerald Wallace (perhaps the greatest Bobcat in franchise history) will have to go. Either way, Bobcats VP Michael Jordan might be forced to take a gamble... and not the kind of "gamble" MJ prefers.

Portland Trail Blazers (29-44)
Chances of getting #1 pick: 6.3%
Oden or Durant: Oden

If he winds up in Portland, Oden would have the advantage of playing with a bunch of young guards, any or all of whom cound potentially mesh very nicely with the young center -- the aforementioned Brandon Roy, impressive rookie Sergio Rodriguez, and the underrated Jarrett Jack. Oden would also have the advantage of playing with a bunch of useless centers, none of whom would threaten his playing time -- the injury-prone Joel Przybrittle, er Przybilla, soon-to-be free agent Jamaal Magloire (who likely isn't staying in Portland), and the human oversized-paycheck that is Raef LaFrentz. Zach Randolph, Portland's leading scorer, is doing his part to help, as he'll miss the rest of this season with a hand injury, which should lose Portland a few more games and thus improve their draft position. And if Portland can land Oden, then Randolph "doing his part to help" would basically consist of staying the FUCK away from the kid -- I mean, being questioned for sexual assault is one thing, but leaving a strip club without paying? For shame, Zach. For. Shame.

Philadelphia 76ers, Sacramento Kings, Seattle Supersonics, Minnesota Timberwolves and whoever else misses the playoffs
Chances of getting #1 pick: Range from 4.3% to 0.5%
Oden or Durant: Doesn't matter. It ain't happening.

If any of these teams land the #1 pick, I'm calling "shenanigans" on David Stern. Everybody grab a broom.

5 Reasons To Attend This Year's Rock The Bells

2007-04-02T16:37:00.000-07:00

Actually, it's more like four reasons why anybody should attend Rock The Bells this year, and then one specific reason why I'm attending.

1. Rage Against The Machine reuniting
Maybe it's because of Zack De La Rocha's failed rap career -- I still remember reading eons ago, on MTV.com of all places, about Zack planning a rap album featuring production from DJ Shadow and El-P (who was "El-P of Company Flow" back then, to give you some degree of how long ago this was). Or maybe it's because of Chris Cornell's failed anything-after-Soundgarden career -- I would say "anything besides Soundgarden", but "Hunger Strike" is pure greatness. But for whatever reason, Rage is reuniting for the three RTB shows in San Francisco, New York, and San Bernardino-by-way-of-Los Angeles. [I say "by way of Los Angeles" because, well... San Francisco, New York, and... San Bernardino?!? Talk about "one of these things is not like the other". If it weren't for the size of the venue at the National Orange Show Events Center, the show would likely be held at a different Southern Cali locale, trust me.] And if you're an L.A.-area resident such as myself, and don't want spend a day traveling but do want to see Rage perform for possibly one of the last times ever, it's either RTB or Coachella, which is likely sold out anyways. And besides, while anticipating Rage's headlining night performance, would you rather spend the day listening to the likes of the Wu-Tang Clan, Nas and the Roots, or Lily Allen, Damien Rice and who or whatever a "Konono No. 1" is?

2. See Flava Flav act like a legitimate jackass
This is not to be confused with the phony, "Hey, white America, look at meeeee!"-jackass that whored himself out to VH1 for the entertaining-until-you-stop-to-think-about-it Flavor of Love, The Surreal Life, or that show where he was in love with that old white man. I'm talking about the jackass that never took off his hat and sunglasses, except to make a goofy face. The one who "crowned" 9-1-1, and said he can't do nuttin' for ya, man. The one who made songs like "Black Steel In The Hour Of Chaos" and "Fight The Power" easier for the masses to swallow, without tarnishing the messages behind them. Considering that Public Enemy's RTB appearance will mark their 20th year together, I expect nothing less than the real Flava Flav to show up, and I'd be willing to bet that Chuck D definitely won't be allowing any Flavor of Love groupies on stage.

3. Cypress Hill = encouraged weed smoking
As if "Event Staff" is going to be patrolling the crowd for contraband -- they'll be too busy getting blazed themselves.

4. N.O.S. Events Center has hopefully learned from past mistakes
As a seasoned veteran of RTB festivals, I went to their summer 2004 event at this same venue in San Bernardino to see a line-up that featured a reunited Wu-Tang Clan (the last time they'd all perform together before Ol' Dirty's unfortunate passing), Redman and Dilated Peoples. There were other performers on the undercard, but I didn't get to see any of them because I literally spent about 4 hours waiting in line. Turns out the geniuses that run the venue chose to have only TWO people take tickets and do security gropings for the thousands upon thousands of concert goers hoping to get in before the morning after. As a result, some of the more riotous ticket-holders went to work on the metal bars in the gate that enclosed the festival grounds, and eventually pulled the bars far enough apart to allow people to squeeze through them. Once security noticed this, it was too late, and they had no choice back to sit back and watch as people bumrushed the venue, knocking over barriers, full tickets still in hand, and who knows what types of drugs and/or weapons they brought in with no hesitation. While certainly convenient, the only downside to this was that it made our homie Will's efforts to sneak in pre-rolled blunts -- by putting 'em into a plastic bag, and scotch-taping the bag to his boxers -- seemingly useless. I have a bit of a hunch that something like this won't be happening again.

5. It takes place the day before my 23rd birthday
Yeah, so, this was that one reason that I had warned you about before. And I did warn you.

What will Carlos Mencia say next?

2007-03-28T10:07:00.000-07:00

I don't know, actually. But whatever it is, chances are someone else said it first, and more than likely said it funnier.

Needless to say, I'm sure that Joe Rogan has caught wind of this.

Remembering The State

2007-03-25T16:39:00.000-07:00

It has long been accepted that MTV no longer plays music videos, and in the future, generations will wonder if MTV ever played music videos -- that is, if they still know what music videos are by then. The music video is a dying medium. YouTube provided a beacon of hope a while ago, but, as a certified killer-of-time, I've noticed that it's becoming more and more difficult to find music videos on YouTube, what with everyone and their mothers filing lawsuits against them. It's almost as if ViaCom is grabbing YouTube by the collar and saying to 'em, "Look, if anyone is going to NOT show music videos, it's going to be US!"

Just like "video killed the radio star" circa 1984, mind-numbing programming is killing the video star circa now. [Granted, most music videos that actually get airplay are about as mind-numbing as the shows that have largely taken their place.] Take this "Engaged & Underage" filth that I saw on MTV the other day. So let me get this straight, sweetheart -- 21 years old and you have found the man that you want to spend "forever" with? Hey, that's fine by me, I won't even dig deep into the fact that about 80% of marriages that take place between people so young end up in divorce. Instead, here's my issue -- you claim to be so devoted to that person that you dropped out of college and got a shit job sticking price-tags on canned food at the local Safeway to save up money for your wedding. Well, by my estimation, "forever" is a pretty long time. In fact, about 5 years from now, we'll still be in the midst of "forever". So, how about you use that time to get your education, establish a long-term career for yourself, and then you can get married? That'd be the sensible thing to do in my eyes, but then again, MTV's programming hasn't been sensible in a long time.

That's not to say that I expect something intellectual from MTV -- far from it. But I still want to believe that there's more to their network's programming than following people around with cameras and waiting for them to do something. I miss the MTV shows that at least appeared like they were putting forth some effort to be entertaining. Jackass. The Tom Green Show. Buzzkill. The Jon Stewart Show. Motherfucking Remote Control, even.

But the show that I miss the most from MTV's past was The State, a sketch comedy show which ran from 1993 to 1995, starring the comedy troupe of the same name. If you don't remember The State, chances are that you've come across them in some way, shape or form, as members have since gone on to star in Comedy Central vehicles like Viva Variety (which was short-lived, but wasn't that funny), Stella (which was also short-lived, but pretty funny in a "downright silly" short of way), and Reno 911! (which is a mega success though it can be hit-or-miss at times). Most would agree, though, that their MTV show was their best work -- creatively written, absurd ideas, and the ridiculous transitions between sketches were flawlessly-executed.

Fortunately, MTV is making somewhat of an effort to stir up interest in The State again, releasing 1st season episodes on iTunes, with future releases (and possibly a DVD) if there appears to be demand for it. If you are a proud owner of a Video iPod (which I recently became), it's definitely worth the $1.99 per episode. And if you're not, or are cheap (which would be odd, considering that iPods themselves cost at least 100% more than a single episode), here are a few clips of the show I was able to scrounge. Check 'em out before YouTube gets sued again.

[Note: Below is what I hope to become one day.]

Rappers Who Suck: Fat Joe

2007-03-23T10:11:00.000-07:00

First off, Fat Joe hasn't always sucked. I can't go as far as to say that I ever thought he was that good, but in the beginning, he wasn't bad. Back in the mid-'90s, as a member of the crew D.I.T.C. (Diggin' In The Crates), he worked with the likes of O.C., Lord Finesse, the late Big L, remixes by DJ Premier; times were good, respect was deserved. He put Big Pun on, and was smart enough to play the background and let Pun become a star, famously holding an umbrella for Pun while he himself stood in rain in the "Still Not A Player" video. Of course, Pun passed in 2000, sadly but not surprisingly -- hey, things like that happen when you hit 700 pounds before you're 30.

[NOTE: The above picture is to scale.]

Is it any coincidence that Fat Joe didn't have a major hit single until 2001? Now, I'm not blaming Joe for upping his star power in the wake of Pun's death, nor am I even accusing him of such. There are spots in the hierarchy of popular rap music for lots of people to be famous, and it's short-sighted to say that Joe "took" Pun's spot after he died. All I'm saying is this: if Pun had the reasonable foresight to take better care of himself, Fat Joe wouldn't be half as "hot" as he thinks he is right now, and as a result of Pun's inability to do that, a monster has been unleashed. We miss you, Pun, but seriously -- you know you done fucked up, right?

Post-2000 "superstar" Fat Joe (not to be confused with his former respectable self) has made a career out of copying trends. If I'm just severely out of touch, and Fat Joe really is "what's hot" right now, then it's only because he systematically seeks out what's hot and attaches himself like a leech -- basically, every trend that Joe has ever "contributed" to would exist just as well without him. Cam'ron started wearing pink, and Joe followed suit. Nelly made a song about Air Force 1s, and then Joe is all on MTV Cribs showing off crates of white-on-white Nikes, trying to prove that he hasn't worn 'em yet by licking the bottoms. [Personally, I wasn't convinced. Maybe he stepped on french fry the day before?] Ja Rule and LL Cool J each thought it would be a good idea to lend their "singing" voices to a Jennifer Lopez song, and wouldn't you know, there was big, shy Joey, emerging out of the corner, unable to lift his eyes off of the floor, delicately raising his voice... "Hey guys, you think I could try that?" Sure, Joey, go ahead. Matter of fact, you can have it.

Today, one of the more popular trends amongst people with more money than they know what to do with is just throwing it in the air and letting it fall as it may. "Making it rain," as the kids say. And sure enough, who else would take it upon themselves to write a song about it? Like to hear it? Here it go!

It's not so much Fat Joe's lyrical abilities which factor into his suckiness, as he at least comes off as competent enough to not embarrass himself with his raps. It has more with what he says rather than how he says it, and he says nothing quite as often as he says "crack!", as in the lyric "Crack crack crack crack crack!" It would appear that either Fat Joe is in the same vein as Mike Jones as far as repeating shit, or he has Tourette's syndrome (although those two may be one in the same). Considering how often he repeats the word "crack", and calls himself "Joey Crack", and talks about cocaine, you might be led to believe that Joe is some drug lord... that is, until you find out that the nickname was earned based on a young, portly Joe's inability to get up in front of class without revealing his ass-cleavage (true story). Quite a blatant confusion of words there, and worse yet, it may very well set off a dangerous precedent, if it hasn't already. I mean, if we can't trust rappers, who can we trust? Even your friendly neighborhood rabbi might be up to something when he says he's going down the block to "get some coke".

Look past the smile and the bushy beard -- do you see a soul?

Rappers Who Suck: Baby

2007-03-21T14:58:00.000-07:00

I have a hard time looking at Puff Daddy as "Diddy". Scratch that -- I have a hard time looking at Puff Daddy, period. But I have an especially difficult time looking at him as "Diddy". It takes a certain level of pompousness to announce that you must be referred to by a name of your choosing which isn't on your driver's license (unless you choose to legally change your name, like the Ultimate Warrior did), but it takes an even greater level of pompousness to announce that you are changing your nickname. Plain and simple, nicknames are to be chosen by people other than the recipient of the nickname. The only person who gets a pass on this unwritten law is scrappy ex-NBAer Jerome Williams, who labelled himself "Junkyard Dog". But seriously, take a look at the dude...

If this guy doesn't deserve to be known as "Junkyard Dog", then no one deserves anything. Ever. Word to the feather boa.

Of course, rap names are different, because most rappers are expected to live within a persona, one that wouldn't normally come with a given name like Curtis Jackson or Shawn Carter. However, Diddy is not a rap name, because Puff Daddy -- by my definition, at least -- is not a rapper. That's because he uses ghostwriters (the proof is in the Wiki). In other genres of music, where one gets recognition based on their vocal abilities, having people write your songs is a bit more forgivable. But in rap music, you get recognition (for the most part) based on what you write -- if you don't write, you're not a rapper, and Puffy has alluded to/bragged about the fact that he doesn't write. "Don't worry if I write rhymes, I write checks". Remember that? [Due to this, sadly, Puff Daddy will never be the subject of one of these "Rappers Who Suck" posts. But let the record show that I still think he sucks.]

It's not a huge secret that a lot of so-called rappers who are more widely regarded for their contributions to hip hop music away from the microphone -- like Puffy, Dr. Dre and Jermaine Dupri (whose "contributions" don't really extend beyond Kriss Kross and Da Brat) -- employ ghostwriters. One such person who doesn't, however, is Baby, a.k.a. Birdman, the CEO and co-founder of Cash Money Records, and, if you believe everything you read in album titles, Lil' Wayne's "father". How can I tell that Baby, someone who came up largely on the business side of the music industry, doesn't use ghostwriters? Shit, have you ever heard him rap??

To Baby's credit, recording music with an always-improving Wayne has helped a little, and he can always be proud of the fact that he outshined The Clipse on "What Happened To That Boy?"; and though this isn't really related to actual "rapping", he also has the most brilliant album cover ever. But just like I can't see Puff Daddy as Diddy, I can't see Baby as anything above a rapper who sucks -- he's just sucked for too damn long. And with his verse on "Project Bitch", he dug a hole of suckiness FAR too deep for anyone to dig themselves out of. You may have heard the song in question in passing one day, and heard Baby's verse and thought, "Wow, this guy isn't very good." To you, I say this...

Try reading his lyrics (below) to yourself. If you're like me, then by the time you reach the sixth bar (where Baby cleverly rhymes "fuck" with "fuck"), you'll probably be questioning the purpose of Baby's existence, the purpose of your own existence, why rap music isn't as good as it used to be, the meaning of life, and other such things.

"A n***a could catch me re'd up/
Them white folks know the code so we G'd up/
And my Range Rover 4 door be D'd up/
Tattoos and new cars and these project cuts/
Got this n***a bitch I know been wantin' to fuck/
I deal with sluts, ladies, and bitches don't give a fuck/
Project bosses, Weezy say "Respect Us"/
Bitch n***a find me in a 4 door Lexus/
I got a bitch shoot dice, and a bitch that ain't right/
I got a bitch who will front ya work and take ya life/
I got a credit card hoe, a scam type hoe/
A fraud type hoe, like to snort that dope/
A dick suckin pro, a calico hoe/
A real solid bitch out Chicago/
I got a brat type bitch like to whine and shit/
I got a project bitch like to start some shit"

Rappers Who Suck: Keith Murray

2007-03-20T14:55:00.000-07:00

One of the lesser-recognized rap beefs of the '90s was between Keith Murray -- 1/3rd of Def Squad, along side rap legends Redman and Erick Sermon -- and Prodigy from Mobb Deep. Lesser-recognized not only because it wasn't related to the East vs. West/B.I.G. vs. 2Pac drama that dominated the news at the time, but more because, well, it just wasn't that interesting. Apparently, Prodigy had a lyric about rappers who talk about "smoking weed" and "space shit" -- although we'll never really know if Prodigy intended to go after Murray with these words, for Keith, the shoe not only fit, but it went well with his shirt, too. The situation, which had apparently been once resolved, came to a head on LL Cool J's "I Shot Ya (Remix)", which, oddly enough, featured both Murray and Prodigy, and contained an obvious lyric from P which was edited out of the final version ("Some (pussy) kids feelin' guilty about some (space shit)/But you first, baby girl, so just face it"). Murray would later confront Prodigy outside of a club in NY and the two apparently fought it out, both claiming to have held the upperhand (big surprise, I know). Hearing them talk about the altercation in interviews, though, Murray comes off as a more convincing victor; considering Prodigy's track record in rap beefs, this is not at all surprising either.

[As an aside about Prodigy, he has a mixtape due out later this month entitled Return Of The Mac, produced entirely by Alchemist, which -- judging by P's incredible lead video -- may be the most promising attempt to resurrect Mobb Deep out of their seemingly-never-ending slump. And even if it falls short of expectation, at least it brings to mind the Mark Morrison classic of the same name.]

Regardless of who came out on top in the beef, you can't fault Prodigy for speaking the truth -- pretty much all Keith Murray rapped about was, indeed, "some space shit". It's really too bad because he could've been so much more than that. He certainly had the tools at his availability -- a vicious voice that matched his demeanor, not to mention coming into the music biz on the shoulders of then-rap giants Redman and Sermon. I can't help but wonder why neither of the two didn't pull Keith aside one day and tell him, "You know the approach that you take to writing verses? Yeah, you know, just throwing around a bunch of big words that don't really go together but happen to rhyme? Um, well... it's not really doing anything for you. In fact, it's kind of shitty." Maybe Keith's take on the Prodigy issue really was actual fact, and Keith will just knock the fuck out anyone who criticizes his music -- that would shed some light as to why that teenager caught a bar stool to the face swung by Murray in '95.

If so, I'm glad that neither me nor any of my immediate family knows Keith Murray. And if you're reading this and know Keith Murray personally, and know me personally, please don't do him the favor of introducing us. For the love of God.

I first heard Keith Murray on Redman's '94 release, Dare Iz A Darkside, on the track "Cosmic Slop". His opening bars resemble much of what he's had to offer since:

"With amazing manifestations, I dictate to nations/
More Cosmic Funk innovations in my creation"

Lots of word end in "-ation", and I think that Keith's motivation (See! Told you!) here was to try to fit as many of them as possible into two bars. Keith Murray was like Canibus with an elementary school education level. When listening to a verse from him, there was always a sense of anticipation of that one ingenious line that would draw a reaction like, "Oh shit! I'd rewind that back if I weren't so fucking lazy!" Sadly, that line would never arrive. Instead, there'd just be a lot of big, easy-to-rhyme words delivered sloppily, sometimes so much so that you wondered if Keith himself even knew what he was saying. One example that always stood out to me was on Redman's '98 album, Doc's Da Name 2000 (yes, Redman has smoked a lot of weed, perhaps he forgot what year it was), where Keith had a lyric saying that his rhymes hit "with more power than a molecule enzyme". Now, just like that song from the movie Animal House, "I don't know much about science book" -- but I know enough to know that the power with which an enzyme hits is not really known (nor does it really matter to the overall study of science), not to mention that an enzyme's primary purpose is to catalyze chemical reactions involving molecules, so to say "molecule enzyme" is fairly redundant -- kind of like how in middle school, they'd serve "nachos and cheese". Nachos are, by definition, chips and cheese. No need to throw that second "cheese" in there, unless you're really trying to emphasize the fact that there's cheese on 'em.

As someone who (claims that he) knows a lot about hip hop, I can't think of another MC with such a rugged demeanor who went out of his way to put words like "planetarian", "organic compound", and "membrane" into his music. Though I admit to not being a fan of Keith Murray, I must commend him for his efforts in trying to blend such different styles, ending up with some hybrid, hardcore, super-scientifical rap shit which just never seemed that interesting. After all, the only way to really find out if two things can work together is to put 'em together and see what happens. Sometimes, it works out.

Sometimes, it doesn't.

And sometimes, it sucks.

Rappers Who Suck: Lil' Cease

2007-03-19T12:32:00.000-07:00

A popular phrase often used by hip hop bloggers, such as XXL's Byron Crawford (who also runs his own fairly-entertaining site) and Noz (who also runs Cocaine Blunts, which is a great site for stirring up memories of times in hip hop that you never knew existed), is "weed carrier", which is meant to refer to a rapper whose entire existence is largely due to him being a crony of a more-famous rapper. This does not always mean that said rapper may not possess the talent and/or drive to have established himself on his own -- but simply put, for the modern weed carrier, that just wasn't the desired outcome.

Nowadays, weed carriers are almost as important for a platinum-selling rapper to have as expensive jewelry and mean mugs. T.I. has one. 50 Cent has a handful. The trend has even trickled down into the world of sports, as Denver Nuggets star Carmelo Anthony has a couple, literally. On a few rare occasions, there may even be a role reversal between the weed carrier and the rapper who brought said weed carrier into the limelight. Case in point...

... you tell me which is which?

One of hip hop's first weed carriers were the Junior Mafia, The Notorious B.I.G.'s crew. It's fair to say that Lil' Cease (or Lil' Ceaser, if you're cool like that) was the third most-recognizable face out of JM, after Biggie and the back-then-still-somewhat-attractive Lil' Kim, but I can't say I know exactly why -- either it was because he got the most time on the mic besides Biggie and Kim on JM's lone crew album, 1995's Conspiracy, or because he was so wack that it was hard to not notice him.

Today's usual weed carrier at least has the courtesy to come off a little differently than the rapper that brought them into the public eye. However, listening to Cease rap, you can't help but get the impression that Cease wanted to rap just like Biggie -- and furthermore, you can't help but get the impression that Cease was nowhere near Biggie's level. His attempts at matching Biggie's cleverness and intricate rhyme patterns often fell flat, and I can think of no better example of this than Cease's first bars to the opening verse of the (otherwise) classic JM track, "Player's Anthem".

"Now, who smoke more blunts than a little bit?/
What are you, a idiot?/
Listen to the lyrics I spit"

Yeah, Cease, we're the idiots. You're the one who claims to "smoke more blunts than a little bit" -- the fuck does that even mean? That's such a wide range to put on an amount of blunt smoking, it could practically mean anything. I'll cut myself off before I get into the even-worse "toss your clothes like a salad" line from "Crush On You".

Though rather short in stature (hence the "Lil'"), Cease's rap voice held an uncharacteristically deep tone to it, almost as if he was forcing himself to further sound like Biggie. It didn't help that he had a terrible rapping voice to begin with, sounding like he had food in his mouth throughout his verses -- mind you, not sounding like he was eating, but rather as if he took a big bite of a sandwich, recorded his verses, and then commenced to chewing and swallowing. Listening to a Cease verse was like witnessing a game of Chubby Bunny that had gone on for too long. Perhaps in Cease's daily schedule, his routine mouthwash gargle always overlapped with his recording sessions?

How you like that, gingivitis? What are you, a idiot?

Bad voice, bad lyrics, and a complete lack of rhythm -- all of these things add up to but one: suck. It has been 10 years to the month of Biggie's unfortunate murder, and the only relevance to hip hop that Lil' Cease holds are the references to him in some of Biggie's classic verses, be it visions of Cease playing Nintendo, or offering a ride home to a Biggie one-night-stand the morning after. To me, though, Cease will always be remembered as a victim in one of hip hop's most ambiguously gay lyrics in recent memory, courtesy of Jadakiss in "Knock Yourself Out":

"I'm like Big wit the murder mamis up in Belize/
But I'll still fuck a chickenhead like Lil' Cease"

A chickenhead like Lil' Cease, eh?

Oh, chin up, Jada. I won't tell anyone.

Number one in Afghanistan, G!

2007-03-15T15:29:00.000-07:00

There's something funny about this Khalid Sheikh Mohammed dude, and I'm not referring to the fact that his middle name is apparently pronounced "shake", though I must admit that I find that fucking hilarious. But this whole things just reeks of "patsy" -- I mean, how coincidental is it that the one guy who the U.S. has most recently captured is claiming credit for organizing 9/11, and the 1993 World Trade Center bombing, AND the beheading of American journalist Daniel Pearl? If I were to compare the Taliban to a corporation, then organizing such major deals like the two most historic attacks on U.S. soil in past 20 years seems like something that a guy in a Board of Directors, "I run shit"-type of position would handle. Meanwhile, chopping off a dude's head seems more along the lines of a middle-management, "trying to move up in the company"-type of task. I just can't see a "mastermind" like this Sheikh dude sporting the mask and gloves, stepping in front of the camera, and getting blood all over his Armani suit (hypothetically speaking, of course -- in Sheikh's case, a smelly white tee), before hopping into his Ferrari (dune buggy) and heading to the country club (deserted cave) to meet with Osama Bin Laden for a round of golf (comparison of facial hair) and a meal of caviar and champagne (sand and water).

Hmmm. "Mastermind" Khalid Sheikh Mohammed. Mastermind Sheikh. Master... Shake?

