Thursday, March 16, 2006

Does this sound bitter?

For those of you who haven't heard the news, allow me to explain my week-long absence from the outside world. I possibly maybe likely could have Mono. I'll spare the effort of going through all the symptoms I'm dealing with -- Wikipedia does it so much better anyways. One thing I'll point out, however, is about the sore throat that comes along with it. When they say "sore throat", they ain't kidding. It's difficult to eat, swallow, cough, talk for extended periods of time. There's no prescription for it, so I've tried anything and everything over-the-counter -- Regular Strength Tylenol, Extra Strength Tylenol, Advil, Advil Liqui-gels, Robitussin DM, Chloraseptic, Cepacol, various forms of throat lozenges, soups, teas, and so on. And basically, nothing has worked effectively for more than a few hours. Add to that the fact that going to sleep at night guarantees at least 6 hours of going without any medication or liquid, which makes absolutely no progress.

Apparently, you can test "negative" for Mono yet still have it. Furthermore, you can test "negative" for Mono TWICE and still have it. Clearly, a medical shortcoming that doctors try to keep on a need-to-know basis. Whatever this mysterious infection that has plagued me since the beginning of the month technically is, it looks enough like Mono to have two medical opinions tell me to treat myself as if it is Mono -- although I'm suspicious of just how much of a "Doctor" the guy at Student Health is, his mustache definitely rubbed me the wrong way (no homo).

So, for the past week-plus, I've been home in the Valley, doing what one must do to get over this infection: rest. Without working internet and digital cable, I surrounded myself with whatever entertainment I could gather -- iPod, The Price Is Right (R.I.P. Rod Roddy), People's Court, newspaper, blood tests, PS2, movies. As is typical with me, and I'd assume most of the student body here, I brought a bunch of school shit back home with me and never touched any of it. Fortunately, I was able to squeeze out a couple of two-day extensions for the two take-home finals I'll have next week. Flash a doctor's note in a professor's face and they react like Craig Ehlo to Michael Jordan. [Speaking of which, this is awesome.]

The worst of all of this, though, is that because Mono can have affects on how your liver functions, I'm not allowed to drink alcohol for the next 6 weeks. Since I was first told this on March 6th, mathematically that means that the next time I'd be safe to take a drink is on April 18th. So much for St. Patrick's Day, celebrating being done with finals, Spring Break, Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays, and occasional Mondays until then. On the bright side, I don't have any desire to drink, so I don't physically feel like I'm missing out much. Wait, should that even be considered a "bright side"?

To sum everything up, I'm in a pretty fucked up state right now. I'm tired, I'm lazy, I got shit to do that I have little desire to do, and I'm taking medications on a continuous loop -- basically my normal everyday life minus the medication part, unless you consider marijuana a medication. And by the way, I ain't touched that stuff in weeks either. Something was telling me it wouldn't be in my best interest to ask a doctor whether or not I'm safe to blaze while having Mono, and since it spreads through mouth secretions, I wouldn't want to share a bong or blunt with anybody any time soon.

So I shall proceed from here, with no timetable for recovery, no sure-fire method of getting better, and my lymph nodes protruding from my neck. Fuck yes, I'm bitter. This sucks. Have a nice day!