Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Oh, how the once mighty have fallen

There was a time when Denise Richards was one of the hottest actresses in Hollywood, if not thee hottest. I recall this time rather vividly because, to me, it didn't seem like it was that long ago. It felt like just yesterday when she co-starred in Wild Things, playing a disturbed and rich (great combo) high school student getting her white t-shirt soaked while washing Matt Dillon's car and making out with Neve Campbell topless in a swimming pool. Or in The World Is Not Enough, the otherwise-lackluster Bond flick where she played the always-desired role of 'Bond girl' to sexy perfection -- persexion, if you will. Or in any of the other film and TV work she's done, where she brought back memories of making out with Neve Campbell topless in a swimming pool. She was still the shit when she married Charlie Sheen, which, at the time, had actually done more to bring Sheen's public image back to normalcy (of course, things change), rather than bring her own image down. Unfortunately, marriage eventually brings down even the prettiest of famous women.

Turns out that nowadays, Denise Richards is no longer making out with other attractive young actresses. Instead, she's making out with Richie Sambora. That's right, the guitar player for Bon Jovi; I almost typed "ex-guitar player" until I remembered that Bon Jovi inexplicably still has a career.

My initial reaction to this, following me hitting the floor and curling into fetal position, was, "Isn't Richie Sambora like 45 or something?" Turns out he's 46, so I guess I was actually being courteous. Then, I had to ask myself, for lack of not having anyone else around to ask, "What does a pretty young thing like her find in a fossil like him?" That is, besides the obvious fact that the only thing sexier than an aged rock star is an aged rock star with a cast on his arm. Then I read Denise Richards' age -- 35. THIRTY-FIVE! If I'm the only shocked by this, I'll stop, but I assume I'm not, so I'll continue.

This means that since Wild Things came out in '98, Denise Richards was either 27 or 28 in that movie playing a high school student. Looking back on it, I feel like I've been deceived, but I can't really place blame on anyone for it. After all, Hollywood has been doing shit like this for years -- matter of fact, I'm more than convinced that the main dude on "The O.C." with the brown hair is pushing 40. So, not 10 years after she won over men of all ages by showing off both her boobs and her lesbian tendencies, Denise Richards is now on the bad end of her 30s, soon-to-be a mother of 2, dating a has-been, and has an ex-husband who wants to kill her when he's not looking for kiddie porn.

Fallen, indeed.