BOOM! Suspense! Kind of puts a whole new twist on that whole ordeal in Boston earlier in the year. Marketing campaign, you say? I think "striking fear into an entire nation" is a more fitting definition! I think back to the good ol' days, when promotion was you telling something to someone, and telling that someone to tell someone else, who would in turn tell another person, and so on and so forth. That way, you could get your word out to, like, SIX people! Much more effective than some battery-operated board with blinking lights and a middle-finger-extending creature from the Moon, and fewer people shitting their pants because they think they see a bomb. I'll tell you, there's something wrong with the kids these days -- staying up later than 8 p.m., watching "stoner cartoons", funding terrorism with their dirty habits... oh, I'm sorry, you didn't know DRUG MONEY FUNDS TERRORISM? Open your eyes, people! It's a fact! Eff ay see tee!

[Boy, that Nick sure is a push over. You'd think he might ask Norm for some ee vee eye dee ee en see ee.]

I'm surprised, and a little disappointed, that no one in the media has picked up on this suspicious connection, but I'm confident that it'll be easier to pick up on once the U.S. captures Sheikh's co-conspirators, Aasim Freilaak Najar and Ali Faarooq Al-Meetwaad.

The End of Innocence

2007-03-12T10:38:00.000-07:00

[The italics indicate that I'm stealing this from somewhere. You should be able to figure out from where, though.]

Now, this is when I know I'm in a bad neighborhood, you only see this in the worst neighborhoods. Remember, this was 3 o'clock in the morning. I looked out the window, and there was a fucking baby standing on the corner. And the baby didn't even look scared, he was just standing there. And it made me sad, you know, because I wanted to help the baby. I was like, "Mm mm, I don't trust you either. Click! The old baby-on-the-corner trick, eh? Not gonna fall for that shit."

As time goes by, I start feeling worse. I was like, "What the hell is wrong with me, I'm scared of a baby! But this baby could be in trouble, he may need my help. I gotta do something." But I wasn't gonna get out of the car. I'm serious, man. I just cranked the window open a little bit. "Hey baby! Baby, go home, man! It's 3 o'clock in the morning man, what the fuck are you doing up?"

The baby says, "I'm selling weed!"

"Hey, baby! Stop selling weed, all right, you've got your whole life ahead of you."

He goes, "Fuck you, I got kids to feed!"

The NBA All-YouTube Team

2007-03-08T17:04:00.000-08:00

And now, I present an all-time starting line-up of NBA players, past and present, who have benefitted the most from the invention of YouTube and its ever-growing collection of highlights and mixtapes, be it by casting light upon the previously unseen, or by emphasizing greatness that has already been confirmed. Credit is due to TrueHoop (the extraordinary basketball blog recently purchased by ESPN, which first presented to me most of what I'm about to present), as well as boredom, and having a day job which provides me with the lethal combination of internet access and copious amounts of down time. Enjoy. [And I must warn you, since I had nothing to do with the makings of these videos, the quality of the background music in each of them are completely beyond my control -- I fucks with Guns 'N' Roses "November Rain", but Creed? Not so much.]

PG - Pete Maravich

Considering how popular streetball has become in recent years (though I must admit that that popularity has been steadily declining), a player like "Pistol" Pete could've broken every jersey-selling record if he played in this day in age, just like he broke every NCAA scoring record at LSU. Unfortunately, his playing days ended before the '80s, and even more unfortunate, he died at age 40 of a heart attack (caused by a rare heart defect) after collapsing during a pick-up game. [And talk about "ironic", check out Pete's quote here -- what'cha think about that, Alanis Morrissette? Rain on your wedding day doesn't sound so bad now, does it?] Though Pete still holds numerous scoring records from his college days, it's the passes in this mixtape that are the most impressive. Even the equally-legendary, and equally-deceased, Red Auerbach can't contain his excitement while watching Pete demonstrate the "wrist pass" (about 3:10 from the beginning) -- hey, if Red tells you not to try something, don't fucking try it, alright!

SG - Michael Jordan

As if an All-Anything-Related-To-Basketball Team could exist without Jordan on it. The above clip -- footage of Jordan's 63 points against the Celtics in the '86 playoffs (a playoff record) following a regular season in which he played only 6 weeks due to a leg injury -- should leave no questions to be asked about MJ's legacy... other than, perhaps, why the FUCK he allowed Orlando Woolridge to take the last shot of this game (an air-balled 3-pointer, no less). The clip is brought to you by YouTube stud hoopsencyclopedia, whose collection of legendary Jordan games is second to none.

SF - Vince Carter

I think Vince Carter should owe some sort of royalties to YouTube, because the number of dunk clips of his on there are probably the best PR he could hope for. No matter how many reasons you may have for disliking Vince -- the exaggerated injuries, the lack of effort during Toronto's bad seasons, the trade demands, the whole "fooling a nation of children into thinking you deserve to start in every All-Star game based on your dunking ability" thing (fortunately that last one seems to be coming to an end) -- it can't outnumber the amount of highlight-reel dunks in the above video. That's 100, to be exact, ranging from his NBA days in Toronto and New Jersey, to UNC, to high school, and even a few as a member of Team USA (with the infamous Frederic Weis posterization high on the list). Sadly missing from the above mix is, perhaps, Vince's greatest "move" to date.

PF - Shawn Kemp

Hard to believe that in a 1996 Finals that starred Jordan, Pippen, and an in-his-prime Gary Payton, many considered Shawn Kemp to be the most impressive player on the court. Simply put, 6'10" dudes shouldn't be able to dunk the way the Reignman did -- taking it coast-to-coast, swinging on the rim, pumping the ball multiple times, catching alley-oops with one hand from whatever distance. As much as I loved watching Shawn play, I've said it before and I'll say it again -- the fact that all of his recent comeback attempts failed... it's probably all for the best.

C - Arvydas Sabonis

The original "30 year old rookie", Arvydas (as opposed to "your-vdyas") was originally drafted by the Portland Trail Blazers in 1986, but due to circumstances which no longer affect foreign-born players trying to jump to the NBA, he didn't actually play for them until 1995. Considering how solid of an NBA player he was despite being overweight and having feet of stone (due to knee injuries suffered while playing in Europe), one can only imagine if the addition of an in-his-prime Sabonis to the Blazers' 1990 and 1992 Western Conference Championship teams could've propelled them to being NBA champs as well (they lost both years), not to mention where it would've ranked him amongst the greatest NBA centers of all-time. According to Croatian-born ex-NBAer Dino Radja (whose quote appears at the beginning of this video), he would've been "better than David Robinson" -- however, considering how some Eastern Europeans go back on statements, it's quite possible Dino changed his mind the next day.

Important moments in French history

2007-03-07T11:23:00.000-08:00

1755 - Menon's cookbook, Les soupers de la cour, includes a groundbreaking recipe for "fried potatoes".

1992 - Four-and-a-half year-old Jordy Lemoine's biting social commentary provides new details into the difficulties of being a baby. His conclusion: "It's tough".

2007 - San Antonio Spur Tony Parker's burgeoning/bludgeoning French rap career improves the English/French language barrier. Americans learn that the French word for "basketball" is basketball; the French word for "balance" is balance; the French word for "baby" is baby; and the French words for everything else is random gibberish.

"It's not fooling anyone!"

2007-03-06T16:41:00.000-08:00

So, as I'm departing from the jay-oh-bee the other day, taking my usual elevator ride down 22 stories (actually 21 when not counting the traditionally-absent 13th floor), I find myself sharing space with a middle-aged gentleman, one hand clutching a briefcase, the other a box of raisins. The briefcase and raisins are rather insignificant details, but I like to paint a picture when I tell a story -- call me Stevo Bucasso. Anyways, dude appears to be on the bad end of his 50s, yet he's sporting a mop-top haircut, a pretty uncommon combination. Considering that the sides of the hair seemingly growing out of the top of his scalp are not attached to the sides of his head, it gave off the impression that homeboy was rockin' a toupee. Now, I don't claim to be an expert in identifying toupee-wearers, but I'm not without some experience -- my orthodontist's hairpiece used to lift off at the sides, kind of like the hat Napoleon Bonaparte wore.

As time passes in the elevator, homeboy tilts his head downward for some unknown reason, perhaps to conceal the excitement he's getting from the anticipation of eating raisins. [And let this aside be a reminder of how shitty it must be to grow old -- when's the last time you looked forward to eating raisins?] As he does so, I notice a bald spot on the top of his head, and just like that, my "homeboy's rockin' a toupee" theory has had holes put through it like so much gunshot wounds. And that got me to thinking...

Older men wear toupees in an attempt to hide from the general eye-possessing public the fact that they're bald and/or balding. However, making one's toupee appear too obvious defeats the whole purpose of wearing it in the first place. A toupee, by definition, appears as if it were a perfect piece of hair -- and realistically, how many guys pushing 60 would you believe to have full, perfect heads of jet black hair? Basically, what I'm taking the long route to explain here is, I've come up with a genius brainstorm, which is...

Toupees with bald spots in them. [Patent pending!] Think about the benefits for the customer. The suspicion that passers-by used to have as they'd silently question whether or not one was a toupee-wearer -- GONE! And more importantly, it could do wonders for their self-confidence. Rather than feeling forced to make some improbable leap from having a dome that the sun reflects off of, to having a head of hair that the Gods themselves would envy, they'd be able to move back to a more believable "mid-balding" phase, and thus more fully embrace their imperfections. Granted, they'd still be lying to themselves, but just not as maliciously. They would now have the courage to stand up to the world and say, "Sure, I'm not perfect, but at least I'm not some bald LOSER! Now, if you'll excuse, I have to go somewhere to cry and eat raisins."

Of course, there is some risk involved in this idea. The success of the concept itself relies heavily on secrecy, and merely advertising the product could effectively let the cat out of the bag. [And what type of twisted freak would put a cat in a bag, anyway?] Furthermore, there is also potential for increased suspicion, as people who would simply otherwise be dealing with their continuing baldness might then be looked at by others as possible toupee-wearers. And trust me, the last thing that I'm trying to accomplish here is to alienate those truly great American heroes, who treat their bald heads not like a mentally-disabled sibling who's kept in the attic and fed fishheads, but rather, like a close companion for the all of the world to see.

As you can clearly see, this is still a work in progress. I'm open to assistance, so be sure to tell all your friends. And don't forget to also tell them this: "Patent pending!"

... and while we're on the topic of baldness, I couldn't resist throwing this in.

Is your computer 'puting?

2007-02-14T16:56:00.000-08:00

My new favorite NCAA basketball player (not that I had a particular favorite prior to now) is Spencer Hawes from the University of Washington. Not because he's a near-7-foot-tall freshman leading his team in scoring and with potential to become a quality NBA player -- lord knows I've put my faith in many a promising white dude in the past and have come out of it feeling shamed. Truth be told, while I don't wish any ill will on Hawes, I don't really care whether or not he amounts to anything in the pros. All I have to say about him is that I have the utmost respect for someone who wakes up in the morning and says to himself, "Hmmm, SportsIllustrated.com is coming over to takes pictures of my student apartment, I wonder what t-shirt I should wear?"... and then makes this decision.

2006: Year In Downloading -- Part 6

2007-02-09T14:25:00.000-08:00

I chose not to actually rank my favorite albums of '06 because I wanted to make something a bit more readable, not just a big old list. Whether or not any of it actually got read, however, I may never know. But regardless of whether one feels the need to place others' work in an order of excellence, and say "this is better than this but not as good that", most people with opinions likely hold one particular piece of work as being above all others. How many debates have taken place over who's, for example, the 5th greatest something of some era of time? Probably none, though I'm sure there's some very lonely people out there who have given it thought. But there's always arguments as to what is the greatest, the pinnacle, the apex, the most-highest-thing (sorry, can't find a thesaurus). For that reason, I offer what I hold to be the best hip hop album that 2006 had to offer...

Allow me to make a ridiculously-vague statement before following it up with an explanation -- Hip Hop Is Dead is one of Nas' most important albums (pretty vague, right?). It's not as important to hip hop's history as his debut Illmatic, one of the greatest representations of the genre. It's not as important to Nas' own career as Stillmatic, which brought him up to par and, depending on who you ask, possibly ahead of Jay-Z in their famous battle. Nas isn't at the lyrical peak that he was at on It Was Written. But as far as really trying to make a statement through an album, Hip Hop Is Dead is Nas' best attempt yet.

Regardless of what the unfortunately-edited title track (I guess "wreck the DJ" is a little more PC than "murder the DJ") may say, the album conveys the idea that hip hop isn't really dead as a whole, but some of it's component parts are facing more damage than repair. Nas questions the lack of unity and increasing sense of hatred between rappers on "Carry On Tradition". Meanwhile, "Where Are They Now" sheds light on the ignorance of the past largely held by today's culture, as he name-drops numerous artists who have seemingly been long-forgotten and cast under the shadows of history -- if none of these names spark up nostalgia (Ill Al Skratch did it for me, personally), then you might want to question the worth of your existence. On tracks like "Not Going Back" f/ Kelis, the buttery "Hold Down The Block", and "Can't Forget About You" f/ Chrisette Michelle (a well-done sampling of Nat King Cole's "Unforgettable"), Nas walks many thin lines that most rappers stumble over -- leaving his past behind him yet also not forgetting where he came from, and analyzing his successes without coming off as braggadocios and alienating his audience.

What makes Hip Hop Is Dead that much more impressive, however, is what can typically ruin a potentially-great hip hop album -- its guest appearances. Nas appears to have found the balance between making a song that features another MC his own, yet also allowing the guest to reach their own creative peak as well. Each example is stellar -- the laid back vibes of "Play On Playa" f/ Snoop Dogg, the pulsating Dr. Dre-produced "Hustlers" f/ The Game (easily Dre's best beat in an otherwise-quiet year for the Good Doctor), the harmonious "Still Dreaming" f/ Kanye West, and finally, the much-talked-about "Black Republican" f/ Jay-Z, which lives up to any expectation one may have placed on their long-awaited collaboration.

Since I was recently reminded that I know (possibly too) much about rap and basketball, I'll combine the two to sum everything up: Nas is hip hop's Kobe Bryant. Undeniable natural talent (often hated on as a result of it), cocky when necessary, willing to play his role for the team to do well, yet also knowing full well that sometimes he's got to put the team on his back. Hip Hop Is Dead is Nas' fadeaway jumper, down by a point, with the 4th quarter buzzer sounding.

Swish.

Ah, fuck it. Here's a list as well.

10. Brotha Lynch Hung & MC Eiht - The New Season
9. T.I. - King
8. Murs - Murray's Revenge
7. Busta Rhymes - The Big Bang
6. Mr. Lif - Mo' Mega
5. J. Dilla - Donuts & The Shining (dude died a year ago tomorrow, I'll allow him to get two albums in one spot)
4. The Game - Doctor's Advocate
3. Ghostface - Fishscale
2. Lupe Fiasco - Food & Liquor
1. Nas - Hip Hop Is Dead

2006: Year In Downloading -- Part 5

2007-02-03T09:59:00.000-08:00

You know, I've done a good amount of shit-talking with regards to actual hip hop music thus far, but with hip hop artists having so expanded themselves to the business side of things as well, it's only fair to save some shit-talk for that area too. Call me a hater if you want, but I find it securing to know that people with so much money can do so many things worth criticizing. And really, who has more money, or is doing more things, than Jay-Z?

Not to knock the importance of selling Budweiser, NBA Basketball or Cherry Coke (and I wouldn't mind knocking Beyonce, personally), but Jay's status as President and CEO of Def Jam Records is certainly most relevant to the discussion at hand. Though the label remains somewhat lop-sided, the second full year of his tenure there has produced improvement. He did what many years ago would've been deemed impossible by signing former rival Nas, and did what surprised no one at all by coming out of his retirement. He invested in the dominant Southern scene and came out with Young Jeezy and Rick Ross, who may be identical in many ways, but are most importantly identical in the sense that both have seen success. Mix that with platinum-selling Nike-spokesrapper Juelz Santana, and of course Kanye West (who didn't put out an album last year but stayed relevant by throwing tantrums whenever in front of a camera), and you could say that Jay is coaching a pretty strong "starting five" of sorts.

However, as usual, it's the people on the bench who are causing the stir. LL Cool J, upset with sucking and in need of a scapegoat, took a shot at Jay for not knowing how to promote anything other than himself -- maybe true, but I can't blame Jay for not knowing how to promote shitty music. Joe Budden has been without a new album for over 3 years now, Redman for over 5 years, and Jay's leftovers from his split with Damon Dash are either waiting in the shadows (Freeway, Peedi Crakk) or have already proven their worth to be very little (Memphis Bleek, Young Gunz). Considering how often the blame-game gets played in these situations, we may never know whether it's Jay or the artists themselves who are more responsible for these hold-ups, but consider this -- for the following four albums Def Jam released this year from the following three well-respected artists/groups, only TWO music videos were made. Total.

One of those videos was awarded to Ghostface's single "Back Like That" off of the superb Fishscale, which I enjoyed immensely earlier in the year, and still do. However, trying to sell a Ghostface album beyond his fanbase of Wu-Tang aficionados remains a difficult task. So, clearly the way to get past that is to... release another album in the same year?!? Well, not making the same mistake Nas made in '99, the late-year release More Fish plays like a companion piece rather than a entirely-new album, as can be noted in it's more-than-fitting title (as well as it's inclusion of a "Back Like That" remix). It plays more like a mixtape to (once again) showcase Ghostface's crew, the Theodore Unit, except with better production (Hi-Tek, Madlib, MF Doom) and more solo Ghostface songs, among them the laid-back "Outta Town Shit" and the intense track "Alex", on which Ghost continues to make everyone wonder how he comes up with his ideas, spitting a story about someone stealing the original script to Ray(?!?). While Ghost may continue to boggle minds, and while More Fish may be nothing but more leftovers, I doubt that anyone can truly be mad at the two-albums-a-year rate that Ghostface is starting to maintain.

Being the Wu-Tang fan that I am, the mere fact that Method Man's 4:21... The Day After was a step up from '04's critically-acclaimed beverage coaster/weed plate/frisbee Tical 0: The Prequel is enough to earn it praise from me. Even though simply getting better production would have made it an improvement over his last album, Meth sounds like he really put pressure on himself to make the album he's capable of making, and hadn't made for over 10 years (and with the little promotion it's received, one has to wonder if anyone else put pressure on him). With a familiar supporting cast of producers, Meth is back to his old self on tracks like "Somebody Done Fucked Up" (produced by Havoc), "Problem" (Erick Sermon) and weed anthem "4:20" (RZA, who contributes 4 much-needed beats in total). The most pleasant surprise is a collaboration with a since-deceased, clean-sounding Ol' Dirty on the simplistically-titled "Dirty Mef". It's very strange to know that last year, the best Wu-Tang albums were released by Def Jam, considering that the two legendary hip hop entities had never really crossed paths before (the only other Wu release worth mentioning is Masta Killa's sophomore release Made In Brooklyn, but only because it featured all remaining Clan members, and not because it was any good).

The second video I referred to earlier belongs to The Roots, for their Def Jam debut Game Theory, although I can honestly say I've never seen it on TV and I'm not entirely sure which song(s) it was for (though I too must admit that I don't watch TV as much as I used to). It seems as if every release by The Roots since '99's highly-touted Things Fall Apart has been equally praised as a crowning achievement and panned as a disappointment. Critiques of Game Theory have shown how little things have changed, as the album has received ratings of "5" from two prominent hip-hop online magazines in HipHopSite.com (whose scale is out of 5, making it a "classic") and Spine Magazine (whose scale is out of 10, making it terrible). I can't say I agree with either of these opinions, because even though the "live band" feel proves a bit formulaic at times (i.e. "Baby", which sounds a lot like Phrenology's "The Seed"), the formula is still able to create some fresh music. I will say that it is their best work since Things Fall Apart, and definitely their hardest-hitting. The re-addition of previously-ousted rapper Malik B. to the group's line-up adds energy and takes some pressure off of lead MC Black Thought to carry the weight of the album lyrically, as shown on album highlights "Here I Come" and "In The Music". The album hits a stagnant point towards the end due to some overly-mellow songs with poorly-sung hooks (which sound out of place with the album's overwhelmingly darker tone), but ends strongly with "Can't Stop This", a J-Dilla produced track (jacked from Dilla's superb instrumental album Donuts) which serves as the first recorded dedication to the late producer's memory.

It almost seems like the most backing Jay gave another rapper's album this year was someone who's not even on Def Jam -- that would be Atlantic recording artist Lupe Fiasco and his debut, Food & Liquor. I short-sightedly criticized Lupe around the time Kanye West dropped Late Registration (see #6), considering his rather-unimpressive debut verse on that album -- at that time, I had no idea that he had such a great album in him. Combining Kanye's penchant for unique subject matter with Jay-Z's style and flare (and looking like the love child, no homo, of Pharrell and MC Serch), Lupe shows an impressive array of songmaking talents, from storytelling (the Kanye-produced "Cool" and the incredible single-parent anthem "He Say She Say") to extended metaphors ("The Instrumental" and "Kick, Push", the latter of which isn't necessarily just about skateboarding) to historical perspective ("American Terrorist" and "Hurt Me Soul"). The varying song topics that make up Food & Liquor present Lupe as a unique talent with a bright future, assuming that poor record sales (surprise, surpise) don't hamper his status. Suprisingly, the Neptunes-produced "I Got'cha" serves as the album's only real weak offering, where Lupe embraces his different-from-all-those-other-rappers persona to the fullest extent, even though every other song on the album makes that same statement without throwing it in your face.

[Part 6 coming soon... and rest assured, it'll be the last part, too]

You can represent Gary Day, but you can't stop his party

2007-01-30T19:03:00.000-08:00

So, one of the attorneys I work for got a voicemail today from a musician -- or at least, from a guy who is trying to be a musician -- named Gary Day (not to be confused with thee Gary Day, who was a bassist for Morrissey, and who I had no idea even existed until I looked up his name). Mr. Day is seeking representation for what he very confidently, as seen in his website, believes is his budding music career.

This brought to my mind a potential conflict of interest in the lawyering profession, specifically in the field of entertainment -- would someone choose to legally represent an artist (in this case, a musician) even if they didn't like the artist's work themselves? I posed this question to my boss, but before he could respond, he allowed a snippet of Mr. Day's potentially earth-shattering music -- a song titled "You Can't Stop My Party" -- to blare from his speakers. I immediately knew the answer to my query before he had to respond.

No. No way. And especially not Gary Day.

On the "Info" section of Mr. Day's site, he quotes himself saying that he has "these songs inside of me", and that he needs "to get them out". Hmmm... sounds a lot like a bowel movement to me. I feel bad knocking another man's work, especially when I myself have accomplished so little, but seriously -- if you want to hear what is possibly the worst singing in history, listen to "You Can't Stop My Party". And if you would like to see the equivalent of his music in picture form, head over to the "Look" page, and witness Mr. Day in all his greatness -- the sideburns, the crocodile-skin shirt, the Jesus piece entangled in his chest hair, and most importantly, the camping tarp that serves as the background to his performance photos.

Come to think of it, this dude looks kind of familiar... Gary Day, GET OUT OF MY HEAD!

2006: Year In Downloading -- Part 4

2007-01-26T16:26:00.000-08:00

It's difficult to get all that excited about a West Coast revival (of sorts) when every year it seems like someone else is talking about bringing the West Coast "back". So, to avoid any further confusion, let's just clarify that the West Coast is in fact "back"... from having already been back before. What 2006 had to offer, though, was a bit more enticing, as "gangsta rap", that which we all grew up on and subsequently hid from our parents, seemed to be bouncing back with some hunger. A few familiar faces popped up out of L.A. this year to drop some records that took them back to their roots, either because they had previously experimented with new styles, or because they had nothing else to bank on.

Snoop Dogg's Tha Blue Carpet Treatment falls in line with most of Snoop's previous albums in that it's a bit of a mixed bag, but the high points are undoubtedly higher (pun intended) than expected. You'll see all the usual suspects of a Snoop Dogg album -- the weed song ("Get A Light" f/ Damian Marley), the Nate-Dogg-hook song ("Crazy"), the posse cut ("Candy" f/ E-40, MC Eiht, Goldie Loc, Daz & Kurupt) -- but each one sounds more inspired and motivated than on past releases. In fact, "Think About It" is the closest Snoop has sounded to Snoop Doggy Dogg (remember him?) in a long, long time. The album is a good mix of old and new Snoop, as it features tracks with the man that brought him into hip hop, Dr. Dre (the best of which is their twist on the "ode to hip hop" song, "Imagine", which features a verse from Dre and hook by D'Angelo), as well as with the people he'd made his most recent money with, the Neptunes (whose offerings of "Vato" f/ B-Real and "10 Lil' Crips" are infinitely-many-times more hard-hitting than the bubble-gum shit that was R&G). As usually is the case, though, Snoop still doesn't know when to quit, and at 21 tracks long, the album loses interest with tracks like "Beat Up On Your Pads" (it's admirable that Snoop's into the whole youth football thing, but this one should've been saved for the sidelines) and "Psst!" f/ Jamie Foxx (who is great at imitating Ray Charles, and awful at imitating Prince, Bilal, or whoever he thinks he is on this song). Nonetheless, on Tha Blue Carpet Treatment, the effort is there and is much appreciated, as Snoop is no longer rushing out his albums like he did while on No Limit Records.

