Baskin Robbins only had 31...

I've long been a fan of IV Delimart, and I've made no secret of that. They've long held it down with 75-cent blunts, and the occassional 2-for-1 5-packs of Peach Optimos are always clutch. And dude that owns the place is one of the friendliest people in town, always offering a "have a good day, eh?" as you leave -- that Middle Eastern "he's one of the good ones" charm. Well, turns out dude in moving up in the world, as was reported in the Nexus (give the credit where it's due), he bought a company in Israel to produce his own brand of hookah coals and tobacco, which he will sell out of his store, called "Isla Vista Coals and Tobacco." Great name, but why? According to him, he wants to give some representation to IV, and "not for drinking or Halloween, but for something good." And really, what's better than tobacco? In fact, what's alcohol without tobacco? And what's Halloween without either of the two? Welcome to Isla Vista -- we're one underground gun cartel away from an ATF investigation!

What's so super-special about these new coals is that they're triangular, which will help keep them from falling off the hookah and on to unsuspecting carpet. This will apparently keep "landlords happy, and students from losing their security deposits." That's only half-right, though -- students aren't getting their security deposits back regardless, and that's what'll keep the landlords happy. Case in point, my housemates and I got charged $35 for broken fire extinguisher glass outside of our former residence, and assuming that our neighbors got charged that as well, it basically means that replacing fire extinguisher glass costs $70. Just something to keep in mind next time something catches ablaze on property you're renting. If you can secure enough of your belongings in time (say, everything you've bought within $70), then let that baby burn! Just make sure it looks like an accident first. That'll stick it to 'em!

And as far as the new tobacco goes -- 36 flavors! Let me spell it out so I can capitalize it to emphasize even more. THIRTY-SIX FLAVORS! I'm wondering if "smoke" is gonna be one of 'em. That'd be an effective means of cutting out the middleman (that guy's a bitch, anyways). As soon as they're available, rest assured they'll be purchased one by one for some pure, lung-darkening satisfaction. Just don't tell our landlord -- he probably won't want to be reminded considering he likely saw it out on the carpet this morning while he was mowing the lawn. Fortunately, he gave up hope on convincing us to move our mini-fridge off the carpet, cleaning up the oil in the garage -- you name it, we've ignored our landlord about it. Not communicating with a guy you pay $547.50 to every month -- that's living right there.