Continuing in the return to his roots, Snoop helped reunite Daz and Kurupt, better known as the Dogg Pound, for their first major release in over a decade, Cali Iz Active. The duo became bitter rivals after Kurupt jumped back into Suge Knight's arms back in '02 in an attempt to lead Death Row Records back to prominence (... yeah, that went well), but under the guidance of Snoop, who probably just simply reminded them both how little they've accomplished in each of their solo careers (with the exception of Kurupt's classic Tha Streetz Iz A Mutha, which did feature Daz on at least half of the album), they appear to have put their differences aside. And it's a good thing, too, because the chemistry is still there, be it on songs like the title track f/ Snoop Dogg and "It's All Hood", which capture more of the vintage Dogg Pound sound, or "Kush'n N' Push'n" and "Sittin' On 23z", which are fr-fr-fresh for '06. If the subject matter, or lack thereof, gets to be too much, then this album probably wasn't meant for you anyways. The only real downside to it is the number of out-of-place guest appearances -- no disrespect to Puff Daddy (who actually doesn't ruin "It's Craccin' All Night"), David Banner (who I actually don't mind as a rapper), Paul Wall (who I could really do without), or Jazze Pha (on second thought, a lot of disrespect to him), but how "active" does Cali appear when it's campaigning to other areas for guest spots on a Dogg Pound reunion album, which should be enough to sell itself?

Much like his debut album, being able to enjoy The Game's follow-up, the Doctor's Advocate, is an up-hill battle which most fans should be able to overcome eventually. On '05's The Documentary, it was the constant name-dropping of fellow artists (specifically 50 Cent and Dr. Dre) that made it difficult to fully embrace Game as the West's next big thing. This time around, it's the state of confusion created by Game's rampant inconsistencies with exactly where he stands -- is it "still Aftermath, and ain't nothin' after that", or is it "the Aftermath chain is gone"? If he's "got no beef with 50", why does he "wanna call 50 and let him know what's on his mind"? Listening to the album, it seems as if half of it was recorded while Game still thought he was an Aftermath artist and Dre's associate, and half after he was let go. Fortunately, once that's out of the way, the album is full of quality material -- he dismisses former friends on "One Night", pays homage to those lost on "Ol' English", and shows a sincerity most rappers would probably be ashamed to admit on the title track and the superb closer "Why You Hate The Game" f/ Nas. And, of course, the album is overflowing with West Coast flavor, highlights being "Da Shit", "Compton" (featuring production from an underrated-when-not-overexposed will.i.am from the Black Eyed Peas), and "California Vacation" f/ Snoop Dogg & Xzibit. Continuing to never hold any part of himself back, the Game comes off as a lot of things on Doctor's Advocate -- flamboyant, full of himself, emotional, confused -- but never anything less than genuine.

Not to be outdone, the B(/Y)ay Area made a big splash, with E-40 and Too Short each getting their greatest national exposure within the past 10 years, and with both now double-digit-albums deep into their respective catalogs, it was just in time. Not that 40 Water shows any signs of slowing down, though -- My Ghetto Report Card is some of his best work ever, and definitely his most well-produced album. Short Dog, on the other hand, seems to have phoned in the effort on Blow The Whistle. Not to take any credit away from the man, as 16 albums is certainly a milestone (although he arguably hadn't had a hit single since album number 10), and even the most stuck-up, feminist, "who you callin' a bitch?" hip hop fans have a place in their heart for the one and only Todd Shaw. But missing from Blow The Whistle is the meaningful, social commentary that Short sprinkled on past classics like "The Ghetto" and "I Want To Be Free". In it's place instead? More Jazze Pha than the average person deserves to stomach. I really don't understand what's so appealing about this dude -- his beats suck, his singing is worse than his beats, and he introduces every track he's on with the same, tired "Ladies and gentlemen..." schtick (as if that's necessary when you're halfway through the album). Hopefully, Short can make some bank on the group he discovered recently, The Pack, who won't have to worry about making music people would actually enjoy as long as they name-drop brand names. Another NorCal vet, Brotha Lynch Hung, avoided the popular "hyphy" sound in favor of collaborating with Compton legend MC Eiht for The New Season, which is appealing in the same vein as Sean Price's album from last year (see #4) -- not groundbreaking in any sense, but consistently solid, and no songs worth skipping.

The rebirth of a vintage gangsta rap sound in West Coast hip hop really couldn't have come at a better time, as groups whose reputations were to stray from this sound struggled to find success in '06. I tried to be somewhat kind to Dilated Peoples' 20/20 earlier in the year, but looking back now, very little of it is worth remembering. Meanwhile, Jurassic 5, who downsized to an "official" quintet (they previously had six members -- four MCs and two DJs -- but stuck with the numerically-misleading name after a flier typo) for Feedback, were sorely missing the presence of former producer Cut Chemist, who apparently took everything that made the group interesting with him when he bounced. There's a reason the "old school" is called the "old school" -- not only because of it's elder status, but also because after a while, well... it gets old. Pretty much every song on Feedback sounds like a Jurassic 5 song I'd heard at least five times before, which is only forgivable for "In The House", a song that appeared on the soundtrack for NBA Live '06, the last good NBA video game. How many songs can a group make about how cool/dope/stupid fresh that particular song is? The answer: a mediocre album's worth.

[Part 5 coming soon... and yes, I too am getting kind of tired of this]

2006: Year In Downloading -- Part 3

2007-01-22T12:09:00.000-08:00

Think 50 Cent regrets kicking Game out of G-Unit? If you were to ask his ego, it'd probably say "no"; if you were to ask his business savvy, it'd probably say "no comment" and tell you to refer to his ego. The West Coast MC who refused to be enemies with people simply because 50 wanted him to showed no signs of a sophomore slump, releasing a quality album (more on that next time) without help from his former friend (50) and his "I-thought-you-were-my"-friend (Dr. Dre). Meanwhile, '06 wasn't quite as kind to 50 and his Unit (no homo) -- only two albums released from the camp, and I'll start by telling you which ones they weren't.

Olivia, G-Unit's female rapper/songstress/Amil, was blessed with a radio-ready single with a guest verse from 50, yet her album never came out, and while I'm not a "bettin' man" (my last trip to Vegas proved that), I'm confident that it never will come out. M.O.P., who signed around the same time Mobb Deep did, have yet to put anything out, other than an independent album and a guest spot on AZ's '06 release, The Format, which I haven't listened to but if it's anything like any of AZ's past albums, it's likely good for a few quality tracks (and for the record, this is the same AZ who 50 said put out "bullshit joints" not too long ago); clearly, 50's plan to try to market two of the ugliest dudes in hip hop to the masses is to wait as long as possible and hope they start to look less frightening. Up-and-comers Spider Loc and Young Hot Rod are likely being kept waiting in the wings until after 50's next album (due later this year) gets the G-Unit name popping again, while Tony Yayo, whose lacklaster debut Thoughts Of A Predicate Felon was what pretty much started this slump, will likely be relegated back to "hypeman" status soon enough, if not already.

On recent 106 & Park and Howard Stern appearances, when asked what the hardest thing was about running your own record label, 50 said something along the lines of "not knowing when to stop putting money into promoting an album that the public doesn't want to buy anyways". Somewhere off camera, Lloyd Banks and Mobb Deep embraced in a group hug, crying on each other's shoulders, convincing each other that they tried their bests. For Havoc and Prodigy, such was not the case, though -- Blood Money was as lazy an album as I've ever heard. For Banks, though, Rotten Apple was a bit more inspired, but poorly-produced (Exhibit A being "Iceman") and not topical at all (it comes off more like a mixtape, in fact). I'll admit that it shows Banks as being an improved rapper, as songs like the opening title track f/ 50 Cent and Prodigy, "You Know The Deal" and "Make A Move" have him less dependent on throwing witty punchlines in every lyric to get his point across. Unfortunately, his "point", if you can even call it that, rarely strays from him trying to prove that he's rich, iced out, fucks a lot of models, and so on and so forth. Here's another lesson I'm sure 50 learned from running a record label -- you can put bullshit in a CD case and sell a few copies in the first week, but eventually, word is going to spread about the smell.

Poor record sales not only plagued 50's G-Unit Records, but pretty much all of the releases under Dr. Dre's Aftermath umbrella. Busta Rhymes' The Big Bang wasn't all that bad in my opinion (then again, what do I really know), but even with about four music videos and Dre's name all over the place, it failed to catch much of a buzz. I'd say that in this case, Busta's marketing machine was in overload and worked against him, and showed the rest of the hip hop world some promotional techniques not to follow -- i.e. wearing T-shirts with your album's name printed all over it whenever you make an appearance (wish I had a picture, it's pretty embarrassing) and the way-too-long remix featuring more names than can actually fit on the TV screen.

Then there was the only prominent album release from Eminem's Shady Records, also under Aftermath -- Obie Trice's second album, conveniently titled Second Round's On Me. Lyrically, Obie has improved leaps and bounds over the MC he was on his '03 debut Cheers, which was a stellar debut in its own right. He's a lot more versatile this time around, surprisingly rhyming in double-time on several tracks. Where this album lacks is in the production department -- no Dre or Timbaland, but a LOT of Eminem beats (eight of the 17 total songs), none of them very impressive. Obie as a rapper and Em as a producer turn out to be a lop-sided tag team -- at times both hold their own (like on "Violent" and "There They Go" f/ Big Herc & Eminem), but most of the time Obie is forced to carry the weight ("Lay Down", "Ballad Of Obie Trice"), and sometimes that weight proves to be overwhelming ("Everywhere I Go", which can't even be saved by a 50 Cent chorus, and "Jamaican Girl"). When the production is on point, though, the results save the album from mediocrity, on stand-outs like "Out Of State", "Cry Now", and the as-heard-on-Entourage track "Wanna Know". Once Obie is able to combine the best qualities of his two releases, he'll hopefully release the classic album that he's capable of making. Whether more people will notice, though, is hard to tell.

So, is there a way to not sell that many records and still not feel disappointed in yourself? Yes -- the answer is to go the independent label route, and '06's best example of succeeding in this department would belong to Ice Cube (who's Laugh Now, Cry Later went gold mainly off of word-of-mouth and the fact that he was once great) and the almighty Dip Set (Dip Set! Dip Set! WHAT!). Being on a label like Koch Records, a rapper like Jim Jones makes something like $8 for each unit sold (much more than any major label), so a 100,000-records-sold opening week for his '06 release Hustler's P.O.M.E. (Product Of My Environment) banked him close to a cool million. A few more weeks on the charts, and what you have there is, in fact, BALLIIIIN' in every definition of the word. The Dips are probably so rich from pimping out record companies that they could give less than a fuck about what you think about the quality of their music, so I won't even take the time to critique Jones' album (other than that "Reppin' Time" is a swell "Hustlin'" rip-off, and the intro might be the best track on the entire album), Cam'ron's Killa Season (other than what I said here, and that "I.B.S." is actually quite ill, in more ways than one), and JR Writer's History In The Making (other than that at 20 songs deep, it was about 15 too long).

Then, of course, there's the underground rap scene, which has lost much of the attention that I used to pay to it. Part of it is due to the fact that a lot of the groups whose cult-like followings I found myself a part of either don't make much music anymore (Living Legends), no longer are together (Non Phixion), or seemingly fell off the fucking face of the earth (High & Mighty). A couple noteworthy releases worth noting (hooray for redundancy!) are Murs' Murray's Revenge, his 2nd collaborative effort with Little Brother member/producer 9th Wonder, Mr. Lif's Mo Mega, produced almost entirely by hero-to-independent-music El-P, and the Juggaknots' Use Your Confusion, which stars Breeze Brewin, one of the most uniquely-talented MCs of recent memory (and unfortunately, his two lesser-talented crew members). And kudos to Murs specifically, who will be looking to lose the labels of "overlooked" and "underrated" with his recent signing to Warner Music Group, the label which played some role in E-40 getting some long-awaited attention this past year (more on that next time, too... damn, these transitions are solid).

[Part 4 coming soon]

Vilen and I discuss the latest in the world of sports...

2007-01-11T12:41:00.000-08:00

x VILEN x: http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2007/soccer/01/11/beckham.mls/ index.html?cnn=yes
Aristacrat: has major league soccer even grossed $250 million since its inception?
x VILEN x: we have a soccer league?
x VILEN x: if this is true though, this is gonna be huge for them
x VILEN x: its the only name in soccer i know
Aristacrat: no we don't, beckham got $250 million to play soccer with some rich dude's kids in a backyard
x VILEN x: and of course half of team brazil
Aristacrat: remember kobe jones?

x VILEN x: oh yea
Aristacrat: tab ramos, he did some snickers commercials
x VILEN x: does he still play
Aristacrat: tony meola had a video game for super nintendo

x VILEN x: never heard of tab, unless ur talkin about that delicious drink
Aristacrat: none of these guys play anymore though, so i guess its kind of a moot point
x VILEN x: moooooooot
Aristacrat: and yes, tab is delicious
Aristacrat: i guess that's the only conclusion we can come to in a discussion of soccer -- that Tab is delicious
x VILEN x: bingo

2006: Year In Downloading -- Part 2

2007-01-10T16:25:00.000-08:00

One of the overarching themes in hip hop music this past year was a seemingly-never-ending (Is it over yet? Please?) feud between New York and the South over who's really runnin' shit. The South has felt overdue for respect for a while regarding their relevance to hip hop, and now feel as if it's their time since they produce more platinum artists nowadays. As a result, New York rappers feel compelled to reference their city as much as possible in their music. While the South is rightfully getting more recognition now, they can never be the representation of what hip hop is, was, or ever will be, mainly because... well, the fact of the matter is, the South makes hip hop look bad way too often.

Mike Jones made a career out of repeating himself -- he's like a rapping HeadOn commercial -- before he found out how long 15 minutes really lasts; he was supposed to have an album out this year, but fortunately, there is a God. The Ying Yang Twins are like a less-talented 2 Live Crew, which probably qualifies them as being mentally retarded; working with someone like Wyclef Jean, who is actually somewhat talented, on their new album won't hide the fact that their "music" rarely strays away from talking about the parts of the female body that protrude and/or allow entry (kudos to Dave Chappelle for airing them out on one of the few funny moments of The Lost Episodes). D4L felt the need to create dance moves that even white people could do; either they're mocking me, or they really don't have any rhythm. Newcomer Jibbs made a song about expensive jewelry to the tune of a kids song, even having children sing the chorus; children are the future, Jibbs! Is this the message we want to send to our future? And while on the topic of taking advantage of children (no pedo), let's all pray that this doesn't catch on nationally -- I think even Michael Richards would see that and say, "Damn, that's some fucked up shit."

This isn't to say that the East coast doesn't have their own reasons to be ashamed, but just not as many as the South. Beyond the bullshit, however, there is some good music made by respectable artists coming out of the South.

Ludacris' 5th album, Release Therapy, finds him angrier than usual -- perhaps the cornrows were ripped out in a fit of rage? Clearly, he putting in work to lose the "funny song making rapper" label (dressing up like Austin Powers characters will do that for you) with tracks like "Grew Up A Screw Up" f/ Young Jeezy and "War With God", two of his hardest songs to date. He also shows some newfound range by showing off his storytelling abilities on "Runaway Love" f/ Mary J Blige (A depressing Ludacris song? What gives?!?), and getting deep on the nation's fucked up justice system on "Do Your Time" f/ Beanie Sigel, Pimp C and C-Murder, all three of whom recently served bids. While this newer side of Luda is certainly refreshing, it comes at somewhat of a cost -- the fun songs, while not bad, just aren't as fun as usual (I think most would agree that "Money Maker" was particularly ehhh), and for some reason the "R&B chorus" song quotient is up to 2 ("End Of The Night" f/ Bobby Valentino and "Woozy" f/ R Kelly, which fortunately are back-to-back so you can just hold down the SKIP button). And maybe I'm just being picky here, but the chorus structure of "Tell It Like It Is" and "Mouths To Feed" (i.e. saying the song title in every other line, see for yourself) makes the songs grow boring pretty quickly. While Release Therapy isn't the classic that Luda is capable of, it shows a versatility that has been otherwise absent throughout his career -- and hopefully it won't act to limit his talents on the next go-round.

T.I. took the "Jay-Z-best-rapper-alive" approach to being the so-called "King of the South" -- he put it on record first, then went out to prove it. Titling his 4th album King (and including Southern other heavyweights like Young Buck, UGK and Young Jeezy on it to co-sign), T.I. effectively takes another cue from Jay, making records catchy enough to pick up TV and radio airplay while also being likeable and smooth enough to not get tired quickly -- "What You Know" might be the biggest single of the year, "Front Back" serves as a fitting tribute/update to UGK's classic, and "Why You Wanna" was a nice head-nod to A Tribe Called Quest. Although the Southern drawl can a bit overwhelming at times ("Told You So" is particularly mush-mouthed), T.I. presents himself as a superior lyricist with an arsenal of flows, best evidenced when he turns up the intensity a bit on "You Know Who" and the Just Blaze-produced "I'm Talkin' To You", a subliminal diss likely aimed at rival/chump Lil' Flip.

Trivia time: name a physically-large-in-stature rapper from the South, with an instantly-recognizeable style, simplistic yet subtly-clever lyrics, a Def Jam record deal, and the ability to make a 19-track album in which every song is in some way, shape, or form about cocaine, crack, or something in between. If you said either Rick Ross (who put out his debut Port Of Miami this year) or Young Jeezy (who put out his sophomore effort The Inspiration), pat yourself on the head. It's not tough to see how Jay's newest artist signing (Ross) is quite similar to his last one (Jeezy), but considering that Jeezy's Let's Get It: Thug Motivation 101 sold close to 1.5 million copies, and Ross' "Hustlin'" is the 1st platinum-selling ringtone (you must have heard it somewhere, I know I have), it ain't broke yet, so no need to fix it -- nor to break it, for that matter. Port Of Miami is a summertime-friendly album, with production that is much less dark than either of Jeezy's releases, which is not surprising knowing that the backdrop to Ross' drug tales are Miami's warm weather and view of the Atlantic (which he's got them muthafuckas flyin' over, rest assured). He's clearly trying to have some fun with it, rocking over cheesy '80's samples for "I'm Bad" (which is what I want to have playing if I'm ever in a high speed chase) and "Boss", and being the 1st rapper to have Scarface samples on TWO different songs ("Push It" and "Street Life" f/ Lloyd, the latter likely being the 1st time a Scarface sample has been made into a club song). Unlike Jeezy, Ross actually isn't terrible as an MC, able to put together some clever rhymes though also liable to rhyme the same words together every now and again. However, also unlike Jeezy, the somewhat-inspirational "rags to riches" story of Jeezy's work is not found here, as Ross prefers to speak mainly on the "riches" part, with a few exceptions like the finale "Prayer" (hmmm, a "prayer" on a rap album, where have I seen that before?). Furthermore, a 19-track album for someone with such limited subject matter will get a little monotonous, but never more so than when the R&B hooks come in -- "Pots & Pans" is downright lame, and "Cross That Line" f/ Akon might have been more likeable if Akon didn't sing the chorus to the exact same melody as his song with Obie Trice (hope he got a discount for that).

As for Jeezy's album, he's clearly heard all the criticism of his lyrical ability (or lack thereof), so he's tries a new approach here and there on The Inspiration -- not trying to rhyme. Oddly enough, it works to a degree, as Jeezy has more to say when he's not limiting himself by trying to find words to rhyme. And with the relatively low-tempo of most of the album's tracks, it seems like he's almost bragging about his ability to catapult himself to the top of rap music by hardly "rapping" at all (he's also clearly not ashamed to show that he can't pronounce "Hypnotize" on the opening track of the same name). Still though, there's no denying the power of some of his songs -- "Bury Me A 'G'" in all of it's 2Pac-ness, the raw emotion of "Dreamin'" f/ Keyshia Cole -- and The Inspiration's uniquely-consistent production seems to borrowly equally from the popular "crunk" sound of Southern rap as well as the soundtrack to Bladerunner; even the club-favored tracks "Go Getta" f/ R Kelly and "3 A.M." f/ Timbaland don't stray for the overall sound of the album. I like to think of myself as someone who can explain most things, but I'm kind of at a loss as to why everyone (myself included) is so crazy about Young Jeezy -- perhaps in this day in age where rappers are judged as much on how real they are versus how talented they are, Jeezy is just too real to focus on writing good rhymes.

Elsewhere in the South, Lil' Wayne and Birdman put out an album together, Like Father Like Son, which I can't say that I've listened to -- not because I'm not a big enough fan of Wayne as an MC (I am, actually), but because I'm not at all a fan of Birdman as one. I'll just echo the sentiments of everyone else and say that half of a Lil' Wayne album is better than none (and speaking of "better halves"... kinda homo). Young Dro, one of T.I.'s artists, got a strong buzz off of "Shoulder Lean" for his debut, Best Thang Smokin', which showcases Dro as a surprisingly nice lyricist. He has potential and hopefully will take advantage of it once he learns how to make songs that don't all sound the same (as a result, not too many really stand out), and when he stops name-dropping food products to describe his cars ("watermelon Nova", "Cutlass look like carrot juice", "brown Rover look like pork and beans"... the album starts to sound like an episode of Supermarket Sweep after a while). Unfortunately, Southern mainstays Young Buck, 8Ball & MJG, and UGK were all supposed to put out albums this year but had them pushed back for various reasons -- respectively, because G-Unit keeps taking losses (more on that next time), because Puff Daddy would rather promote himself than anyone else on Bad Boy, and because Jive Records sucks at promoting hip hop music.

Finally, speaking of Jive, they decided to do something productive and release The Clipse's sophomore effort Hell Hath No Fury, which had been discussed, promoted, and pushed back for about two years. It's difficult for anyone to root against the Virginia-born brothers (and I say "brothers" because they're actually brothers, not because they're black, silly) after they've unfairly been put through record label politics bullshit for so long, as noted by the great reviews their new album has been receiving. But, personally, I just can't bring myself to like it as much as everyone else, and it's not really the Clipse's fault -- the album's production, done entirely by the Neptunes, is pretty bland. Most of the Neptunes' beats can be placed into one of two categories: minimalistic, experimental, and undoubtedly rugged OR overly poppy shit that the masses will eat up. On Hell Hath, though a few of the beats favor the first category (like "Wamp Wamp" f/ Slim Thug and "Ride Around Shining" f/ Ab-Liva), the majority are failed attempts to reach the second category (like "Dirty Money", "Ain't Cha" and "Trill"). This could be due to the absence of Chad Hugo, the often-unseen Asian dude who makes up the "other half" of the Neptunes (notice where he's standing here -- interesting), from the album's production. Not to create rumors here, but, for the sake of argument, let's assume that Pharrell kicked Chad out of the group because he wasn't cool enough -- that, coupled with Pharrell's newfound desire to rap (I happily admit to having never listened to this album) and to market ugly ass shoes that no one except him or the people he pays would wear, could mean that we are dealing with someone here who is hellbent on world domination... or, at least, on being the most egomaniacal of the young, rich, male musicians of our time.

If this is the case, be warned, Pharrell: the competition is fierce.

[Part 3 coming soon]

2006: Year In Downloading -- Part 1

2007-01-02T18:19:00.000-08:00

Hello! Hello! Hello!

Is anybody out there! out there! out there!

As you can probably tell, I haven't put much effort into maintaining this fine piece of internet real estate -- shit, you'd have to be retarded to have not noticed, although knowing the people who are likely reading this, I wouldn't put that past y'all. (JOKES!) Anyways, having a 5-day-a-week job, getting my law school applications ready, and trying to have some sort of life outside of all that (emphasis on "trying") has forced me to eliminate either the time I'd previously alloted to updating this blog or the time I'd previously alloted to playing the latest version of Madden. And for the record, my franchise in Madden NFL '07 is on the verge of defending its back-to-back Super Bowls behind the strength of recent USC legends Matt Leinart, Reggie Bush and LenDale White -- it's a face-spittin' good time!

However, in an attempt to maintain some sort of tradition, I'll be doing an end-of-the-year recap of what 2006 has offered as far as hip hop albums to purcha, er, downlo... let's just say "obtain". I had actually started putting a list together a few months ago, but then I realized that most of the albums I was really looking forward to (Jay, Nas, Snoop, Game, among a few others) hadn't even come out yet. Thus, instead of trying to put everything in a list of best to worst, I'll just throw my thoughts out there in some type of order, in as many posts as it takes me to cover everything that deserves being mentioned. To start things off, two artists (actually three, one solo and one duo) who had taken a few years off a piece before returning to record store shelves in '06, and something I like to call the "Taco Bell Theory". [Does linking to a company's website protect from copyright laws? Fuck it, let's hope so!]

Taking a three-year hiatus since the eclectically-likable Speakerboxxx/The Love Below, Outkast released Idlewild, which doubled as the soundtrack to their feature film of the same name (a movie which I didn't see in part because no one I knew was as interested in seeing it as I was, and also because I wasn't even that interested in seeing it in the first place). Maybe seeing the movie would've helped me like this album more, as it isn't "bad", but is Outkast's worst album yet -- but, trust me, those statements mean two very different things.

For starters, calling an Outkast album "bad" would officially revoke my "Caucasian hip-hop fan" card, which I don't want to do. And furthermore, with the high quality of Outkast's entire catalogue, their worst album could more reasonably be considered their "6th best". Considering the relevance of the film (set in the 1930s) to the album, the sound of Idlewild is seeped in a combination of jazz and swing, blues and church choirs, Vaudeville and lounge acts, all of which ultimately limits the production, causing some tracks to sound fairly interchangeable. To Outkast's credit, they're still willing to try new things, as Big Boi's still making rap records differently from any other rappers out there today (most of which is heavy on Sleepy Brown's crooning, like "The Train" and the still-catchy-to-this-day "Morris Brown"), and Andre's still making whatever-you-wanna-call-it music differently from anyone anywhere (like "Life Is Like A Musical" and the twangy "Idlewild Blue"). But that ultimately leads to another issue -- too many solo tracks (think Speakerboxx/The Love Below made into a single CD) when their chemistry is still as good as it's ever been. "PJ & Rooster" nicely blends Dre's singing with Big's rapping, but when both are rapping, on "Mighty O" and "Hollywood Divorce" f/ Lil' Wayne & Snoop Dogg, the album is at it's best. Unfortunately, moments like these are sparse amongst a fair amount of solo tracks that find both Dre and Big running out of ideas ("Makes No Sense At All" couldn't have a more fitting title) and skit after skit after skit which I can only presume was actual movie dialogue (which I doubt convinced anyone who hadn't seen the movie to actually see the movie).

Fortunately for Outkast, though, they were wise enough to not stage a retirement during their hiatus.

Jay-Z often likens himself to Michael Jordan, and now he can do so with complete honesty, as Kingdom Come plays like MJ's 2-year stint with the Washington Wizards (that is, assuming Jay doesn't have any more albums planned, and we've been duped about that before). In fact, the downsides to Jay's comeback album are easily comparable to Jordan's mistakes with the Wizards. Receiving 25 beats from Dr. Dre (the proof is in here somewhere) and choosing what would become "Trouble" was like taking Kwame Brown with a #1 draft pick (except that that dull beat isn't going to help anyone else a few years from now... GO LAKERS!). Throwing weak disses at Cam'ron on "Dig A Hole", the only diss track I can ever recall having an R&B chorus, was like trading Rip Hamilton for Jerry Stackhouse, giving up a lot (a reputation for ending careers) for a little (did Cam's rhymes about Jay's open-toe sandals really warrant a response?). Alloting valuable album space to a duet with girlfriend Beyonce on "Hollywood" was like giving the starting point guard spot to a yes-man like Tyronn Lue (Jay, you help Beyonce sell records, not vice versa).

If all of that sounded harsh, it's only because it hurts me the most to admit this. To me, The Black Album was the perfect way for Jay to step aside and leave the game that he helped make great -- in a day in age where rappers can make a fortune off of overstaying their welcome, it served as the proper swan song to an immaculate career. If Jay really wanted to make a worthwhile comeback, he would've waited until he had something truly special to offer, and Kingdom Come is no such thing. It does have its high points -- the chemistry between Jay and Just Blaze (who's better than Kanye West now, if you hadn't heard) shows strong in the consecutive trio of "Oh My God", the title track, and the lead single "Show Me What You Got"; Jay's ability to reveal himself (no homo) through his music is still strong, as seen in the Dre-produced "Lost One" and the Kanye-produced "Do You Wanna Ride"; shit, he even makes growing older sound fresh on "30 Something", another Dre production. However, these 6 songs make up tracks 2 through 7, and after that, it's all kind of downhill from there, until the pleasant surprise of "Beach Chair", an incredible collaboration with Coldplay's Chris Martin that closes out the album well, and also serves as the best-produced song on the whole album (which says a lot, good and bad).

Most college students (whether current or former, especially at UCSB) should be able to relate to the following: a homie is making a run to Taco Bell, and you throw some money his way to get you your usual three items, which you personally rank from best to worst (and if you're like me, #1 is a Cheesy Gordita Crunch, #2 is a Double Decker Taco, and #3 is a Chicken Soft Taco). Unfortunately, due to some miscommunication, likely between your homeboy and the cashier, or the cashier and his/her brain, one of the three is forgotten. Ultimately, you have a right to be pissed about it, and if you wanted to, you could go back there to complain... but by the same token, you've got some of what you wanted, you've been waiting for it and anxiously anticipating its arrival, and besides, it is Taco Bell, some of the greatest fast food of all time.

Basically, Idlewild is like them forgetting the Chicken Soft Taco, and Kingdom Come is like them forgetting the Double Decker Taco. I don't know about the rest of y'all, but to me, that makes too much sense.

[Part 2 coming soon]

Fantasy basketball, anyone?

2006-10-22T13:57:00.000-07:00

If you're interested in joining a fantasy basketball league on Yahoo, join the one that I'm in and you'll be guaranteed 10 TIMES MORE FUN!**

League ID is 91349. Password is mota. League name (which I didn't come up with, though I am definitely capable of coming up with such a name) is "Pack me a bowl". And if you're interested, my team is named "Spirit of Schintzius", in honor of the greatest mullet to ever bless the NBA with its presence.

** - completely unproven statistic

Who's more gassed about their own mediocre music?

2006-10-20T18:57:00.000-07:00

Kevin Federline...

... or Jim Jones?

Watching them both sing and dance (well, as much as one can dance while seated) along to their respective songs, "Popozao!" (you don't really pronounce it right without the exclamation point) and "We Fly High" (BALLLIIIIIIIN!!), it's too tough to make that call, so y'all decide for yourselves. A few factors worth noting, though -- while Jones is visibly weeded and probably that much more excited as a result, Federline's drug of choice (I'm sure there is one) is unknown. Furthermore, Jones has reason to be so hyped up, considering that his song is actually getting some airplay on radio and TV with his album due out next month, whereas "Popozao!" has yet to be played anywhere outside of a recording studio.

My God, what have I done?

2006-10-05T12:01:00.000-07:00

Since embedding YouTube videos seems to be the HOT SHIT! (echo) of "cool guy bloggers" nowadays, I figured I'd give it a shot with the only music video truly worthy of mention here. I still regret never breaking out any of these dance moves at an Isla Vista party.

You can't stop 85... from conducting awkward post-game interviews

2006-09-21T16:50:00.000-07:00

Perhaps the most likeable of the NFL's current class of flamboyant, egomaniacal, happy-feet having gloryhound wide receivers, Cincinnati Bengal and star of my Yahoo! Fantasy Football team Chad Johnson often boosts his ego by telling all, simply, that "you can't stop 85", referring to his jersey number. Cleveland Browns safety Brian Russell put forth his, and likely anyone else's, best effort to do just that last Sunday (as seen in the 1st video here), but considering that Russell's hit took place with 2 minutes left in the 4th quarter of what was pretty much a blowout Bengal win, whether or not it could reasonably be considering as having "stopped 85" is up for debate.

It certainly didn't stop a noticeably-still-shaken "85" from trying to take questions from the media in the locker room after the game (2nd video in that 1st link). If you've never seen a man slip in and out of an aware state of mind with a bunch of microphones in his face, or someone change from smiling to grimacing in pain in mere milliseconds, I suggest you watch that video, preferably multiple times. Shoutouts to Deadspin and, of course, Hugh. HUGH!!

You know someone special has been lost...

2006-09-06T11:00:00.001-07:00

... when they were the subject of parody on South Park...

AND starred in a Sportscenter commercial.

R.I.P. Steve "The Crocodile Hunter" Irwin, 1962-2006

MM Food

2006-08-30T17:04:00.000-07:00

This story brought back memories of Super Cucas. And stupid cops. I miss Isla Vista.

The Wacky World Of Condom Purchasing

2006-08-21T15:18:00.000-07:00

Going to a drug store to buy condoms always presents an opportunity for an uncomfortable encounter. Of course, it's not the 1950s anymore, and there's no shame in having sex for reasons other than procreation, but walking down aisles with a pack of Trojans in hand remains susceptible to a few unfavorable glares from (old) people. And thank goodness that the Studio City Rite-Aid keeps their supply WAAAY in the back of the store, completely opposite from the registers -- what would I do without y'all?

On this day, just in case, I picked up a bottle of Gatorade to strategically hold in front of the condom box, not so much because I'm trying to hide the fact that I'm buying condoms, but more so to avoid being "the guy" who's just buying condoms. Certainly, since I'm holding both things, it's debatable which one was of more primary importance -- avoiding becoming a father within a week of my 22nd birthday, or my thirst for Mango Electrico!

So I'm in the back of a rather lengthy line of people behind the only 2 open registers, looking, or at least feeling, cool and confident. Then a dude walks in talking on a cell phone, so of course his voice is elevated a few octaves for the moment. As he's about to cross my path, he puts his friend on the other end of the phone on hold, looks me in the eyes, points toward what I have in my hand, and, his voice still in "YOU'RE CRACKING UP" mode, begins to say to me...

"Hey, where'd you get..."

Time freezes for the moment. I feel like Zach Morris in Saved By The Bell in those scenes where he would freeze time to talk to the camera, and in the process fuck around with the people around him who were unable to move. If only that really were the case, because the dude who just ordered the ice cream cone would've totally got jacked! But anyways, the potential of this dude completely blowing my cover is pounding me in the head. If he finishes his question the way I'm presuming he will, then I might as well have walked through the store with the box taped to my forehead, or dropped my pants and started putting one on in the middle of the store, because either of those would have been less obvious than this guy asking me where to find condoms in the store.

"... that Gatorade?"

WHEW! My relief in hearing the end of his question was so overwhelming that I stumbled all over my response; fortunately, he was able to make sense out of "Back... against the wall... refrigerator". For next time, I'll be sure to get something much less desirable to cover up my condoms -- people won't get the wrong idea if I were to showcase a box of suppositories, will they?

I once saw him scissor-kick Angela Lansbury

2006-08-06T22:15:00.000-07:00

So, my previous "Roll Call" post went off without a hitch, and when I say "hitch", I mean "large enough amount of responses from people". Not the Will Smith movie. That would have made no sense whatsoever.

Regardless of that, it's now back to what from here on out will be considered "normal" -- occasional posts of slight importance and continued reckless disregard for human life. Thanks to those of you who responded to the last post, except for whoever asked me to shave their balls -- that was just weird. I toast to you all, and more importantly...

TO BILL BRASKY!!

Roll Call

2006-07-19T13:14:00.000-07:00

Okay, okay, everybody quiet down. Please be seated. Now... damn it, Zach, put the fucking phone down! Now, where was I. Ah yes...

Basically, now that college is over and close friends no longer live mere minute-long walks away, I have no way of knowing who's still reading this. I disabled the "Comments" section because I typically prefer to keep it a mystery, and I plan to keep it that way, but for right now, I'm curious to get at least a head count of how many people care whether or not I keep this thing going. So here's how you can help me:

I'm enabling the "Comments" section for the next week, and I won't be posting anything else for that time so that this post will stay on top. I'd like it if everyone who is reading this can leave a comment here. I have it set so that you don't need to actually have an account on Blogger to leave a comment, so all you need to do is create a name (or just leave it anonymous) and say whatever you'd like. It doesn't matter what you say -- something you like about this blog, something you don't like, just press Space Bar and leave it blank, you could even insult me! It's not like there aren't options to choose from -- I'm Jewish and am trying to become a lawyer, you could do plenty with that. I'm a bit overweight. Shit, have you seen the size of my feet lately? Size 15s aren't normal!

Furthermore, I don't care if you choose to leave your real name or not, so no one even has to know that you've wasted precious time of your life here that you'll never get back. Of course, if you'd like to leave a subtle hint that'll help me identify you, that's cool too. And since you could create a different name every time, you could leave as many comments as you'd like under different aliases... though I'm not encouraging that.

I have a number in my head, which I'm not going to say, that I'd like to see the "Comments" section reach, and if it doesn't reach that, then this blog won't be getting updated all that often in the future. Since it doesn't cost me any money to keep it active (there's that Jewish thing again), I'll leave it as is to give y'all the option of, say, on a rainy day or something, reading through the archives and remembering the humor that you could've still had! But seriously, here's hoping that all is going well with all of y'all, that those of you who have graduated are making the most of this limbo-like state that is post-college life, and that those who haven't yet graduated can't fall asleep in anticipation.

The Big Butt

2006-07-18T18:39:00.000-07:00

... and a montage of several more .gif-tastic recreations of Zidane putting his head where his mouth should've been (no homo). My personal favorites are the ones with E. Honda (at about 1:21), the A-bomb (2:17), M.C. Hammer (2:26), Materazzi's flying shoes (3:12), Britney Spears (3:40 -- truly "Something Awful"), Captain America (4:10), and whatever movie that is at 5:02.

Hide this post from mom

2006-07-17T17:08:00.000-07:00

[UPDATE: Considering how fucked up YouTube is getting, I've removed all of the links to videos that I previously had here, since most have likely been removed by YouTube anyways. You could probably search YouTube and find most of 'em, though.]

I touched briefly on the cancellation of BET Uncut in an earlier post, but obviously, I couldn't just leave it at that. Most Fridays and Saturdays, and some Thursdays, of my 4 years of college were like a race against time to catch the hour-long show. A long night of drinking, smoking, hollering at females, and succumbing to the desire for nachos would usually conclude at around 2-2:30 a.m., around which time one's eyelids would feel heavier and one's bed would look like paradise. But if you could tough it out and fight off the Sandman 'til 3:00, the fine folks at Black Entertainment Television would make sure you were pleasantly rewarded.

You know the phrase "bad meaning good"? I think that phrase was created with BET Uncut in mind. Though you'd get the occasional famous rapper making a video specifically for the Uncut audience, as well as a few of the more risque videos that got play during the day (a la Petey Pablo "Freek-A-Leek", David Banner "Play", etc.), the most good part of a BET Uncut episode was the bad -- low-budget videos with grainy imagery and poor editing, low-talent rappers with little skill, flow or personality, and low-costing women willing to shake however, hump whatever and make out with whomever. You know how you can't help but look at a car accident when you drive past it? BET Uncut was like the Hawaiian Tropic bikini competition bus getting into an accident, and all the girls (in their bikinis, of course) having to stand off to the side of the road waiting for help... and out of anger they started tearing each other's bikinis off... in a nearby lake.

The final episode of BET Uncut offered a fitting tribute to itself (unfortunately introduced by Jermaine Dupri), but I pay my own tribute in the form of my top 10 personal favorite BET Uncut videos. Video clips, when available, are brought to you by YouTube, the closest thing to godliness the internet has to offer. Some may require confirmation because they're rather naughty, and that in turn may require creating an account, which you should already have done by now.

10. Mike Jones f/ Slim Thug & Paul Wall - "Still Tippin'"
You may have seen this video before, but you may not have seen this video... confused? The Uncut version doesn't differ much from the regular version, but the few differences add up to make a big difference. As Slim Thug is doing his verse while riding his Escalade, you see the top of female's head bopping up and down near Slim's "crotchal" region (and she seems to really be going at it), before popping up and smiling at the camera, revealing herself to be the same chick who's dancing in front of the turntables later on (and she seems to really be going at here as well). Mike Jones performs his verse in a strip club, and Paul Wall puts hands on 2 very nice asses. A lot of popular songs had alternate Uncut versions of their videos for late night airplay, but Mike Jones' "Still Tippin'" might be the 1st to have originally gotten noticed from being on Uncut before radio and daytime airplay, rather than vice versa.

9. Murs f/ Shock G & Humpty Hump - "Risky Business"
After 2 Live Crew, Digital Underground are 1 of the original hip hop acts to blend music with sex, be it through tongue-in-cheek album titles and covers like Sex Packets and The Body-Hat Syndrome, or more explicitly in songs like the classic "Freaks Of The Industry" (which apparently has an equally explicit video that I could unfortunately not find on the web). So it's only fair they get some recognition. The group's lead-man (Shock) and his more-famous alter-ego (Humpty) accompany Murs in this video where his folks are out of town and he's got the pad to himself. Murs is another artist who, in a way, went against the Uncut grain, as, unlike most who had videos on the show, he had already established an independent music career before making an Uncut video, and likely would be just as famous as he is today with or without "Risky Business". But when you have a rented mansion in the Hollywood Hills, Shock G with the Humpty nose-and-glasses, and a gang of porno chicks at your disposal, the risk factor is minimal.

8. U-God - "Bump"
It's a commonly-held opinion that out of all the members of the Wu-Tang Clan, U-God is the worst rapper. Everyone else brings their own style and personality to the table, but U-God just usually sounds like he's doing his best "Wu-Tang" impersation (except on his verse on "It's Yourz" from Wu-Tang Forever, he ripped that shit), and when he'd try his best to come with something original and different the results were typically subpar (a la his verse from "The Jump Off" off The W, which stood out like a sore thumb). But to his credit, U-God is probably the only Wu member could pull off a low-budget Uncut video like "Bump". Just watching his facial expressions as he stretches out the last word of each line of the hook, it almost feels like he's testing himself to make the worst video he possibly can. Clearly, he passed the test with flying colors. The Wu is set to embark on a nationwide tour later this year, and I bet U-God'll be getting teased non-stop about this.

7. 50 Cent - "Many Men"
Occasionally, a video would warrant Uncut-only airplay not because of T&A content, but because of violent content -- to all the critics would said BET Uncut was all about smut, I say "Take that!" This is such an example, though 50 can certainly hold his own in the T&A category (see "Disco Inferno"). Granted, it's not really all that violent per se, but considering the topic of the song, one could only imagine what an MTV-friendly version of it would sound like. In the video for 50's best song to date, his infamous (**cue Chris Rock voice**) I-GOT-SHOT-NINE-TIMES ordeal is reenacted at the beginning, and 50 spends the rest of the video in recovery until he is able to confront the man he held responsible, oddly enough played by Oakland-area rapper Saafir, former Digital Underground affliate and 1/3rd of Cali-supergroup "Golden State Warriors" with Xzibit and Ras Kass (who've been rumored to be making an album together for some 10 years now).

6. Black Jesus - "What That Thing Smell Like"
The up-tempo production and R&B crooning in the chorus gives this track a catchy, early '90s feel to it, until it hits you that the dude singing is singing about the scent of female genitalia. This video provides a perfect example of the poor editing that ran rampant through these videos -- the girl towards the middle of this video that gets zoomed in on looks extremely surprised and uncomfortable.

5. Joker The Bailbondsman f/ Bizzy Bone - "Uh Huh"
BET Uncut's unheralded All-Star, Alaska's finest (no, really) Joker The Bailbondsman presented a whopping SIX music videos to his late night audience over the years. For a more purely Uncut video, "Let Me See Your Ass Drop" or "Ladies Coming Over" would be better choices, but the appeal of this song and video are overwhelming. It's rare that an independent artist could attract a major label talent like Bizzy Bone of legendary group Bone Thugs N' Harmony for not only a song but a video as well (the rest of the group makes cameos in the video as well). And Bizzy doesn't slouch, insanely delivering his guest verse and killing the chorus as well, though Joker more than holds his own on the mic as well. The video is along the lines of Juvenile's "Ha", providing visual aids to the lyrics, from the scantily-clad women to the weed and Swisher boxes to the (you guessed it) "money in a Ziploc bag", as well as painting a picture of life in Alaska, which doesn't appear to be that far off from good ol' Isla Vista, with its liquor stores, low-key parties, plastic cups, and weed and Swisher boxes.

4. The Mighty Casey - "White Girls"
Likely the longest running video of Uncut's history, "White Girls" was getting steady airplay up until the show's final episodes, despite having debuted some time around '01 or '02. While the majority of Uncut's video library could be considered low-budget, Casey's offering came across more like a class project, aided by the fact that Casey looks to be no older than a high school senior, and I wouldn't be surprised to find out his supporting cast were all classmates, the cheerleaders being a no-brainer. Rapping to the melody of Grandmaster Flash's classic "White Lines", Casey's lyrical wit makes the song, considering that his flow is all over the place -- the way he delivers the last line of his 2nd and final verse literally made me cringe. But this video will best be remembered for introducing the (for lack of a better name) "simulated oral sex" camera technique, where a shot of a seated Casey from the waist up is held, and the top of a girl's head is seen bobbing in and out of the lower area of the camera's shot. This technique was used in 2 of the other videos I've listed thus far (Mike Jones and Murs), but none pulled it off quite as well as Casey, who aids his female assistant along by placing his hand on the back of her head. I would refer to this video as "no budget", but I sincerely hope that the blonde in the aformentioned shot got some money for her part, as well as the 2 who lie in bed with a shirtless Casey, rubbing his taco meat-like chest hair.

3. Wax-A-Million - "I Ain't Got No Panties On"
I would've made this #1 if I could've found video of it, but all YouTube has to offer is random jackasses reciting and/or dancing to it's catchy female-voiced chorus, and I wouldn't have linked to that to give you all false hopes -- that would've been too cruel. But this video was the epitomy of the bad/goodness of BET Uncut. The "club scenes" in this video were described by a friend of mine as looking like they had been shot in a Sizzler. When the female voice came in for the chorus, a close-up of a pair of lips (hopefully a woman's) came up, impressively matching up with the audio of "I ain't got no panties on/Ain't got no panties on/I ain't got no panties on/On the dance floor", which followed with the male response of "Pull them panties off!" A call-and-response chorus -- truely Wax-A-Million has love for the old school. Perhaps the best part of the video was the cheesy graphic that scrolled Wax-A-Million's name, as well as the name of his record label, Pinky Ring Records (which is likely filing for bankruptcy as we speak), which provided the backdrop for a bald chick (why do some men find that appealing?) to shake her ass throughout the song. We never do get to really see this woman's face, but that's probably for the best. While the more famous rappers popping up on Uncut faced media criticism for not fulfilling their "role model" quotient, unknowns like Wax-A-Million were making the Uncut anthems that would live on years.

2. Ludacris f/ Shawnna & Lil' Fate - "P' Poppin'"
Seeing a famous rapper on BET Uncut was liking waking up to the smell of cinnamon rolls in the morning (unless it was just BET filling time by airing some of the same videos they show during the day) -- you just know something good is about to happen. Luda only gets 1 verse on the song to account for his guests, but he makes the most of it, rhyming above a lying-down female, her special areas acting as his mic stand (how does Luda come up with this shit?). This video came out around the same time as Bill O'Reilly's brigade against Luda following him being hired by Pepsi as a spokesperson, and surely added fuel to the fire. O'Reilly questioned Luda's position as a role model when he's shooting videos in strip clubs, and once again, O'Reilly finds himself way out of touch with the hip hop community he so despises. It wasn't just shot at a strip club -- it was a Pussy Poppin' Contest! These girls weren't just dancing for small bills -- there was a grand prize on the line! Come on now, where would America be without competition?

1. Nelly - "Tip Drill"
Was there any doubt in your mind? The shots of the 3 girls standing next to each other in that ever-so-undersized hot tube could've won it alone. So many women, so little clothing, so many offended feminists. This video got Nelly into such hot water with protesters that they forced him to cancel... get this... a bone marrow drive! Dude's trying to do something positive and is denied the opportunity solely because of his love of fat asses, and the subsequent swiping of a credit card through such asses. For the way he stood tall throughout the backlash from his video, and for making the video itself, I hold a deep admiration for Nelly... I just can't stand his music.

Coming soon... to my house

2006-07-13T16:09:00.000-07:00

S-Dot Carter, you must try harder

Competition is NADA!

Carmelo Anthony needs to stop lending shit out to friends

2006-07-12T11:31:00.000-07:00

Or just stop hanging around with weed smokers. Or just come out publicly and admit that he's a weed smoker. And if that is the case, then stop being a weed smoker, and thank his friends for covering for him all the time.

First, it was weed found in his backpack at an airport that he claimed a friend had left in there while borrowing it. Now, it's found in a car registered in Melo's name and driven by a friend of his. Since 3 is the magic number, something's got to come next. What else could Carmelo possibly lend to a friend of his that could end up searched by cops with weed inside of it -- his house? His locker at Denver's Pepsi Center? LaLa?

What a way to go out, out like a sucker

2006-07-12T00:56:00.000-07:00

I try to often heed the words of the great Chuck D, and not believe the hype, but I got reeled in for Frenchmen Zinedine Zidane's farewell from professional soccer following the recently-concluded FIFA World Cup... and I sure do regret it. Considering how much media attention it was getting, and the fact that Zidane already has one "retirement" under his belt, I should've avoided getting wrapped up in it, but in my defense and to Zidane's credit, he was playing like a man possessed -- juking defenders left and right, setting up goal opportunities, scoring a few himself, making penalty kicks look even easier than they usually appear on television, and all the while keeping himself cool and composed in a day and age where most soccer players react to goals by swinging their jerseys over their heads like the Petey Pablo song. All this at 34 years old, where it's more than likely that his signature bald head is equally a result of him not being able to grow any more hair, not just having shaved it.

Don't tell President Bush, but I put aside all my American pride temporarily to support the French (or would it be Freedom?) National Team in their quest for the cup, all because I wanted to see Zidane be rewarded for his efforts and leave the sport on top. Then he goes and plants his dastardly "ZZ Top" into Italian Marco Materrazi's chest, about 9 minutes before the championship game was heading to penalty kicks, and with France's other 2 best players -- Thierry Henry and Franck Ribéry [I was going to make a crack about Ribéry's uneven haircut here, but then I found out that it was due to a car accident he was in at age 2. I'm going to hell, by the way.] -- already subbed out due to injury and/or fatigue. And for what? Some words? Whatever happened to "fighting fire with fire"?

There have been a lot of rumors going around regarding the insult that Materrazi hurled at Zidane that led to the red-carded overreaction. One was that he said something about Zidane's recently-hospitalized mother, which is at least understandable as far as Zidane retaliating with a headbutt, but Materrazi has denied this vehemently. Another was that he called Zidane a "terrorist", but Materrazi denies this as well, claiming that he doesn't even know what that word "terrorist" means. The fuck? Well, we now know that this Materrazi dude isn't too bright, so we could fairly assume that his insult couldn't have been all that damaging -- you'd have to be at least a little intelligent to put together a string of words rude enough to warrant a headbutt to the chest.

I'm suggesting that Materrazi's insult, if it really truly ticked Zidane off so much, had to have been a shot at his country -- after all, this is the World Cup we're talking about, probably 2nd to the Olympics as far as a competition emphasizing homeland pride. Maybe Zidane's just not that clever and couldn't think of a witty retort. I mean, not to be racially insensitive here, but there's plenty of cracks you could make to an Italian if you're out to disrespect his heritage. Perhaps Zidane feared that he was going to be whacked? Ah-ha! I just came up with one right now! [To any and all Italians reading this, I'm only kidding. Please don't have me killed.]

All jokes aside, I feel bad for Zidane. A 3-time FIFA Player Of The Year, a World Cup champ in '98, this year's very-deserving World Cup MVP... but that headbutt is what he'll always be remembered for. It was a pussified act to the fullest extent and a shameful way to leave a game, let alone your farewell game, but the reputation it forces him to leave the game with is not one that appears fitting for a player of his caliber. I also feel mad, because I was cheering for him up until that point of the game -- the last time my opinion of a person changed so drastically in a split second was when I finished listening to Eminem's last album. And, to complete the trifecta, I feel sad as well. Not on-the-verge-of-tears sad, mind you. It'd take something of drastic proportions to get me to that pont. Something like...

This.

Yep, that just about did it. Damn it, now I need a tissue.

Wait! Don't go yet!

2006-06-15T13:34:00.000-07:00

It's safe to say my aforementioned "hiatus" is still in effect, but a strange situation that took place before one of my finals got me to thinking about something worth sharing. Imagine this situation, which my fellow (former) college students should know all too well...

You sit down for an all-multiple-choice final and, because you're a reliable person, you've got your tiny green Scantron and sharpened pencils in hand. Then the dude next to you lets out a just-loud-enough-so-that-a-handful-of-people-can-hear-it yelp of "Fuck! I forgot a Scantron!", or some variation of that. Going back to that whole "reliable person" thing, you managed to buy an extra Scantron before the test, just to play it safe. Now, do you:

(A) Ignore this dude's cry for help, figuring that either another classmate will have an extra Scantron to spare or this dude will learn his lesson about not being prepared
(B) Offer him your extra Scantron out of the goodness of your own heart
(C) Offer him your extra Scantron for a small fee, say 50 cents, considering that you paid money for it and this guy certainly shouldn't get away with being forgetful off of your spare change
(D) Stab him in the eye with one of your pencils

After taking a couple of seconds to reflect on my options (and hum a David Hasselhoff tune to myself), I went with option number C. To my surprise, dude responded, "Do you really want money for it?" I responded that I did, and he handed me 2 quarters. Publicizing this will probably put me at risk for a few "cheap Jew" jokes, but it wasn't about the money -- I mean, I'm far from rich, but 50 cents isn't going to make or break me. It was all about principle. If I gave dude a Scantron and just let it slide, who knows what other future mishaps he'd think could be solved by the dependability of an unknown neighbor? I take pride in thinking that maybe, from now on, he'll think ahead in such situations. Furthermore, him questioning my request for payment rubbed me the wrong way -- I'm not the Scantron fairy, contrary to popular belief. If this was a person I had known for some time, giving them a Scantron of mine would be no big deal, but some random, forgetful douche like the one I encountered? He's got to pay.

Looking back on it all, I probably should've just gone with D.

My only friend, the end

2006-06-09T13:39:00.000-07:00

Isla Vista is a lot like the condoms whose wrappers have littered its streets for some time now -- its primary purpose is to provide pleasure, but after a few years it loses its freshness. That's not to say that I haven't thoroughly enjoyed every year I've spent here at UCSB, but the fear of the "real world" that awaits me following graduation has slowly turned into anticipation. As this final quarter has moved ahead at the speed of a tortoise, I've found myself asking, "when is college going to end already?"

Well, look no further than next Sunday at 1:00, when a likely-hungover self will be shaking hands with Chancellor Yang and hazily squinting at the crowd. Goodbye to a place that I will never find an equivalent to until I visit Amsterdam, and hello to that "real world" that seemed so far away not too long ago. Well actually, it'll be a semi-"real world" at 1st, unless I end up living with my mom for the rest of my life (at least I'd be guaranteed good meals). But, it'll be a good precursor of what's to come, as in a matter of weeks I'll be working 4 days a week as an assistant at a law firm (not sure which one yet, but I have a pretty strong resume), taking LSAT prep classes twice a week leading into our 2nd encounter at the end of September, working on law school applications, saving money, and desperately missing NBA League Pass. No more paying out the ass to share a small house with 3 other grown-ass men (YAY!), no more "7 beer and 3 tequila shot" Wednesday nights (NO!), and no more writing albums reviews and random shit-talking (**sound of crickets**).

For now, at least. It's not necessarily that I've run out of things to talk about, as I have had a few ideas to discuss at length this week -- why Carlos Mencia is not funny, why I'm not nearly as impressed by Gnarls Barkley as everyone else, why I still have love for Shaq but desperately do not want him to win a championship this year, why I'm saddened that Crunchy Black is no longer with Three-Six Mafia -- but with the importance of what lies ahead, I haven't been able to really focus on shit like that. So, let me summarize each of my 4 points real quickly -- Mencia merely repeats racial stereotypes rather than make jokes about them, the whole "dressing up like different pop culture icons" schtick in their press photos and performances gives me the impression that they're trying to be the "Family Guy" of pop music (which is the last thing pop music needs, and this is coming from a fan of "Family Guy"), Shaq's public demands for a trade ensured that the Lakers wouldn't get anything close to equal-value in exchange and coming from an otherwise stand-up guy that irked me, and Crunchy's dance moves were killer.

But more importantly, I'll have to shut down shop for at least the next couple weeks considering the circumstances of what lies ahead -- partially moving out this weekend, finals next week, completing the move-out and graduating next weekend, 3 days in Vegas with my girlfriend the following week, and a graduation party back home on Saturday, June 24th, which most of you reading this are more than welcome to attend (hit me up for details). Not to mention that I'm not exactly sure when I'll have a high-speed connection at home, and if my computer has to be put in the living room (which seems very likely), it'll bring added difficulty keeping this blog/former-subprofile a secret from my family, though I had a close call when I stupidly exchanged AIM names with my then 7-year old and 13-year old 2nd cousins a couple years ago -- I'll never know if they read the section about my mushroom experience, or if they even understood any of it.

I'll go ahead and call it a "hiatus", only because I rarely get to use that word. But in the mean time, allow me to say thank you to all those who have partaked in my memories along side me -- I'll never forget y'all, and I hope we can all keep in touch. So I leave you all with a smile for the memories...

... and, as an added bonus, some memories for your smiles...

House Quotes
[A fan-favorite of my subprofile. The majority of these come from sophomore year, which was easily the most quotable of my college time.]

"What time is it?" - Villa
"It is... November 12th." - me

This one's kind of cold, but hey, don't shoot the messenger...
"Hey, what's that?" - Kwaz, watching Men In Black and sarcastically pointing out a scene with the World Trade Center towers in the background
"A graveyard." - Villa

Villa compliments me on my "Junkyard Dog"-esque style of play in our opening game win in C-league basketball, a game in which I also took an errant pass to the head
[Quick background -- retired NBA player Jerome "Junkyard Dog" Williams was known for his hustle and energy on the court, as well as his fucked-up teeth.]
"You gotta fill (JYD's) spot. You just gotta lose a few teeth first." - Villa
"Well, if I keep taking balls to the face... no homo." - me

"Snoop could bring coke back." - me, in the midst of a discussion about how Snoop Dogg can basically smoke weed anywhere and still be loved by old white people

"Who the fuck's 'Scott'? And why did you steal his bike?" - me, to Kwaz, as he enters the pad with his new bike that has "SCOTT" written on the frame [Turns out that's a brand name -- who'd have guessed that?]

"That shirt got me some action last night." - Kwaz, about his spiffy new long-sleeve button-down
"Why, did you put it over your face?" - Villa

"In your office. NOW!" - Matt, to Arnold Schwarzenegger, in a dream he had

"We all lived in the 1400s last year." - Jones
"The 1400s? Was that the scholar's hall?" - Liz
"Haha, fuck no." - me

"See, before The Passion, I didn't even know the Jews killed Christ." - Kwaz, the Agnostic
"Yeah, it's like, 'Jesus died? Shit, I thought he bought a sack off of Brian last week.'" - me

"We can't drink. We need to get drunk." - Villa

I mention to Kwaz about how at his concert, Kanye West said "Steve" instead of "Eve" in the 1st verse of "All Falls Down"
"Who's Steve?" - Kwaz
"I'm Steve, motherfucker!" - me

"I want a Mickey's, a 211, an O.E., and a Steel Reserve." - G-Bo
"A 211 is a Steel Reserve. You want 2 Steel Reserves?" - me
"Nah, I want a Mickey's, a Steel Reserve, an O.E., and a 211." - G-Bo

"He's got a spoon in his pocket!!" - Brian, reacting to G-Bo waking up and pulling a spoon out of his pocket

"I saw it on Hey Dude." - G-Bo, justifying his technique of standing on his head to get rid of the hiccups

...and now, the "drunk Neil" saga
"It's time to get serious! Reed?" - Neil, pounding on table
"Yeah." - Reed
"Serious! Gannon?" - Neil, pounding on the table
"Yeah." - Matt [He looks like Rich Gannon, by the way.]
"Serious! Villa?" - Neil, once again pounding
"Yeah." - Villa
"Serious! That's Vi-ya, not Vi-la. Double L becomes a 'Y'! Buha?" - Neil
"Yeah." - me
"Serious! No 'if's' or 'but's' about Buha!" - Neil

"It's like, I could do that." - Neil, after seeing Conan O'Brien on TV

Neil grabs a cigarette and everyone proceeds to walk outside, except me
"Sorry, I don't smoke." - me
"It's cool, man. You still win." - Neil

"Buha, I got something for you." - Kwaz, after I told him I made out with a girl that had just left our house
"What is it?" - me
"A high-five!" - Kwaz

"Where we going? Back to my house?" - Brian to Kurt, while in our house

"I ate some tin foil the other day." - Reed

"You should name your kid 'Me-touching.'" - Omer, to Brian [If you know Brian's last name, you'd know why that's funny.]

Brian, off a Mickey's, a hit off the 4-footer and 3 hours of sleep, throws his jacket at Kwaz
"Who's jacket is this?" - Kwaz
"It's mine! Give it back!" - Brian

"You love the weed, don't you?" - me
"It beats doing shit." - Tyson

"I would die for an STD." - Jeff, on a tirade about SBCC bitches

"One of the girls in my group is Jewish." - Kwaz, who proceeds to look at me
"Let Steve B hit it. OH!" - me

"Freebirds is a pipe dream." - Villa

"Could've used you a half-hour ago." - me, to a condom

"I like this coffee table. We have a place to put our bongs." - Reed

"You're going to med school?" - Kurt
"No, I'm stoned." - Tyson

While sitting at my computer, Kwaz proceeds to enter, grab my shoulders and scream "BOO!" to successfully startle me...
"So... what's up?" - me
"Nothing. I'm just a big child." - Kwaz, who then leaves with his head down

"You missed your roommate last night." - Kwaz, in reference to me throwing up the night before
"What roommate?" - Brian

"Buha, you feeling okay?" - Kwaz
"Yea, I'm alright. I have that feeling like I don't want to drink tonight, but that'll go away in a matter of hours." - me

"Fuck this whole house." - Katie, after passing out the night before and having a penis and hairy nutsack drawn on her face with a Sharpie by Neil

"Today's the 1st day in a month and a half that I went to all my classes. But I missed 1." - Villa

"Mary! AY!" - Kwaz, screaming into his cell phone

"You can tell me when I ask you!" - me, being mean to Tara

"Did you know Abercrombie is racist against Asians and I'm Asian?" - Brian, to an Abercrombie-sporting Ashton

"I'm just drunk, I'm not an amusement park!" - a drunk girl in our house who we all stared at until she said something funny, hence the quote

"I don't role play. I just pound that pussy. I ain't Doctor Nurse!" - Brian, in reference to why he can't be a Cubs fan

"Do we have a VCR?" - me
"What's that?" - Brian

"Show me a good cookie and I'll eat it." - Villa

"I'm gonna piece a fat blunt in celebration of his death." - Brian, in reference to forgetful ex-President Ronald Reagan (R.I.P. ... and yes, he/we did)

"I bet he got a lot of pussy, dude." - Kwaz, in reference to Jesus

"Who put this Keystone in my hand? Hey, who's putting it to my mouth?" - me, defending my drunkenness

"The resin let's you know it's working." - Kwaz, in reference to... um, something

... fuck it, since I'm in a giving mood...

The Cheebas
[Another fan-favorite. These are all the things I've learned, and hope to have taught, based on my consumption of marijuana.]

Most Difficult Thing To Try To Explain: How porn works on computers

Best Smell To Come Out Of A Kitchen: Cooked bacon

Best Way To Scare A Stoned Person: Act like you're going to throw a bag of glass at them
[Note: To be most effective, obtain a bag of glass 1st]
[Runner-up: Act like you're going throw a dart at them -- nice try, Kwaz]

Worst Time To Drive: In the rain, while stoned

Most Awful Trend In Baseball: Fans wearing pink jerseys and caps [Fuckin' Cam'ron -- not that I don't like his music]

Brian's Favorite Song: "Redemption Song" by Bob Marley

Worst Thing To Listen To In A Hot-Boxed Car: Mike Ferry's "Handling Objections" [This is what happens when you have a friend working in real estate that forgot his CDs at home]

Most Entertaining Video Game: Bomberman 3
[Runner-up: Hot Shots Golf 3 -- who wants to buy some dirt?]

Most Oblivious When Passing Out: Kwaz, particularly with a partially-full beer in hand

Best Casual Vomiter: Kwaz
[Runner-up: Villa]
[2nd Runner-up: me]

Best Game: Name The Capitals [1st, international; then, states]
[Runner-up: Chief 'Til You Sleep]

Most Valuable Commodity: Money
[Runner-up: Corndogs]

Best Part Of 04/20/03: Everything except below

Worst Part Of 04/20/03: Domino's delivering a Pepperoni & Ham pizza instead of Pepperoni & Mushroom

Best Computer With A Cigarette In The Floppy Disk Drive: (tie) Kwaz's and Matt's, a.k.a. Ignignokt and Err

Worst Time To Get Blunted: The night before the day in which you plan to finally crack down and study for finals

Most Underrated Musical Genius: Ol' Dirty Bastard (R.I.P.)

Best Idea For Measuring When Without Scale: Create 2 identical piles; 1 to sell, the other to keep and measure out in the future (courtesy of Vilen)

Biggest "Reed" Ever: Putting a vaporizer on top of a chocolate-covered graham cracker, subsequently melting the chocolate onto the table and into the vaporizer

Biggest "Vadim" Ever: Confusing a leopard-printed bag with a bag of pretzels
[Runner-up: Not knowing the date of New Years]

Most Willing To Admit That He's Messed Up: Vadim

Worst Thing To Be Around While High: A computer with slow internet and no music
[Runner-up: Schemish bitches]

Best Sunday Ever: Saturday, 11/08/03 [If only it really were a Sunday]

Longest Movie: The History Of Everything That Ever Happened [Note: Not an actual movie]
[Runner-up: Matrix Reloaded]
[2nd Runner-up: The Postman]

Movie That Smoking Pot Can't Even Make Enjoyable: Robocop 3

Movie That Smoking Pot Can Make Enjoyable: Mulholland Dr.

Best Situation To Watch A Movie Under: Freddy vs. Jason, in a theatre full of rowdy Canadians

Worst Situation To Watch A Movie Under: Kill Bill Vol. 1, next to loud chicks
[Runner-up: Fear And Loathing In Las Vegas, in friend's room w/ parents sleeping in next room]

Worst Rap Video: Lil' Jon's "Get Low" Remix w/ Busta Rhymes & Elephant Man, for combining three distinct music styles -- reggae, salsa and bad
[Runner-up: Nelly's "Tip Drill", which you can only see on "BET Uncut", for fantastic reasons]

Craziest House On MTV Cribs: Terrell Owens, for the pimped-out room in his basement which he calls the "Chocolate Parlor"

Best Name To Tag Into Fogged-Up Car Window: “STEVE”

Best Parking Job: Old guy parallel parking

Favorite Internet Pastime: Yahoo! Dominoes
[Runner-up: Warning people anonymously on AIM and pretending like it wasn't you]

Best Freshly-Baked Cookie: Peanut Butter & Chocolate Chip

Best Burger: In-N-Out Double-Double with grilled onions

Best Fries: In-N-Out "Animal Style"

Worst Burger: The burger In-N-Out forgot to give you that you paid for
[Runner-up: Smushed Double-Double]

Best Non-Burger Fast Food: Taco Bell Double Decker Taco (preferably 2)
[Runner-up: Jack In The Box Philly Cheesesteak, R.I.P.]

Most Underrated Fast Food: Del Taco

Best Non-Fast Food: Herb & Butter Rice-A-Roni

Worst Thing To Eat Prior To Getting Stoned: Chinese food

Best Thing To Buy In Bulk: Nesquik
[Runner-up: Marijuana]

Best Tastes-Good-With-Anything Seasoning/Sauce: McCormick Szechuan Style Pepper Blend
[Runner-up and Former Winner: Tapatio]

Worst Time To Play Pool: May, a.k.a. National Angle Month

Best Jacket: Bomber jacket (for Top Gun impersations)

Best High-Pitched Voice: Paul Bearer (Undertaker's old manager)

My New Nickname Which Hardly Caught On: "Stilleto" (because I'm "tall and smooth")

Funniest Misuse Of Words: saying "Actuality" instead of "Actually"
[Runners-up: "Courvasier" instead of "Concierge"; "Variation" instead of "Very Asian"]

Smartest Person To Light A Joint At The Wrong End: Me

What There Ain't Nothing Like: Money in a Ziploc bag

Busta Rhymes - The Big Bang

2006-06-04T21:21:00.000-07:00

Busta Rhymes never really came off as the type of rapper who craved the spotlight -- over the course of his 1st 3 albums, the spotlight just seemed to naturally cater to him. His energetic mic presence, growling voice and creative personality brought him to the forefront of his former group Leaders Of The New School, and as a solo artist, he made hit songs that bumped and accompanying videos that pushed the envelope. With the exception of "How's It Gonna Be", which featured Janet Jackson, all of his hit singles back then were solely his -- "Woo Hah!", "Dangerous", "Put Your Hands Where My Eyes Can See", and so on. It was always Busta in front of the fisheye-lens camera, waving his dreads around, making faces, sporting big hats, just doing shit other rappers really didn't do. It was Busta being Busta, and the masses loved it.

Then some things changed in 2000, when he dropped album #4, Anarchy. Though it wasn't at all a bad album (probably underrated, in fact), and featured a stellar guest list (Jay-Z, DMX, Raekwon, Ghostface, M.O.P.), it lacked that sure-fire smash hit that Busta's reputation had been based on -- "Get Out" sounded too much like "Hard Knock Life", and as hard as MTV tried to push "Fire", it just wasn't happening. Ever the hard-worker, he released Genesis a year later and effectively ended his short-lived lack of buzz, because this time around, Busta tried something new that ended up working wonders -- employing heavyweight producers, in this case Dr. Dre and the Neptunes, to assist him on 5 tracks, among them "Break Ya Neck" and "What It Is". Seeing that the spotlight that had catered to him before was now growing to be bigger than he could fill alone, Busta began to bring in others to help, be it Dre, Pharrell, Puff Daddy, Mariah Carey, Sean Paul, singing Mary J. Blige, rapping Mary J. Blige, or any of the 20-something rappers he threw on his remix to "Touch It".

For his 7th commercially-released album, an accomplishment in itself, Busta's tried something new again, signing to an artist-run record label in Dr. Dre's Aftermath Records, a trend that had served to aid many a popular-in-the-'90s rappers -- Common is on Kanye West's G.O.O.D. Music imprint, Nas just signed to Def Jam which is headed by Jay-Z, and Mobb Deep and Mase are now full-fledged G-Unit clones. The Big Bang not only puts pressure on Busta to live up to his full potential with "the good doctor" behind the boards, but also puts pressure on Dre, a notorious perfectionist who would more willingly drop an artist than release a wack album (Hittman, anyone?), even if that means making the public wait multiple years (Detox, anyone?).

Busta is most well-known for making party tracks, and one knock to his music is that seemingly, if you've heard one Busta album, you've heard 'em all. You know what he's going to say -- let's get high, let's get drunk, shake that ass, party goin' on over here, turn it up, you know we come through and give you what you need, and so on and so forth -- and for the most part, you know how he's going to say it. On The Big Bang, Busta limits this element of his career much more than on any prior album, but when he does bring it out, Dre's production and oversight makes it much greater than what you'd expect. The haunting melody on the opener "Get You Some" keeps it from being the prototypical "money, cars, women" track that most MCs will create, and "How We Do It Over Here" may be the 1st time I've successfully withstood a Missy Elliott appearance, though it was a very difficult task. On "New York Shit", Busta is taking a stand for his home state in the midst of the South's taking over of hip hop with rudimentary "snap" and "screw" music, and with DJ Scratch's infectious beat and Swizz Beatz' old school-flavored hook, its anthem quality is undeniable. Busta's always been wise in knowing when to dumb down lyrically in exchange for making a great record, and "New York Shit" is such a record.

These 3 tracks and "Touch It", which we've all heard by now, make up the 1st 4 tracks of The Big Bang, and up to this point its a Busta Rhymes album without a doubt. Then "Been Through The Storm" starts up, with who else singing on it but... Stevie Wonder?!? Busta's semi-autobiographical verses are a complete 180, and the marvelous Dr. Dre beat adapts throughout, building up to a symphonic ending. "In The Ghetto" follows, with more singing, this time from... Rick James?!? The late legend's crooning brings even more life to an already-funky track. Busta's freshness typically came from experimenting with new, often lightning-fast rhyme schemes, but on this album, it's his chemistry with 2 legendary music figures who've likely influenced every MC in some way, shape or form that produces truly standout music. This more mature Busta also shows up on another highlight track, "You Can't Hold A Torch" f/ Q-Tip, where the 2 N.Y. mainstays question the direction of hip hop over a soulful piano beat by another belated hip hop hero in his prime, J Dilla.

Though The Big Bang is not without its faults, they ultimately amount to one very forgettable, very skippable track -- "I Love My Bitch" f/ Will.I.Am and Kelis. It's downright silly, corny, awkward, awful, insert negative adjective here, and that's not even touching upon how contradictory it is to say you "love" someone who you'd willing call your "bitch". The Timbaland-produced "Get Down" is a slight misstep -- it would've served better amongst the more party-flavored opening tracks, and the minimalist nature of the beat is a far cry from the quality of recent Timbaland contributions to highly-anticipated albums (i.e. "Dirt Off Your Shoulder", "Put You On The Game"). The following track, "I'll Do It All", features another surprising guest spot in LaToya Jackson, (though I'm fairly confident that it's actually a typo on the leaked version because the female singing sounds distinctively like Snoop-protege LaToiya Williams), but the singing is not what affects the song for the worse, but rather the slow, dragging flute-based beat that gets boring rather quickly. Outside of these 3 tracks, one could also question, considering his goofy demeanor back in the day, when Busta got so deep into the crack game, but it doesn't musically affect "Cocaina" f/ Marsha of Floetry, or "Gold Mine" f/ Raekwon -- I guess if you're going to make a track about drug dealing, you might as well put Rae on it, and with Busta taking the role of co-executive producer on the forthcoming Cuban Linx II (which apparently is going to be released on Aftermath?), it's a sign of good things to come.

On the closer, "Legend Of The Fall Offs", Busta speaks emotionally on rappers, with no need to name names, who've been at it for a long time and are at the end of their careers, certainly speaking from experience considering that pre-Aftermath-deal-Busta was struggling to maintain popularity. Another powerful song produced by Dre, the beat works around the sound of a shovel digging up an dropping chunks of dirt on a grave, very impressively. Always one to talk about how hip hop has been changing for the worst, The Big Bang is Busta's attempt to do something about it. By the end, the highest of the highs ("New York Shit", "Been Through The Storm", "In The Ghetto") outnumber and overshadow the lows ("I Love My Bitch"), and one can't help but be impressed with how Busta and Dre collectively raised the bar. With Busta's affinity for making party-ready records, the fact that the majority of the tracks on here possess a deeper, darker, more sentimental feel was a risk -- but, a risk that worked for the best, making for one the best releases of the year.

Don't mess with the bull, you'll get the horns

2006-06-01T13:21:00.000-07:00

R.I.P. Principal Dick Vernon. Oh, I mean, Rich. I wonder if Barry Manilow ever found out about you raiding his wardrobe. Man, that was a great movie.

Another tidbit of interest: Judd Nelson's name in the movie? Johnathan Bender.

Love 'em or leave 'em alone

2006-05-30T13:14:00.000-07:00

This picture of Cleveland Cavaliers guard Larry Hughes, taken at a recent party thrown by Nelly, has been making the rounds all over the Internet today, and it's quite troubling for me. Some may question Hughes' ethics, considering that he missed Games 3 through 6 of his team's playoff series with the Pistons to mourn the death of his younger brother Justin, who was born with a heart defect and had been sick for some time -- and a little over a week after his team's elimination, his "grieving" process appears to have changed considerably. But I won't hold that against Larry, as this situation is nothing like Vince Carter in his Toronto Raptor days being seen C-walking on stage at a Nelly concert while rehabbing a leg injury. True story.

What I'm disturbed by is the "I Heart Strippers" tee that Hughes is sporting, which I'm fearing is going to catch on with the public. It was bad enough when "rappa turnt sanga" T-Pain put out that awful "I'm In Luv Wit A Stripper" song, forever altering many a car stereo and cell phone ringer nationwide, and it got worse when he put out the remix with some of the biggest self-proclaimed pimps and macks in urban music -- Too Short, Pimp C, MJG, Twista, R. Kelly -- professing their equally undying love to the women who take their clothes off for money. Oh yea, and this clown was on the remix, too.

No, you dont.

All of this is adding up to what has become an awful trend -- men proclaiming that they love and/or are in love with a stripper and/or multiple strippers. Not only that, but it's being stated as if it's a good thing. As if it's something positive. Something to brag about. It's not. Being in love with a stripper is a terrible feeling that will lead to a lot of emotional self-reflection in the future. Take my experience, for example, which I posted in September of last year -- here's the abridged version of "Summer Recap, Pt. 2" a.k.a. "I Fell In Love With A Stripper Named Genesis". The setting is the Sapphire in Las Vegas, which has gotten some mention here before:

"Having cold lamped for a little while, I decided to take up a lapdance offer soon, and that's when she arrived. Now, I'm not too sure how to define 'too pretty to be a stripper', and I try not to use terms that I don't know the definition of, but this girl was just that. She says her (stripper) name is Genesis, like that one red-haired chick from a many-years-ago season of 'The Real World', or the video game system that was to my elementary school years what the PS2 is to my college years. She asks what brought me to Vegas, I tell her I turned 21 this month ('this month' being August), and she says she did too, no less than 5 days prior to my birthday. Then she starts her lapdance, and, well, it wasn't very good. She wasn't really 'on' my lap most of the time, often just kind of flirting from a distance, showing me stuff; as far as past lapdances go, this one was nowhere near the 'City of Industry Rubdown', nor as good as the 'Bel Air Surprise'. But the badness of it in lapdance standards was what made it good; this pretty-ass girl was just flirting with me, and after blocking out the fact that I now have $20 less than I had 5 minutes ago (a feeling you quickly get used to in Vegas), I actually enjoyed it quite a bit. Young, pretty, flirtatious, a Leo, and her name reminded me of 'Altered Beast' -- what more could I ask for in a woman?"

Maybe one who'll put out and not use you for money, perhaps. Now, don't get me wrong, I still appreciate strip clubs and what strippers do, but getting "love" caught up with it is taking it a bit too far. I've learned from the past that once you tell a woman you love her, she's likely to do less for you than before you uttered those words. So what's it's worth to tell a stripper you love her? A less-inspired lap dance? Is that what you want, Larry? And how are you going to feel when this latest "love of your life" hops off your lap to get $20 from some other dude, T-Pain, IF THAT'S EVEN YOUR REAL NAME??

To conclude, I'll quote myself once more -- "Conversations with strippers shouldn't go any farther than 'What's your name?' and 'How much?'". And if I hear anything more about people who have probably forgotten about more girls than I've ever even been with talking about how they're falling in love with some chick based on what they'll do for a few bills, I'm going to be sick.

Best Kanye West Beats

2006-05-24T18:33:00.000-07:00

It's difficult to appreciate one's God-given abilities when they voluntarily combine it with equal parts arrogance. Sort of like how the Phoenix Suns' Tim Thomas does the Tony Yayo "you can't see me" dance every time he makes a big shot.

G-G-G-G Gee, you suck!

When it comes to Kanye West, no matter how much he tries to sell off his self-importance, no matter how many awards he feels he's a shoe-in to win, no matter how many tantrums he throws when he doesn't win, and no matter how many Hollywood stars he's become buddy-buddy with, there's no denying that he makes damn good music. I could go on for hours... well, a few good minutes at least, telling you why Late Registration wasn't as good as Kanye hyped it up to be, but I couldn't do that without 1st admitting that it was one the best albums of last year. Do I feel bad praising a man who has already praised himself about 100 times over? Not really, considering that no one of value knows who I am. [Sorry, people reading this!]

But regardless of all that, what follows is my top 15 Kanye West productions. Now, Kanye has said in the past that he saves his best beats for himself -- I personally disagree with that, as I've only included 3 songs off of Kanye's 2 albums on my list. And even if it were true, I'm also aiming with this list to highlight Kanye's work with other MCs, considering most of us should know that Kanye produced his 2 major-label albums all by himself (with the exception of "Touch The Sky", which was produced by equally-talented-but-nowhere-near-as-attention-seeking Just Blaze).

15. Beanie Sigel - "Gangsta Gangsta" f/ Kurupt -- One of Kanye's early productions, off of Sigel's '01 release The Reason. Perhaps Kanye was still trying to find his niche here, because this is much grimier than most of what he's offered since.

14. Scarface - "In Cold Blood" -- This is one of 3 beats Kanye did for Scarface's '02 5-mic recipient The Fix, an album which I'd say Kanye has had his 3rd biggest impact on (after The Blueprint and Be). There are so many elements to this beat that you might find yourself not even paying attention to 'Face's lyrics.

13. Common - "Testify" -- Outside of how the looped vocal sample fits so well with Common's courtroom story about a double-crossing woman framing her husband, Kanye's creativity is shown most with the 2 big drum claps that begin each verse, as if to symbolize a judge's gavel. Well done.

12. Kanye West - "Late" -- Ah, the magic of taking a vocal sample and making it say whatever you want it to say. With the singing in the chorus, you might believe that the song Kanye samples is saying "I'll be late for that", when in fact it's saying "I'll erase away" (as in "I'll Erase Away Your Pain", by '70s soul group The Whatnauts). The harmonious production stands out even more considering that Kanye's occasional lyrical ineptness is in full swing here -- he actually uses the line "I ain't thought of no line that could rhyme with that". You know what you do in that situation, Kanye? Scrap the whole rhyme and come up with something else! Sheesh!

11. Kanye West - "Get 'Em High" f/ Talib Kweli & Common -- Simple but effective. It grabs you when it first kicks in at the beginning; clearly, Kanye caught on to this, as he repeats this effect throughout the song by frequently dropping the beat out and bringing it right back.

10. Jay-Z - "Heart Of The City (Ain't No Love)" -- Greatness, even if only for the "take 'em to church"-type breakdown in the middle of the song, with the finger-snapping and hand claps.

9. Scarface - "Guess Who's Back" f/ Jay-Z & Beanie Sigel -- Another great production from The Fix. Real smooth melody, especially with the high-pitched notes echoing.

8. T.I. - "Let Me Tell You Something" -- Sleeper pick, from 2 of rap's biggest names back when they were just getting their feet wet. Off of '03's Trap Muzik (which also features "Doin' My Job", another excellent Kanye production), Kanye crafts a perfectly laid-back beat for T.I. to sweet talk the ladies to, complete with a vocoder'd "do-do-do" which is a nice addition, especially considering that the vocoder doesn't get much use outside of the (Kanye?) West coast.

7. Jay-Z - "Poppin' Tags" f/ Twista, Killer Mike & Big Boi -- On a song with talented MCs rapping in double-time, it's rare that the production could steal the show... such is Kanye.

6. Cam'ron - "Dipset Forever" -- As far as closing out an album, I can't think of a song in recent years that pulled off the task as well as this track did for '04's Purple Haze. Especially nice is the way the beat builds up tension leading into the hook.

5. Kanye West - "We Major" f/ Nas -- A lot of press was made about film composer Jon Brion co-producing Late Registration, but this track was really the only one in which he made a noticeable impact. Jay-Z said that this was his favorite track off of that album -- dude has good taste, outside of Amil.

4. Twista - "Slow Jamz" f/ Kanye West & Jamie Foxx -- Why Twista didn't employ Kanye to produce a single track on his last album is beyond me... kind of like how good record sales are beyond Twista. Zing!

3. Common - "Faithful" f/ John Legend & Bilal -- From my Best of 2005 list: "...next time you drink too much, end up throwing up, and have trouble passing out, listen to 'Faithful'. It's like medicine."

2. Jay-Z - "Takeover" -- Jay needed something fresh as his backdrop to deliver the opening blow to Nas in their war of words that followed. Kanye's sampling of The Doors' "Five To One" was just that, but what made the beat that much better was how he looped a snippet of Jim Morrison's vocals ONLY under Jay's lyrics -- usually looping a sample of someone's vocals is made the main part of a hip hop producer's beat, but Kanye uses it in the background, making the vocals practically impossible to decipher and thus adding another element to the beat. If it has been universally accepted that Nas' "Ether" was the superior diss record but "Takeover" is in fact the superior overall song, then it is in large part due to Kanye's contributions.

1. Twista - "Overnight Celebrity" -- Besides speeding up the violin introduction from Lenny Williams' "Cause I Love You", Kanye totally takes apart and re-pieces together this original song to create the beat for Twista's biggest hit to date. The structure of this beat -- starting with the violins, building up into the main melody, with the "I-I-I-I" coming in for the chorus, then the bridge after the 2nd verse, and bringing back the violins at the end -- actually resembles that of Classical concertos. [I'm taking Music 15 this quarter; otherwise, I'd have no idea what I just said.] For those that criticize producers like Kanye for using so many samples to make beats, this song is a prime example of how it's not just as simple as speeding up an old soul record and being able to rhyme over it.

Honorable Mentions -- Royce The 5'9" - "Heartbeat", Common - "Be", and Jay-Z - "Encore"

Request hour

2006-05-21T13:22:00.000-07:00

kingfan4444: u gots to update ur blog biznatch
ariSTAcRat: bout what?
kingfan4444: try the 5 bux u lost
kingfan4444: for starters
ariSTAcRat: fuck you

I was SO certain that the Clippers/Suns game was on Sunday night that I was willing to put a faintly-bearded President Lincoln on it. Turns out it's on Monday night. Oh well, that 5-spot probably would've gone towards weed.

So, that means that the Cavaliers/Pistons series got 1 night of rest between their Game 6 (Friday) and their Game 7 (today), which should be the norm in the playoffs. The Mavericks/Spurs series gets 2 nights of rest between their Game 6 (Friday) and their Game 7 (Monday), which is forgivable. The Clippers/Suns series will now get 3 night of rest between their Game 6 (Thursday) and their Game 7 (Monday), which is completely uncalled for.

David Stern, get on your job... and hit me that 5 bucks you cost me. I need to smoke.

I have no interest in this post

2006-05-17T12:18:00.000-07:00

The DaVinci Code -- a movie everybody except me wants to see, based on a book everybody except me has read. I feel so left out; it's like high school all over again.

But honestly, that description would fit just as well for any of the Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter movies, except that the media isn't warming up to "Tomas" Hanks and his new hairdo like they did Elijah Wood or that goofy British kid with the glasses. The 1st review even says that the audience "burst out laughing" at the film's most climactic scene -- though I have no knowledge of/interest in the book/movie, I'm fairly certain it's not intended to be a comedy. My take on this whole thing -- if you must spend X-amount of dollars on a movie (they vary by region, but whatever it is for you, it's probably overpriced), go check to see if your local megacinemaplexthing is still playing Thank You For Smoking and see that instead. Or just wait for Snakes On A Plane starring the one-and-only Samuel L. Jackson.

"I've had it with these snakes."

Cam'ron - Killa Season

2006-05-16T14:13:00.000-07:00

If ignorance is bliss, then there probably aren't many people in the world happier than Cameron Giles. Out of all of the rappers who don't give a fuck, Cam'ron might give so little of a fuck that calling it "not giving a fuck" would be an overstatement. There's not really a more fitting explanation than that as to why Cam would nickname his Diplomat crew the "Taliban" less than a year after the planes hit the World Trade Center. Or why, on a diss track to Nas, he'd threaten to do an "R. Kelly" to his daughter (which may not seem all that serious, until you consider that New York morning radio host Star made a similar comment about a rival DJ on the air... and got arrested). Or why he'd make a diss track to the most powerful man in rap music right now and focus almost solely on his physical appearance and fashion sense. Cam wears his smugness and cockiness like his platinum chains, and unless you really want to hate it, then just like the title to his Jay-Z diss record... "You Gotta Love It".

Killa Season is Cam's follow-up to '04's oft-delayed Purple Haze, his final album on Roc-A-Fella Records. One of the main reasons for that album's delays was the inability to find a marketable 1st single, leading to the atrocious and I-can-only-hope-it-was-forced remake of Cyndi Lauper's "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun". With his new deal at Asylum Records, it's clear that Cam has more say and less restrictions as to what he can put out, hence Killa Season's 1st single -- "Suck It Or Not" f/ Lil' Wayne (aptly renamed "Touch It Or Not" for TV and radio). If the track's title didn't give it away, here's what Cam's getting at...

"My dick hard as a motherfucker/
You don't what? Tell that shit to another sucker/
I ain't no sucker, mama/
Come on, fuck the drama/
And kiss it down, lil' pucker-rama/
I'm so active, you being so drastic/
Got something for ya face, fuck Pro-Activ...

Lookin' light skinned, mami was tight slim/
Fat ass, big tits, I noticed her nice chin/
I approached her, slight grin, white Timbs/
Number you can type in, said she don't like men/
I just laughed, 'Ma, if we link, we link/
You don't like men? Me neither, what a coin-ci-dink'"

These bars give a good example of the yin and yang of Killa Cam. The lyrical skill is present, and I'd go as far as to say that Cam's persistence in trying to rhyme every bar with multiple syllables is comparable to Kool G Rap, one of the best that ever did it. But content-wise, there's nothing really redeeming about Cam trying to get some head, and possibly a menage-a-trois. [Granted, I've never been able to hook up the latter, so I guess I can't be positive.] The same can be said about "Get Ya Gun", which starts off with a female-narrated public service announcement about the dangers of guns, before Cam gets on the mic and challenges haters to, well, get their guns. On "Get 'Em Daddy (Remix)" f/ DipSet members Hell Rell, JR Writer & Jim Jones, Cam's closing verse is dedicated to the failed robbers who shot him up after failing to get him to hand over his blue Lambo ("I ain't see stars/ I'm a 'G', pa/ Threw the Lamb' in 6, drove to the ER" -- attempted murder for some, just another verse for Killa), and on his 2nd verse of "Girls, Cash, Cars", he delivers an important message about feminine hygiene. Tracks like these fall in line with Cam's obnoxious arrogance that "you gotta love".

However, it gets to the point where you might feel like you've heard all this before from Cam -- literally. Not counting the 2 singles "Suck It Or Not" and "Wet Wipes", there are 7 tracks on this album that have been previously released in some way, shape, or form. "War" f/ Hell Rell and "White Girls" were both on the commercially-released DipSet mixtape The Movement Moves On, which came out just last month. "Get 'Em Daddy (Remix)" and "Girls, Cash, Cars", both in the same vein of his classic "Get 'Em Girls", are also both mixtape fodder that are at least 6 months old. Since these are quality songs, it doesn't affect the album all that much, but the other previously-released tracks are switched up in ways that make them pale in comparison to their original versions. The aforementioned Jay-Z diss record "You Gotta Love It" f/ Max B is here in its 6-minute entirety, but there's some added high-pitched sound in the beat that makes it tough to listen to. "Do Your Thing (Remix)" changes the original's beat entirely, taking what could've been a nice track for the summertime and turning it into skippable material. Lastly, the original version of "Something New" had Cam and R&B crooner Jaheim trading verses over a beat sampling Bobby and James Purify's "I'm Your Puppet", making something old truly sound like "something new" -- but with the album's version replacing Jaheim's parts with rhymes from Hell Rell, it comes off more like a mixtape freestyle. Cam is certainly aware of the cult-like following that his Diplomat crew has garnered, and judging from how much skrill he pulls in off of mixtape sales alone, he must also know that his fans are likely to hear most everything he releases in between albums. Furthermore, if he's so willing to include old songs on a new album, he definitely messed up by not including "It's Nothin'" f/ Juelz Santana, which could've been the best song on this album.

The newer material on Killa Season is pretty much what you'd expect from a Cam'ron album. Songs like "Leave You Alone" and "Triple Up" f/ 40 Cal feature dramatic production and witty lyrics ("For 45 hundred I will John Doe you/ Ya moms won't know you") that are more about blowing out brains than blowing minds. Cam has carved out a niche for making such tracks, so much so that the tracks that stray away from this formula are the ones that bring down the album. "I.B.S." is about Cam's ordeals as a youth with irritable bowel syndrome, and while Cam deserves applause for putting such a personal subject out in the open, the song itself loses interest quickly. The album's closer "Love My Life" sees Cam reminiscing over the dead, but the singing in the chorus is not easy on the ears; and on the topic of bad singing, "He Tried To Play Me" features a pretty good verse from Cam, if you can get through the 1st minute-and-a-half.

Considering the high expectations put on this album, be it the months of promotion or the straight-to-DVD movie of the same title, it's debateable whether or not Killa Season meets them. Datedness and bad singing plague a handful of tracks, making it difficult to classify the overall quality of the album as anything greater than "decent" -- it's nowhere near Purple Haze, and not quite as good as '02's Come Home With Me, which introduced the world to Cam's Diplomat movement that is still going strong. In the end, it's not going to win Cam any new fans, but it will satisfy those familiar with the Dips until the next time Cam and his crew flood the market with new music.

Randomness

2006-05-12T19:40:00.000-07:00

[Back when I used to blah blah blah, things were simpler; I limited most topics to 1 paragraph and then talked about something completely different right after, most of the time with no transition whatsoever. For the sake of sweet, sweet simplicity, I'm about to try that again right now.]

This Sunday is Mother's Day, so don't forget to tell your mom you love her. And if you don't want to say it for the sake of the holiday, at least say it for that one time, back in sophomore year of high school, when she helped you bury that body in the backyard. Remember how supportive she was of you that day? You felt like you were the only person in the world to have ever gotten the brake pedal confused with the gas pedal on your 1st day learning to drive, but she was right there to tell you that everything was all right, and how many people she ran over back when she was your age. So, remember, Sunday is her day -- tell her how much she means to you. Murderer.

Think that was low? It wasn't -- this is. And if the tidbit in there about "the nation's largest strip club" is in fact referring to the Sapphire in Las Vegas, then that means that I've gotten lap dances at the same place as... well, just click that 1st link.

Now that I've have some time to think, next season's Lakers won't actually be this season's Knicks. I had a lot of emotions running through at the time I made that post -- anger, concern, disappointment, just-lost-thirty-dollars-ness -- but reading through Lamar Odom's season-ending press conference, as well as some words from ex-Laker Mark Madsen, has given me some encouragement. I'm happy to see that they haven't gotten over the Game 7 travesty just yet, but I'm confident that they can put it behind them soon enough. In retrospect, they did make the playoffs with a rather-questionable roster, and they pushed the 2nd best team in the Western Conference to a 7-game series (and kudos to the Suns for showing that they too can get thrashed in an important playoff game). For this progress to continue, a few things basically need to happen:

Kobe has shown that he can take over games single-handedly as well as successfully play team basketball, now it just comes down to learning the game situations where each style is most appropriate.
Odom needs to develop a most consistent jump shot, which he sounds very positive about doing.
Kwame needs to start off next season like how he finished this season, being more assertive offensively and more comfortable with the ball. Also, he has to realize that everybody has a poor game every now and then (probably more often for Kwame) -- the way he was pounding his fist in anger after every missed baby hook shot in Game 7 showed that he was letting it get to him, so it was no surprise that he'd always miss the next one and the Suns would take advantage.
Luke has to establish some sort of offensive weapon, be it a mid-range jumper or a drive to the basket -- he's shown signs of both, but never consistently.
Rony Turiaf needs to lose a few pounds -- he's shown potential to become a high energy big man off the bench, but considering his heart problems in the offseason, he was clearly out of shape.
Andrew Bynum needs more playing time, assuming he can do more stuff like this. On his now-defunct MySpace page from back in his high school days, he said he doesn't drink or smoke (though he also said he'd like to become an "ontrapanure", or some other crude misspelling of the word), so he must be focused; that coupled with learning from Kareem Abdul-Jabbar must mean good things.
A point guard is acquired who can play at least moderate defense, hit open jumpers and occasionally create his own shot. The Lakers could trade Chris Mihm or any combination of current Lakers not previously mentioned for one (Mike James, Chris Duhon), and/or test the free agent market (Speedy Claxton, Bobby Jackson, Marcus Banks, Sam Cassell as a long shot), and/or land one in the draft (with the team's #26 pick, UCLA's Jordan Farmar, Illinois' Dee Brown, and Florida's Guillermo Diaz could be available... no, not that Guillermo Diaz).
Oh, and throw a nice farewell party for free agent Devean George. Of all the Dynasty-era Lakers that have since departed, he'll be one of the most missed. Might I suggest a marble cake?

On the topic of farewells, today was my last day of work at the Alternative Copy Shop in Isla Vista. With the coming month presenting my college graudation, my current lease ending, my last quarter of finals, and Extravaganza next Sunday (E-40! Pharcyde! For FREE!), I figured it'd be best to take my leave now. I'm pleased to say that I resigned on a high note, though I'm hopeful I could convince them to say they laid me off so I could collect unemployment for the next few weeks. I'll miss a lot about this job that I've held for close to 2 and a half years (damn!) -- the friendly staff, close to home, the "people watching" element, hooking up friends with free copies/readers, steady hours, paychecks, and so on. But the one thing I'll probably miss the most, which I won't miss any immediate time soon, is dealing with customers. Sometimes there would be instances that were funny, sometimes they'd be aggravating (those tended to be the funniest), but plenty were memorable. I could go on for hours reminiscing about the local dirty crazy bearded vegetarian who made massive amounts of copies of his hand-written non-sensical theories of why carnivores are the devil and handed them out to people outside (did you know he really likes ketchup... straight from the bottle?), the number of students who became irate when we didn't have their readers ready and proceeded to verbally tear us new assholes despite providing us with their name, phone number, and a class that they're enrolled in (not that I did anything with that info), or the number of people who complained about our insane overcharging, such as 7-cent copies or the additional 50 cents for using a credit card when their total is under $5. And sure enough, my last day was not without an instant classic: this cute brunette comes in, white, petite, soft-spoken, needing to send a fax, when she gets a phone call
and her ring tone goes off -- Everyday I'm hustl-in', ev-everyday I'm hustl-in'...

Tricks are for kids

2006-05-09T14:44:00.000-07:00

Silly rabbit.

I hate to admit this, but...

2006-05-07T19:04:00.000-07:00

Next year's Lakers could very well be this year's Knicks. Allow me to introduce them...

At 6'6", from Lower Merion High School, #8 -- Kobe Bryant

a.k.a. Stephon Marbury -- The scoring guard who fluctuates between involving his teammates and jacking up shots like night and day (or like regular season and playoffs). They're worth a lot of money and make a lot of nice quotes for the local newspapers, might give themselves a catchy nickname (like "Starbury" or "Black Mamba"), but the fact that they can never fully trust their teammates clearly affects their ability to win.

... at 6'10", from Rhode Island, #7 -- Lamar Odom

a.k.a. Channing Frye -- The big man who is prone to play really well, either driving to the basket for tough lay-ups (more so Odom) or hitting jumpers (more so Frye). Both are blessed with a great combination of size, speed and power, being able to dominate games at times. When one considers that a trade or 2 is necessary for the team to improve, and also that in order to acquire a good player you need to give up a good player as well, it leads to the touchy subject of whether or not they are in fact tradeable (though their days are easily numbered if Kevin Garnett is in the equation).

... at 6'4", from Fordham, #1 -- Smush Parker

a.k.a. Steve Francis -- Can dunk the FUCK out of the ball when they get the opportunity, but the only thing they do consistently is be inconsistent. Both streaky shooters, likely to average 15 points per game by getting 3 and 18 points a game each consecutively. [Now, clearly not all of these comparisons are accurate in regards to talent, as Kobe is much better than Marbury, maybe to the level that Francis is better than Smush. But I'm merely making comparable observations between each, and I think that the discrepancies in talent pretty much cancel each other out in the end.]

... at 6'10", from Glynn Academy High School, #54 -- Kwame Brown

a.k.a. Eddy Curry -- The big man with a "Butterfinger's" problem, except while Eddy eats them, Kwame has them. They can make free throws and score in the post, but never simultaneously. Both skipped college and likely regret everything about that decision except that they're rich (how nice it must be to stand at nearly 7 feet tall). To be fair, Eddy's passing game makes Kwame look like John Stockton.

... at 6'8", from Augsburg [WHERE?], #3 -- Devean George

a.k.a. Quentin Richardson -- The stocky swingman who'll pull off a 1-handed rebound or a highlight dunk (see above) every now and then to make it look like they're worth more than they really are. They'll make a lot of jumpers, when they're not missing a lot of jumpers. Both also have impressive ties to the world of urban music -- Richardson used to date Brandy, and George looks like Ice Cube.

... at 6'8", from Arizona, #4 -- Luke Walton

a.k.a. Jalen Rose -- Like Kwame and Eddy, can have a good inside game or a good outside game but never on the same night. Both deceivingly good ball-handlers and passers, but the speed at which they move on the court makes it look like they blaze fat in between quarters. [Not too many pics of Jalen in his Knicks uni, considering he's only spent about half a season there. But honestly, I stopped looking once I found a pic of him when he was drafted. Killer suit.]

... at 6'10", from Gonzaga, #21 -- Ronny Turiaf

a.k.a. David Lee -- The energetic rookie forward who rarely plays, but when they do, you appreciate their effort. They seem very excited when they're on the bench. Both have also had to overcome difficult obstacles to make their team's roster -- Turiaf had open heart surgery right before the season started, and David Lee is white.

... at 7'0", from St. Joseph High School, #17 -- Andrew Bynum

a.k.a. Jackie Butler -- The young center that the team hopes can be a future star, but are too scared to actually put on the court.

... at 6'7", from Slovenia, #18 -- Sasha Vujacic

a.k.a. Jamal Crawford -- Being youthful and quick on their feet is the only thing that keeps them mediocre at defense. Both like to shoot a lot, only Jamal shoots a lot a lot more (in part because he's more dependable than Sasha, but also because he's like to shoot a lot... a lot). Both approximately 6'6" and 120 pounds.

... at 6'9", from Illinois, #43 -- Brian Cook

a.k.a. Maurice Taylor -- The big man who can shoot. Cook has the advantage of being able to hit from beyond 3-point range, and Taylor has the advantage of being able to at least make it look like he tries on defense.

... at 6'6", from Ohio State, #24 -- Jim Jackson
... and at 6'5", from Temple, #2 -- Aaron McKie

a.k.a. Qyntel Woods and Jerome James -- All four are basically interchangeable with regards to value. Except for James, all are recently out-of-work NBA players who are happy to be getting paid to mostly watch live games courtside, and dress just like the other players as well. Meanwhile, James has the uncanny ability to con teams into giving him a lot of money, as well as to show up to practice hungover on New Year's Day.

[I'm admittedly reaching on these next 2, but it's solely for the sake of completing the analogy. I'm not about to mail in my effort just because I'm almost done... ahem**Game 7**ahem.]

... at 7'0", from Texas, #31 -- Chris Mihm

a.k.a. Malik Rose -- Tall players (though Mihm is much taller) with a good all-around offensive game, hustle on the court but are foul-prone. Both also prone to injury, though Rose gets the ones where he'll have to miss a couple games at a time, and Mihm gets the ones where he has to miss a couple weeks at a time.

... at 6'5", from Florida State, #23 -- Von Wafer
... and at 6'7", from Hampton, #11 -- Devin Green

a.k.a. Nate Robinson -- All three are guards with their size not to their advantage -- Nate is too short and De-Von are/is not tall enough to guard the 2 and too slow to guard the 1. Main differences are that Nate got playing time, is probably much better than the 2 Lakers at hand, and won a dunk contest he didn't deserve.

... and the team's head coach -- Phil Jackson

a.k.a. Larry Brown -- The big-name coach who in not in good health, and is surely stressed out from watching his team play inconsistently all season. They've both been demoted to "crazy old man" status, based on Jackson's inability to call time-outs when he sees his team painfully struggling, and Brown's insane line-up changes, to the tune of at least 60 different starting line-ups this season alone. Both have championship rings which enable them to demand, and earn, a lot of money, but are so used to having good players that they get confused when they see bad players on their team and refuse to take any of the blame for the team's shortcomings. The "I'm too embarrassed to get out of my chair" look is a future trademark.

... and finally, [hey, why not?] the team's General Manager -- Mitch Kupchak

a.k.a. Isiah Thomas -- Both have made regrettable trades in their years -- Kupchak traded away Shaq, Thomas traded for Francis. This isn't exactly similar, but while Kupchak is a bad GM following a great GM (Jerry West), Thomas is a bad GM following another bad GM (Scott Layden). Kupchak's situation is worse because he is making a recently-great franchise look bad, but to make up for it, Thomas has this Knicks' fiasco to add to his resume, right next to "destroying the CBA".

Now, there are a couple of notable differences between the 2 teams. 1st, the Lakers are nowhere near being the financial minefield that the Knicks have become, but they will be over the cap for 2 more seasons nonetheless, meaning that the Lakers won't be able to sign a high-quality free agent until Phil's last year under contract as their coach -- that's why I'm assuming that next season's roster will mostly be the same (the only current Lakers not under contract for next season are George, Green and Jackson), unless Kupchak does a massive overhaul, in which case it'll be completely different. 2nd, the mere presence of Kobe Bryant makes the Lakers a playoff possibility every season, but just as the Knicks' past few seasons have ended embarrassingly, the Lakers' seasons tend to as well, as the games that have eliminated the Lakers from their past 3 playoff appearances have been lost by an average of 24 points(!).

Why work so hard throughout an entire season if you plan to put forth your worst effort when it counts the most? Why doesn't Kobe Bryant understand that being his team's leader doesn't mean taking every shot, but involving his teammates doesn't mean shooting only THREE times in an entire half? Why doesn't Phil Jackson show a little emotion while watching his team get dismantled? To answer all 3 questions -- I don't know, I don't know, and I don't know. And it hurts to try to think about the answers. All I know is that singling out the faults of every player, the coach, and the GM of my favorite team has helped me through the grieving... and so has being able to make fun of the Knicks at the same time. That's always fun.

Mobb Deep - Blood Money

2006-05-06T12:30:00.000-07:00

If Jay-Z has anyone in particular to thank for his meteoric rise to the top of rap music, other than all of the people he's bit lyrics from (JUST KIDDING!), it'd have to be Prodigy from Mobb Deep. Ever since the infamous "Summer Jam Screen" incident in '01, the two rappers' careers have taken turns in completely opposite directions, with Jay earning a reputation as a career-ender, and P being his most impressive victory.

Looking back, it's difficult to believe such a drastic turn could take place for Prodigy and his partner-in-rhyme, Havoc. The Queens-bred duo are responsible for two of the best rap albums to come out of New York in the '90s, with '95's classic The Infamous and '96's underrated Hell On Earth. Prodigy's performance on "Quiet Storm" from '99's Murda Muzik earned the group numerous nominations at the following year's Source Awards and tons of radio and TV airplay, despite the song's dark mood and lyrics. At this time, one could make the argument that P was on pace to leave a greater legacy in hip hop than Jay. Then, in an interview in '00, prior to the release of his solo debut H.N.I.C., Prodigy didn't necessarily "call out" Jay, but said that he had been "quiet like a bitch" during the mid-'90's East coast/West coast rap feud, which is fairly true. [Mobb Deep, on the other hand, released "L.A., L.A." with Capone-N-Noreaga in response to the Dogg Pound's "New York, New York", and took shots at 2Pac on "Drop A Gem On 'Em" off of Hell On Earth.] Jay shot back at Summer Jam '01 by debuting "Takeover", his diss record to Prodigy as well as Nas, and that coupled with the images of a 6 year-old Prodigy posing for the camera in tassles were a major blow to P's credibility.

But worst of all, Prodigy let his insecurities following the Summer Jam incident show in his music, and as a result, the quality of Mobb Deep's future releases was nowhere near that of their prior work. On '01's Infamy, P sounded like a beaten man, his voice a few octaves lower and his lyrics lackluster, with far too many obvious subliminals thrown at Jay, each one more uninspired than the last. It appeared as if either Jay wasn't lying in calling out Prodigy's "realness", or P wasted all of his good rhymes on his solo album. While he seemed to have regained some energy on '04's Amerikaz Nightmare, the album failed to generate many sales. So, as Jay becomes President of Def Jam and goes on vacations with Beyonce, Mobb Deep bounces from one record label to the next trying to get their careers back in order. It got to the point that 50 Cent, on his attempt-to-generate-controversy "Piggy Bank", told rival Jadakiss that he'd do him in "like Jay did Mobb Deep".

So, is it any surprise that Mobb Deep's latest effort is coming out on 50's G-Unit Records? Not really, considering that the aforementioned "Piggy Bank" lyric was the only thing they could hold against 50, who stood out as the only reputable artist willing to bring them in to his camp. Furthermore, with a feature film to his name and millions upon millions of records sold, an invitation into 50's G-Unit clique would be hard for a struggling hip hop outfit to turn down. Shit, I wouldn't mind being publicly called out by my future boss if a Ferrari came with it. Mobb Deep took the path of least resistance, and this month, their G-Unit debut, Blood Money, was released. With the most marketable face in hip hop behind them, it seemed to be an easy win for Havoc and Prodigy, but judging by the efforts they put forth on this album, they might have thought it to be a little too easy.

The album opens strongly with "Smoke It" and the lead single "Put 'Em In Their Place", two tracks with pounding production and strong choruses that find Hav and P on top of their game. But it's in the closing ad-libs of the latter track that the listener hears what's to follow -- Prodigy refers to his partner as "Hollywood Hav", himself as "V.I.P." and 50 Cent as "Curtis 'million-dollar budget' Jackson... the one that made us rich... filthy-rotten rich". Well, there goes the hope of money not changing an artist. It's clearly changed Prodigy... again. After having sounded more like his old self on their last album, he's back to his mush-mouthed lesser-talented alter ego on Blood Money, sounding lazy and hardly rhyming his verses. As Phonte of North Carolina-based hip hop group Little Brother points out here in his critique of the album, one of P's strengths back in his heyday was his ability to start his verses so powerfully. On "Creep" f/ 50 Cent, if you can get past the horrible beat, here are the opening lines you'll hear from "V.I.P.":

"You ask me, all these rappers is bums/
Hav showed me the flow and I ran with it, dun/
I mean really, y'all gotta be the most worst/
Rap shit I ever heard compared to P's verse/
We emerge on the scene, everything seen/
Stop... watch, it's very bling bling/
N---a wanna swing swing, very much so/
But once we get in the air? That's a rap, bro"

"Most worst"? "Very bling bling"? "Bro"? P's outdated slang and nonsensical babble put a lot of pressure on Havoc's shoulders to carry this album, and while he has the ability to come off strong at times, it proves to be too big of a task. And there's nothing that either of them can do to save "Backstage Pass", the typical groupie song, and tracks plagued with boring production like "Stole Something" f/ Lloyd Banks, "Daydreamin'", and "The Infamous" f/ 50 Cent (on which P claims that he "ran trains on the girls at his family's dance school" -- damn, still not over the Summer Jam pictures, I guess).

One of the album's better songs is "Pearly Gates" f/ 50 Cent, a creative track on which the 3 discuss how they'd have to talk their way into heaven -- 50 steals the show, but P's verse is bound to get attention for his comments about having beef with God and wanting to beat Jesus, which are edited out of the album's retail version (I guess the phrase "religious bullshit" would offend some people). Also worth noting is "Give It To Me" f/ Young Buck, a nice party track, "Click Click", which features a surprisingly impressive guest verse from Tony Yayo, and "In Love With The Moula", which is as poignant as a song about money can get.

The inclusion of 50's "Outta Control (Remix)", the Mobb's 1st official G-Unit song, and "Have A Party" f/ 50 & Nate Dogg as bonus tracks should spell out their quest for record sales, as both were previously included on platinum-selling albums. It's also quite deceiving, considering that the album boasts production from Dr. Dre, and the only Dre-produced track is the aforementioned "Outta Control (Remix)". I'll admit that I'm being a bit hard on this album, as it'd be considered a good album for an unknown, up-and-coming hip hop group. But considering the trials and tribulations that Mobb Deep have encountered in their 10+ years in the industry, one would hope that being handed an opportunity to work with 50 Cent and re-establish themselves as the powerhouse they once were would motivate them to really focus on making the best album they could; but, if Blood Money is truly the best that Mobb Deep can do, then 50 might want to investigate what that million-dollar budget is being used for.

White people can't dance

2006-05-05T10:25:00.000-07:00

Especially in front of black people.

I've been too focused on midterms and the Lakers series this week to say much, but I'm sure I'll have plenty to say after Saturday, for better (please) or worse (NO!).

... but biting lyrics ain't one

2006-04-28T10:38:00.000-07:00

With Pimp C finally out of prison and Bun B continuing to pop up on any and everybody's songs, UGK (Underground Kings -- the Texas-based hip hop duo the two are better known as) is back and trying to reestablish their place in the world of rap music that has been without them for about half a decade. Thus far, the two have appeared together on E-40's "White Gurl", T.I.'s "Front Back" (which is actually a remake of a UGK original), and the remix to Bun B's "Get Throwed", with the videos for the latter 2 getting respectable MTV airplay.

It's safe to say that UGK's name hasn't been this hot since they appeared on "Big Pimpin'" back in '99, and before then, it hadn't been hot at all, at least not on a national level. Their highly-touted '96 release Ridin' Dirty went gold with no promotion or radio/video singles, but solely off of their local fanbase and cult following -- Jay-Z is quoted as saying that he himself copped it some 10-11 times, and it was this album that inspired him to reach out to them to do a track together. I recently obtained a copy of Ridin' Dirty myself, and can agree with the 500,000+ folks that bought it that it is indeed an above-average hip hop album. I can also agree that Jay-Z must definitely be a big fan of the album, mainly after I got to track 7, "Touched". Check out the 1st 4 bars of Bun's verse and I think you'll see why...

"Now once upon a time not too long ago/
A n---a like myself had to strong arm a ho/
Now this is not a ho in the sense of havin' a pussy/
But a pussy havin' no goddamned sense, tryin' to push me"

Sound familiar? Like that one song about how many problems Jay's got? There was a 6-minute MP3 floating around the internet a while ago called "I'm A Biter, Not A Writer", which played various rhymes by Jay, followed by similar (sometimes the exact same) lyrics being rapped by other, older rappers (i.e. Biggie, Slick Rick, Snoop). Obviously an attempt to discredit Jay's rapping ability, it didn't convince me -- for one thing, you could probably cut and paste 6 minutes of anybody's musical career and make them appear to be lesser than they truly are, and furthermore, 10 years of quality albums goes a lot farther than 6 minutes of jacked rhymes.

Even more so, a lot of the times that Jay has used other people's lyrics, he hasn't really tried to fool anyone. For example, on The Blueprint, where he put "He is I and I am him, slim with the tilited brim" into one of his choruses, I'm sure the majority of listeners recalled Snoop Dogg's "What's My Name". Clearly, Jay wasn't trying to fool anyone into thinking he came up with it -- it was a classic line in hip hop music, in a sense it was more a way of Jay paying homage than jacking lyrics.

But in the situation at hand, it's quite different than that. Jay took 4 bars (which is kind of a lot) from a non-commercially-released song, off of a little-known album that has rarely been heard outside of the South, and tried to sell it off as his own on one of his hit singles, possibly his best-known song to date. Now, I'm not about to take away anything positive I've said about Jay in the past, as he still makes better songs than the majority of rappers out today, even if along the way he may steal a line or 2... or 4. But I do feel a bit slighted by this, not that Jay owes me something or anything (ahem**stake in the Nets**ahem). I'm just saying that if he could take 4 bars off of an album that isn't really recognized outside of the greater-Houston, Texas area and go largely unnoticed, who's to say that he hasn't done the same for albums in other cities? All I know is, once me and my crew from Studio City get our demo out, I know who I'm not passing one off to.

Oh, how the once mighty have fallen

2006-04-25T12:55:00.000-07:00

There was a time when Denise Richards was one of the hottest actresses in Hollywood, if not thee hottest. I recall this time rather vividly because, to me, it didn't seem like it was that long ago. It felt like just yesterday when she co-starred in Wild Things, playing a disturbed and rich (great combo) high school student getting her white t-shirt soaked while washing Matt Dillon's car and making out with Neve Campbell topless in a swimming pool. Or in The World Is Not Enough, the otherwise-lackluster Bond flick where she played the always-desired role of 'Bond girl' to sexy perfection -- persexion, if you will. Or in any of the other film and TV work she's done, where she brought back memories of making out with Neve Campbell topless in a swimming pool. She was still the shit when she married Charlie Sheen, which, at the time, had actually done more to bring Sheen's public image back to normalcy (of course, things change), rather than bring her own image down. Unfortunately, marriage eventually brings down even the prettiest of famous women.

Turns out that nowadays, Denise Richards is no longer making out with other attractive young actresses. Instead, she's making out with Richie Sambora. That's right, the guitar player for Bon Jovi; I almost typed "ex-guitar player" until I remembered that Bon Jovi inexplicably still has a career.

My initial reaction to this, following me hitting the floor and curling into fetal position, was, "Isn't Richie Sambora like 45 or something?" Turns out he's 46, so I guess I was actually being courteous. Then, I had to ask myself, for lack of not having anyone else around to ask, "What does a pretty young thing like her find in a fossil like him?" That is, besides the obvious fact that the only thing sexier than an aged rock star is an aged rock star with a cast on his arm. Then I read Denise Richards' age -- 35. THIRTY-FIVE! If I'm the only shocked by this, I'll stop, but I assume I'm not, so I'll continue.

This means that since Wild Things came out in '98, Denise Richards was either 27 or 28 in that movie playing a high school student. Looking back on it, I feel like I've been deceived, but I can't really place blame on anyone for it. After all, Hollywood has been doing shit like this for years -- matter of fact, I'm more than convinced that the main dude on "The O.C." with the brown hair is pushing 40. So, not 10 years after she won over men of all ages by showing off both her boobs and her lesbian tendencies, Denise Richards is now on the bad end of her 30s, soon-to-be a mother of 2, dating a has-been, and has an ex-husband who wants to kill her when he's not looking for kiddie porn.

Fallen, indeed.

I'm pointing at you because I don't respect you

2006-04-19T15:11:00.000-07:00

Here's a clip of the infamous "Lister Blister" that I alluded to in #17 of my previous extra-extra-large basketball post. Credit is due to my homie Alex for finding it, as well as for sparking off a debate between he and myself over whether Shawn Kemp can make it back to the league. Now, I'm a huge Kemp fan, and only make cracks about him (pun intended) out of love and admiration of his legend.

However, it's also out of this love and admiration that I don't want to see him in the league anymore. All good things must come to an end -- it's an undeniable truth that we all must deal with. Kemp might have lost a good amount of weight (or so he says), but he's been out of the league for 2+ years and has got to be on the deep end of his 30s. The Mavericks had actually been in close contact with Kemp recently after appealing to the NBA to be able to sign an extra 16th player (rosters are limited to 15) due to having 4 players injured, but when the league denied their appeal, so too did they deny Kemp his chance. I believe that the buzz will die down about Kemp wanting to come back before the start of next season, when he'll only be a year older and rustier.

Furthermore, if Kemp had really wanted to come back, why publicize it so much? Contact teams, not newspapers. If the comeback fails to happen (and all signs point to that being the case), you'll only end up more disappointed. I remember former Slam Dunk champ Isaiah Rider publicizing his desire to return to the league, crying his eyes out to John Thompson on TNT about how he had matured and put his troubled past behind -- he never did make it back to the league, and then this happened (and leave it to ESPN to outline all of his past crimes just for good measure).

So, while I applaud Kemp for his effort, I, much like the rest of the league, seem to agree that it's too little, too late. But I don't think he should be too disappointed -- losing a lot of his weight at least means that he'll live longer.

My longest post ever...

2006-04-18T18:33:00.000-07:00

... and it's all about BASKETBALL!!! So, now that probably half of you have stopped reading, I'll continue on...

I could go on for a while discussing the accolades earned by SLAM, the premier basketball magazine in the world, but they have an oft-updated website that should solidify their reputation and stand as a fresh alternative to the Sports Illustrated's and ESPN's of the sports media world. More casual chatter, more attention to fanmail, more willing to admit their mistakes, more subtle hip hop references, and you can appreciate the contributors' positions as fans over journalists. Anyways, they've been doin' it since '94 and are coming up on their 100th issue, for which they put together a survey of 30 open-response questions for their readers to answer. The last day to do so is April 21st -- sorry, but I'm a chronic procrastinator (that rhymes with something else, I know). Case in point, I waited until the 2nd pass time to reserve my place in a graduation ceremony in June, and wasn't able to get a spot in the 9:00 a.m. ceremony that was for my major, but had to settle for the 1:00 p.m. ceremony which is actually better because, well, it's not at 9 in the morning. Also, it's 2 weeks into this quarter and I haven't opened books for 2 of my 3 classes, though I've done quite a bit of reading for the 1 other class I'm taking. Oh, and I totally lost my train of thought with the original point I was making, which was...

Oh yea, SLAM's 100th issue. Anyways, they ask readers to provide only answers to the questions -- no explanations, commentary, runners-up, etc. Well, that just doesn't do it for me, so I figured I'll play by their rules for the e-mail I send them with my answers, and go off on many a tangents here. Enjoy:

1. What's the best all-time SLAM cover?

Ahhh, the memories. Back when Shaq and Kobe got along, or at least could fake it well enough to keep it from being an issue. I'm guessing it'll be quite a while before a 2-man combination can win 3 straight, considering that all of this year's contenders have either a rock-solid 5 man starting lineup or 2 former All-Stars coming off the bench. Other notables are the 3-part cover for #50, and AI rocking the 'fro on #32 (complete with a Ras Kass via Eldrigde Cleaver reference in the title).

2. What's the worst all-time SLAM cover?

Ugh, the memories. I dislike very few players more than Karl Malone, and I spent all of the '03-'04 season trying to deal with the fact that he would spend what would be his worse statistical year with my favorite team. And as for that unfinished business... it'll be forever unfinished. SLAM's worst covers typically deal with them making outlandish attention-getting predictions that fail to come to fruition, so it's worth mentioning their claim that the Nets would be "Champs by 2001" [although they did make 2 Finals appearances, only 1 of the 5 in that picture was there for both, and Keith Van Horn was unceremoniously kicked out after the 1st loss... oh, and Jayson Williams killed his limo driver], as well as their predictions for T-Mac and Stevie Franchise for their new teams in '04 [Francis has since been traded and the Magic are doing better without him, while T-Mac's back is the equivalent of Bob Barker's].

3. Who's the most-deserving player of the SLAM era never to appear on a cover (retired)?

David Robinson. John Stockton deserves mentioning too, but he was always a bit too much of a square bear for SLAM's flavor. [And soon, Greg Ostertag.]

4. Who's the most-deserving player of the SLAM era never to appear on a cover (still active)?

Pau Gasol. A former Rookie Of The Year, he's played his whole career with one team, led them to the playoffs for the soon-to-be 3rd straight time, improved noticeably every year (he leads Memphis in points, rebounds, AND assists this season), and has even grown out a trademark hair-and-beard combo. What more does one need? SLAM wouldn't even need to do a photo shoot; just use this one right here.

Handsome fella. Also worth mentioning, Gilbert Arenas, Michael Redd and Chris Paul (who's bound to get a few covers in the not-so-distant future).

5. Who's the least-deserving player ever to appear on a SLAM cover?

Darius Miles. He managed to slip on #57 with Lamar Odom and Elton Brand, back when the Clippers previously had potential. Since then, while Odom and Brand have played sizeable roles on playoff teams (soon to be the case for Brand), Miles is the scapegoat for most of Portland's problems, falling out with any coach they bring in (that is, when he's not making bad movies). Also worth mentioning are current Knicks' teammates Stephon Marbury and Steve Francis, who probably deserved covers at some points in their current careers, but a combined SEVEN between them! I'll pass on that.

6. Who's the best NBA player of the SLAM era?

Michael Jordan.

7. Who's your favorite NBA player of the SLAM era?

Kobe Bryant.

8. Who's your least-favorite NBA player of the SLAM era?

Alonzo Mourning. I can appreciate his ability to return from his kidney problems, but that's all I can appreciate about him. He signed a 4-year/$20 million contract with New Jersey, played less than half of his 1st year, and had the nerve to criticize their front-office's decision-making; I'd say everybody BUT 'Zo could criticize 'em. He got traded to Toronto and refused to show up, sparking a much-needed rule change in the NBA regarding disgruntled players being traded. He now plays for Miami, coming off the bench behind Shaq, where he has the best opportunity of his career to win a title, an opportunity which he got by bitching, whining, and making money. Think your job sucks? Well, 'Zo would agree.

9. What's the best NBA team of the SLAM era (specific year)?

The '95-'96 Bulls, who went 72-10 en route to a championship, the 1st of a 3-peat. Honorable mention to the '99-'00 Lakers, who went 67-15 en route to a championship, also the 1st of a 3-peat.

10. What's the worst NBA team of the SLAM era (specific year)?

The '01-'02 Bulls, who went 15-67 and, instead of trying to build on the foundation they had (which included Elton Brand, Ron Artest and Brad Miller), imploded and set back their progress by more years than necessary. Fortunately, ex-Bull and current GM John Paxson stepped in and was able to fix the mess rather quickly. Dishonorable mention to the '94-'95 Clippers, who went 17-65 despite the treacherous trio of Loy Vaught, Pooh Richardson, and the original overweight NBA player/closet coke fiend Stanley Roberts (where you at, Shawn Kemp?).

11. Who's the best NBA coach of the SLAM era?

Phil Jackson.

12. What's the most memorable shot of the SLAM era?

Michael Jordan's game-winning shot vs. Utah in '97-'98, to win Game 6 and a 3rd straight championship. It's pretty much accepted that he pushed off Bryon Russell to get that shot off, but you know what... he's Michael fuckin' Jordan. Deal with it.

13. What's the best fight of the SLAM era?

Ron Artest vs. Ben Wallace and the entire city of Detroit in '04. All other NBA fights ceased to exist after that, though I have faint memories of PJ Brown bodyslamming Chris Childs into cameras, Larry Johnson and Alonzo Mourning going face-to-face while Jeff Van Gundy grabbed on to 'Zo's legs and got dragged around like a mop, Dennis Rodman going after various dude's nuts, and Rick Fox and Doug Christie's girlfight.

14. Who's the most gangsta player of the SLAM era?

Rasheed Wallace. Honorable mention to Iverson.

15. Who's the least gangsta player of the SLAM era?

Tim Duncan. Honorable mention to Karl Malone (gangsters don't wear cowboy hats... except on Halloween).

16. Who's the best dunker of the SLAM era?

Vince Carter. I'm still kind of unsure as to when the SLAM era starts in conjunction with my hazy memory of mid-'90s basketball, so Shawn Kemp might deserve this as well, but Carter's performance in the '00 Dunk Contest was the most amazing singular display of dunking ability. Jason Richardson also gets a mentioning for the off-the-glass-between-the-legs dunk.

17. What's the best Slamadamonth we've ever run?

Amare Stoudemire over Michael Olowokandi sometime in '02 (it's towards the end of that link, it gets replayed like 4 times). I have to admit to not being the most religious of SLAM readers over these years so I can't quite call out which dunks were in which issue, but this one was nasty. Also worth mentioning, Chris Webber over Charles Barkley (the very 1st SLAMadamonth, and the motivation behind Webber's TWO Nike commercials back in the day), Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen's dunks over Patrick Ewing (which may or may not have been pre-'94), and Shawn Kemp's "Lister Blister" over Alton Lister after which he pointed at him mockingly (which probably was pre-'94). Oh, and insert-person-who-can-dunk-here over Shawn Bradley -- that was a good 22.

18. Who's the best shooter of the SLAM era?

Ray Allen. When I hear the word "shooter" I automatically think of 3-pointers; otherwise I would've picked either Jordan or Kobe. Honorable mention to Dana Barros, who went 89 straight games with at least one 3-pointer (an NBA record) between '94 and '96.

19. Who's the best college player of the SLAM era?

Carmelo Anthony. Led Syracuse to the NCAA title as freshman, 'nuff said. In my eyes, he's the best college player to become a great NBA player, but there are plenty who have succeeded in the former but not the latter -- for that, I give honorable mention to Duke's Trajan Langdon (a.k.a. J.J. Redick, Sr.).

20. Who's the best women's player of the SLAM era?

Chamique Holdsclaw (1st name I could think of).

21. Who's the best high school player of the SLAM era?

Lebron James. Honorable mention to Sebastian Telfair.

22. Who's the best streetball player of the SLAM era?

Rafer Alston. I never really followed streetball, to me it was always the WWE equivalent of the pro game -- sure, it requires athleticism and talent, but there's pretty much no rules to it, and though it's not staged like wrestling, it might as well be since it's all about individual skill rather than wins and losses. So I guess I'll take Rafer since he's the only one to start out having a big black dude following him around with a microphone and/or bullhorn to graduate to the pro level.

23. Who's the biggest flop of the SLAM era?

Ron Mercer. Plenty of choices I could go with -- Michael Olowokandi and Joe Smith were both equally terrible #1 picks, but 'Kandi will stay in the league as long as he's 7 feet and can commit 6 fouls in a game, and Smith has made himself into a valuable role player at least. Kwame Brown and Darko Milicic both failed miserably with the teams that drafted them, but since being traded to new teams they've both showed signs of mediocrity and occasional impressiveness. But if I'm looking for a flop to represent an era, I want someone who isn't in the league anymore. I thought about Ed O'Bannon, but besides the inner-disappointment I'd have talking shit about an L.A. legend, he also was plagued with bum knees. Ron Mercer, on the other hand, was plagued with bum talent. Selected 6th in '97 by Boston and newly-hired coach Rick Pitino (also Mercer's college coach at Kentucky), he never regained the 3-point shooting touch that he showcased in his incredible performance in the '96 title game. One of the few athletes to be represented by Master P's ill-fated No Limit Management, Mercer was hyped up to be the "next Michael Jordan"... by No Limit, only.

24. What's your favorite shoe of the SLAM era (first release)?

Lebron's Air Zoom Generation. At least, the all-khaki, Timberland-looking ones he wore in the Rookie Game in '04.

25. What's your favorite shoe of the SLAM era (reissue)?

Air Jordan I. Not sure when exactly they were re-issued, but the ones with the patent leather were nice. I hold the Jordan I's extra close to my heart ever since my pair of blue-and-black originals were stolen. There are some terrible people out there, my friends... and not just those of us with blogs.

26. What's the best NBA uniform of the SLAM era (specific team and year)?

Lakers, pre-'97

Since the Lakers are my favorite team, the question might as well have been, "What's the best Laker uniform of the SLAM era?" I'm still not too big on the V-neck jerseys and the color stripe along the sides; I'm all about the round neck and the big white shadow around the numbers. Basically, the key to a good jersey is keeping it simple -- the name of either the city OR the team on the front (never both) and 2 main colors with a 3rd color as needed for the lining, and a logo on the shorts if possible. The Jordan-era Bulls and Ewing-era Knicks had it right (I'm not down with having the logo on the upper back of the jersey, either), and the Celtics, Spurs and Nets have always been good about it.

27. What's the worst NBA uniform of the SLAM era (specific team and year)?

Hawks, '95-'99

The formula for a bad jersey is two-fold -- having too many colors, and, if the team is named after an animal, having an image of that animal on the jersey. The design of these Hawks uniforms would look more fitting on a spandex unitard for a pro wrestler (with a "hawk" gimmick, obviously), maybe with some matching facepaint or a lucha libre mask, and no basketball within his talons either (that is, unless it were a "basketball-playing hawk" gimmick... hmmm, has that been done yet?). Other jerseys that fall under this category but don't pull it off quite as godawfully as the Hawks are: the Vancouver Grizzlies during their expansion year of '95, who wore teal road jerseys that were, to be politically correct, mad homo; the fellow-expansion Toronto Raptors of the same year, whose jerseys offered a purple dinosaur that might as well have been spewing songs about love and sharing; and the Detroit Seahorses, er, I mean, Pistons of '96-'01. Honorable mention to the Charlotte Bobcats -- jeez, can an expansion team get a decent jersey for once?

28. Who's got the worst hair of the SLAM era?

Peja Stojakovic. Chris Kaman would be the easy pick, and granted his hair is disgusting, but I can recall a Kings/Clippers game a few years back where Bill Walton would not stop talking about how bad Peja's haircut was. Granted, it's Bill Walton I'm talking about here, who has the tendency to overexaggerate many things, but most of the time it's things related to the actual game. Peja's wasn't blessed with bad hair like Kaman; instead, he was blessed with the luck of always having his cut by the person at SuperCuts who had just started working there. Or maybe he does that by choice. Also worth mentioning is Steve Nash's current Tom-Cruise-with-down-syndrome look.

29. By position, name the ultimate starting five from the SLAM era.

PG Jason Kidd, SG Michael Jordan, SF Scottie Pippen, PF Tim Duncan, C Shaquille O'Neal

30. Who should be on the cover of SLAM 100?

Michael Jordan. Even though it'd be his 9th cover, who else deserves it?

E-40 - My Ghetto Report Card

2006-04-18T12:58:00.000-07:00

In their quest to unveil more and more new talent to their viewers, MTV recently referred to Vallejo legend E-40 as a "new artist". Odd, considering his discography of 13 years and 10 albums and all (including a greatest hits record). Perhaps it's their prior blatant ignorance of the Bay Area's hip hop scene in general and E-40 specifically, as they've never really played his videos, except recently on MTV Jams when they played "Rappers' Ball" from his album Tha Hall Of Game, which they labeled as "Tha Hall Of Fame", totally missing the intended pun. Or perhaps it's because the public ain't been hit with a 40 track like "Tell Me When To Go" f/ Keak Da Sneak since... well, ever. Not to knock his past singles or collaborations with the likes of Fabolous and Nate Dogg, but with a whole (hyphy) movement behind him, 40 delivered their anthem. The true testament as to whether 40-Water's newfound hype will last lies in whether album #11, My Ghetto Report Card, has got the goods or not.

After utilizing the production ability of Lil' Jon for a track a piece on his last 2 albums, E-40 has joined up with Jon's BME Records imprint for this release, in exchange getting 8 beats from the dude who isn't blind yet wears sunglasses inside. Working with Lil' Jon is a good change of pace for 40, in the same vein as Kanye West piecing back together Common's career off the floor, on some "I scratch your back, you scratch mine"-type shit. Working with a creative personality like 40 (a far cry from the Trillville's and Lil' Scrappy's he's used to) allows Jon to pull some new tricks from up his sleeve, on the aformentioned hit single as well as "Muscle Cars" f/ Keak Da Sneak & Turf Talk, the electric guitars on "She Say She Loves Me" f/ 8Ball & Bun B, and the Billy Squire "Big Beat" drums on "White Gurl" f/ Juelz Santana & UGK. Not to be outdone, regular E-40 producer Rick Rock produces most of the remainder of the album, and arguably makes for a bigger share of the album's highlights with tracks like the opening banger "Yay Area", which turns a snippet of Digable Planets' classic "Rebirth Of Slick (Cool Like That)" (the anti-hyphy, if you will) into a bouncy track, "Gouda" f/ B-Legit and "They Might Be Taping", 40's cautionary ode to wiretapping.

The album doesn't really hit a snag until over halfway through, when we're presented with "U & Dat" f/ T-Pain and "I'm Da Man" f/ Mike Jones (good lord) back-to-back, two Lil' Jon productions which are rather formulaic and sound stale in comparison to the rest of the album; they're not necessarily bad as party tracks (well, Mike Jones' contribution is), but limit E-40's versatility and style. Later on, tracks like "Just Fuckin'" and "Gimmie Head" are about as tame as their titles imply, representing the misogynistic tradition of Bay Area rap that dates back to the early days of Too Short; lyrics like "It feels like I'm in your pussy when you're sucking my dick" may not be for everyone.

If the hyphy movement blows up outside of Cali, My Ghetto Report Card will be heralded as the national introduction of a fresh sound into a rap game choking on normalcy and routine. If not, it's still one of the year's most impressive releases, and one of 40's best releases, up there with '95's In A Major Way, '96's Tha Hall Of Game, and '02's Grit & Grind. And actually, the hyphy movement staying exclusive to the Bay might be the best idea, as some just don't understand the whole idea of "ghostridin' the whip". However, I'm hopeful that thizz dancing catches on, at least amongst pro sports mascots.

Did you hear that?

2006-04-16T19:58:00.000-07:00

Did you? It sounded like a clinch to me.

Not trying to say 'I told you so'... just trying to imply it (last paragraph).

Ol' Dirty - A Son Unique

2006-04-15T13:54:00.000-07:00

I remember where I was when Princess Diana died -- at a Tony Roma's in Palm Springs on family vacation, overhearing others talking about how "she didn't make it" before seeing the breaking news on TV. I remember where I was when Ronald Reagan died -- at my previous pad at 6693 Sabado, preparing to study for upcoming finals until I heard the news, then departed to the store to pick up a blunt to smoke to his memory. I remember where I was when Ol' Dirty Bastard died -- in Anaheim at a reunion show for A Tribe Called Quest, where it was announced over the loud speaker to much disappointment. Is it odd that I equate a rapper with a mile-long criminal record along side an ex-President and British royalty as far as the importance of their memories? More than likely yes, but that's what Ol' Dirty meant to me.

The recent death of rapper Proof and the circumstances that followed resemble that of Ol' Dirty's. When Proof's death first hit the news, the details were scarce, and mourners typically put together their own scenario -- a late night club, some argument, guns come out, Proof gets caught up in it, wrong place wrong time. But since then, new details have come out, stating that Proof had an altercation with a bouncer whom he pistol-whipped and shot, and then a fellow bouncer, actually related to the other bouncer, came to his defense and fired on Proof. The truth to this story is still in the air, but if it does prove to be true, it makes mourning Proof's memory a little difficult. Don't get me wrong, it's still a shame that he's gone, but what right to life does he have if he's willing to take that of another man? And if that other bouncer hadn't been there to fire at Proof, who knows if Proof would've fired more at the first bouncer? Proof wouldn't have been remembered as a gifted MC and integral part of Detroit's hip hop scene; he'd have been a murder suspect with a tarnished reputation and the focus of negative media reports on hip hop for years to come.

When Ol' Dirty's death first hit the news, it was equally shocking and mysterious. Ol' Dirty had pretty much lost all of the weight he had gained in prison, looking to be in good shape and spirits at the Wu-Tang reunion show in San Bernardino I attended in May '04. He was back in the studio recording music, and most importantly, he was sober, not only because of his probation status, but also as a personal choice to get his life back on track. Then, in November '04, he collapsed in a studio and died; initially labeled as "unknown causes", a month later it was ruled as an accidental drug overdose, after a ruptured bag of cocaine was found in Ol' Dirty's stomach. How could someone who would go on to be remembered as a kind, generous soul, deceive so many people by claiming he was drug-free before dying under such circumstances? It seems as if with so many questions that only Ol' Dirty himself could answer, it makes it unreasonable to focus on the negative details of his death and rather focus on the positive details of his life.

The most positive detail of his life, of course, was his music. After being released from prison in '03, Dirty signed with Roc-A-Fella Records, with plans to release his 3rd album, A Son Unique, as the 1st-ever joint venture between the premier record label of the 2000's with hip hop's most beloved empire of the '90s, the Wu-Tang Clan. But just as Roc-A-Fella had added a seasonsed vet to their roster in Ol' Dirty, so too did they add M.O.P., and Noreaga, and Joe Budden. Just as Damon Dash and Jay-Z had troubles trying to juggle release dates amongst these four as well as for albums from Memphis Bleek, Beanie Sigel, Freeway, State Property, Kanye West, Cam'ron, Young Gunz, and Jay himself, so too did they have troubles getting along with each other. Last year, after becoming Preisdent of Def Jam, Jay bought Dame out for his stake in Roc-A-Fella, leaving him with the rights to release albums through his "Damon Dash Music Group" (which may or may not still exist) for Beanie Sigel (who released the stellar "The B. Coming" last year), M.O.P. (who have since bounced to G-Unit), Noreaga (who's out doing reggaeton records somewhere), and Ol' Dirty (whose posthumous album still has not been released).

Will A Son Unique ever see the light of day? Not likely, considering that the most recent release date it was given was August 9th... of 2005. However, through my sources, I was able to hear the final recordings of the late Russell Jones.

With 13 tracks on the album, only 2 feature Dirty by himself; whether this was a result of Dirty's ultimely death, Damon Dash's oversight, or Dirty's choice can only be guessed. Chemistry between Dirty and his guests work where you'd expect -- "Back In The Air" f/ Ghostface and "Intoxicated" f/ Raekwon, Method Man and Macy Gray, both produced by the RZA, are the only tracks that have some sort of Wu-Tang influence, and "Operator" f/ The Clipse & Pharrell is a fun record in the same vein as the Neptunes' work on '99's N**** Please. The DJ Premier-produced "Pop Shots" offers one of Primo's best beats of recent years, but one of Dirty's verses from the original version is replaced with a verse from M.O.P.'s Lil' Fame, which doesn't hurt the song but limits one of Dirty's better performances on the album. The opener "Lift Ya Skirt" is catchy, but unfortunately, it was catchy enough to warrant Missy Elliott adding a verse.

Elsewhere, "Work For Me" f/ Young Chris and "How Ya Feelin'" are terrible attempts at club records, and the awkward female vocals in each are obvious reaches to recreate the success of "Got Your Money". Easily the worst song on here, however, is "Don't Go Breaking My Heart" f/ Macy Gray, a remake of a oldie and an embarrassment to anyone and everyone who has performed this song in the past, from Elton John to Burt Bacharach to Aretha Franklin. Ol' Dirty's previous attempts at singing were enjoyable because he was genuinely trying to sing; here, he's resorted to screaming the vocals at the top of his lungs, stretching out notes way longer than necessary. Other tracks focus away from the crazy personality that earned Ol' Dirty his notoreity, and more so on his lyricism, which was never his strong point. On top of that, his production is mostly uninspired, be it the unlistenable "Don't Hurt Me Dirty", or the lackluster RZA beats on "Stomp" and "Skrilla", which I wouldn't believe were produced by the RZA had it not said so on Wikipedia.

Do I feel good bashing the final album of a dead man who I otherwise admired? No, not at all. But it feels good to at least have some closure as to why this album has been delayed so much and has by now likely been shelved forever -- because it's not good, and wouldn't have aided Dirty's legacy at all. It's terrible to admit, but it seems that Dirty's ability to make good music was contingent on him being high, as much of A Son Unique sounds forced. Maybe Dirty himself was starting to realize this, and that's what led to that fateful day in November '04. But, once again, no one will ever truly know.

R.I.P. Proof of D-12, 1975-2006

2006-04-11T19:08:00.000-07:00

a.k.a. DeShaun Holton, who was shot and killed at an after hours club in Detroit early this morning. Proof won the Source's Unsigned Hype award in '99 after establishing a reputation as a superior battle MC, but he wasn't fully recognized in hip hop until '01 with the release of D-12's Devils Night, Eminem introduction to the world of his city's then-local talent. As 1/5th of the group, or 1/6th if you count Eminem (and 1/7th if you count Eminem's star power), he brought some credibility and a unique mic presence to a crew of rappers who, for the most part, tried to be "Eminem mini's" by emphasizing grotesque and shock value in their lyrics; few would disagree with the claim that Proof was the 2nd best out of the crew. Unfortunately, the embarrassing '04 single "My Band" practically confirmed the masses' acceptance of D-12 as Eminem's underlings. Proof was the 1st member of the crew after Em to release a solo album with '05 Searching For Jerry Garcia, which featured 50 Cent, Method Man, B-Real and Nate Dogg, in addition to Em and D-12.

For those that didn't know, Mekhi Phifer's character in 8 Mile was modeled after Proof, who went the farthest back with Eminem out of the rest of D-12, was the best man at Em's wedding, and also had a cameo in one of the movie's battle scenes. Ironically, in the video for "Like Toy Soldiers", Em's track intended to dead his beefs before he saw any one of his close friends killed, it was Proof who played the fictional victim whose funeral was attended by all at the end. Although I've been critical of him very much in the past year-plus, I have to say I feel bad Eminem right now -- with his recent divorce and ensuing child custody battle, the murder of one of his best friends is probably the last thing he needs right now. Also, following the death of legendary producer J. Dilla two months ago, and Shady Records' own Obie Trice getting shot in the head on New Years Eve (a wound which he has since recovered fully from), Proof's death continues what has been a tragic year for Detroit's hip hop scene.

Condolensces to all those closest to Proof, and may he rest in peace.

Back in the game

2006-04-10T10:54:00.000-07:00

After over a month of soberness as a result of having Mono, which impairs your liver functioning, I made a stunning return to alcoholism this weekend. What started on Friday with a handful of Rolling Rocks ended on Sunday night with back-to-back games of beer pong culminating just moments before midnight, when it officially became today -- a day in which I had work at 8 in the morning. Maybe somewhat reckless, but for the record, my doctor told me last Friday to wait a week before drinking, so I was simply taking doctor's orders...

["out of context" is the end of that sentence.]

It's 50!

2006-04-07T20:04:00.001-07:00

50 posts and still going strong. At least I think so. With my subprofile, I could always tell who had read it and how often they had read it, more or less. With this, I have no idea who/if anyone is reading. Blogger does keep track of how many people have viewed my profile, and it currently stands at 32. However, the last time I checked that number, it was at 16, and before that, it had stayed at 8 for a while. So maybe the number just multiplies itself by 2 randomly. I don't care really, and I apologize for wasting time discussing administrative shit; wouldn't you know it's the beginning of a new quarter here in SB.

Anyways, here's a funny encounter I had over this dastardly continuum we call the Internet. On Tuesday night, I received an instant message from what I could only assume was a woman, whose screen name I'll keep anonymous because it seems like the righteous thing to do. Our conversation was as follows...

******** (8:56:22 PM): hi
ariSTAcRat (8:56:33 PM): hi
ariSTAcRat (8:56:36 PM): who's this?
******** (8:56:39 PM): hi
******** (8:56:51 PM): this is linda i saw you on match.com
ariSTAcRat (8:57:04 PM): no you didn't, because i'm not on match.com
******** (8:57:25 PM): yahoo sorry
ariSTAcRat (8:57:38 PM): not on yahoo either
ariSTAcRat (8:57:46 PM): try again
******** (8:58:35 PM): brb
ariSTAcRat (9:00:14 PM): well, i won't be here when you come back, and i'm not signed up on any online personal ad thing, so if that's who you think i am, you've got the wrong person
******** (9:00:39 PM): i sent you an e mail is that not you
******** (9:00:43 PM): ok you do not live in madison
ariSTAcRat (9:00:51 PM): nope, i live in California
******** (9:01:14 PM): sorry to have bothered you.. wowww thats weird..... really weird... ok take care.. bye

I checked my e-mail, and sure enough found one from said screen name, and sure enough it was titled "linda". In the e-mail, I found three lines of text -- "aristacrat" "45-year old" "Madison, AL, US" -- accompanied by this picture...

Now, there are a lot of follow-up questions I have coming out of this situation. First of all, what kind of strange online dating service has you communicate with someone by sending them their own information? [Turns out it's match.com, by the way.] If I actually were on match.com posing as a 45-year old from Alabama trying to meet women (I'm not, for the record, I swear), what am I supposed to think when potential hopefuls send me e-mails with my own picture, age, and city of residence? Very odd.

Furthermore, why is this pictured douchebag giving women my e-mail address? Does he think it's his or something? And if you're 45 years old, isn't "aristacrat" kind of an immature screen name to have? I came up with the name when I was like 13-14 years old, when the Internet was fairly new to most of the nation's youth and the whole blatant-misspelling-in-screen-names angle was kind of the norm. I've kept it for this long because changing it, just like changing cell phone numbers, would require me to inform everyone I know about it... and trust me, that'd take days! [Just kidding... unfortunately.] But when I reach adulthood, have a professional job, and say, am trying to meet women, I doubt that telling people that my e-mail address is aristacrat@aol.com would get me much respect from them, and from myself for that matter.

Other questions I have are, "How nasty is this 'Linda' lady that she's lowering her standards so much?", "Is this some new sort of AIM spam/virus phenomenon?", "How the fuck did I get involved in this?", and "Look at that dude's hair!" [That last one isn't really a question... but seriously, look at it.] I'm sure there are logical answers to all these questions, but honestly, I don't want to know 'em. I'd just like to put this whole ordeal behind me, never talk about it beyond this post, and most importantly, never see this face again.

Except when I want to laugh...

... which is right now.

Dilated Peoples - 20/20

2006-04-06T15:14:00.000-07:00

Dilated Peoples' rise to recognition in hip hop mirrors that fellow hip hop outfit Slum Village: both established heavy followings in their hometowns (Slum Village in Detroit, Dilated in L.A.), used their local popularity to get signed to major record labels, worked with well-known rappers and producers, and remained relevant (at least when they had albums due out) despite never selling many records. Dilated's 2nd album, Expansion Team, went gold mainly based off of its $7.99 retail price -- shit, even I bought a copy. Both groups even had the assistance of a Kanye West beat AND verse on the 1st singles of their 3rd albums, and then neither ever got a 2nd single on radio. Nowadays, Slum Village is making music on their own independent label. Dilated, however, remains backed by Capitol Records (Slum Village's former label, oddly enough). But for how much longer? Not to predict negativity, but in a rap game dominated by the likes of Mike Jones and D4L, I'm curious as to where Dilated fits.

On 20/20, Dilated takes it back to their roots, with entirely in-camp production and few guest spots outside of the extended fam. In the process, though, it comes off as predictable -- no real surprises, just another Dilated record. It leaves them at an odd crossroads, as they're not trying to reach out to the masses and make club records, but rather trying to keep true to their core fanbase by sticking to a formula that is now 4 albums old.

Not that the formula doesn't work anymore, though. Evidence and Rakaa's MC skills are without question, and they shine on tracks like the single "Back Again", and two of their best tracks to date, "You Can't Hide, You Can't Run" and "Kindness For Weakness" f/ Talib Kweli, both of which work off of dope vocal samples. Their solo tracks, Ev's "Another Sound Mission" and Rakaa's politically-driven reggae-sounding "Firepower" f/ Capleton, also find both at the top of their game. But for an album that's 13 tracks long, just like Neighborhood Watch, it contains more filler than one would want. Songs like "Rapid Transit" and "Satellite Radio" suffer from dated production and weak hooks, and "The One & Only", the obligatory DJ Babu-scratch record, has little replay value and wastes a tight beat that could've gone to making an actual song. We all know by now that Babu is a skilled DJ -- dedicating 4 minutes of an album to that fact is no longer necessary, and I wouldn't be disappointed if Dilated's next album broke away from tradition and left one of these off.

While 20/20 is a step up from Neighborhood Watch and proves that Dilated can still make good hip hop, it also appears as if they're content with simply making good hip hop their standard. It won't get them much notoriety outside of L.A. (and parts of Europe, for that matter), but if they're content with that, then good for them -- in fact, it's kind of refreshing. I'll still support 'em and check for their live shows, but I'll be hopeful that the set lists contain more of their older material.