Tuesday, March 06, 2007

"It's not fooling anyone!"

So, as I'm departing from the jay-oh-bee the other day, taking my usual elevator ride down 22 stories (actually 21 when not counting the traditionally-absent 13th floor), I find myself sharing space with a middle-aged gentleman, one hand clutching a briefcase, the other a box of raisins. The briefcase and raisins are rather insignificant details, but I like to paint a picture when I tell a story -- call me Stevo Bucasso. Anyways, dude appears to be on the bad end of his 50s, yet he's sporting a mop-top haircut, a pretty uncommon combination. Considering that the sides of the hair seemingly growing out of the top of his scalp are not attached to the sides of his head, it gave off the impression that homeboy was rockin' a toupee. Now, I don't claim to be an expert in identifying toupee-wearers, but I'm not without some experience -- my orthodontist's hairpiece used to lift off at the sides, kind of like the hat Napoleon Bonaparte wore.

As time passes in the elevator, homeboy tilts his head downward for some unknown reason, perhaps to conceal the excitement he's getting from the anticipation of eating raisins. [And let this aside be a reminder of how shitty it must be to grow old -- when's the last time you looked forward to eating raisins?] As he does so, I notice a bald spot on the top of his head, and just like that, my "homeboy's rockin' a toupee" theory has had holes put through it like so much gunshot wounds. And that got me to thinking...

Older men wear toupees in an attempt to hide from the general eye-possessing public the fact that they're bald and/or balding. However, making one's toupee appear too obvious defeats the whole purpose of wearing it in the first place. A toupee, by definition, appears as if it were a perfect piece of hair -- and realistically, how many guys pushing 60 would you believe to have full, perfect heads of jet black hair? Basically, what I'm taking the long route to explain here is, I've come up with a genius brainstorm, which is...

Toupees with bald spots in them. [Patent pending!] Think about the benefits for the customer. The suspicion that passers-by used to have as they'd silently question whether or not one was a toupee-wearer -- GONE! And more importantly, it could do wonders for their self-confidence. Rather than feeling forced to make some improbable leap from having a dome that the sun reflects off of, to having a head of hair that the Gods themselves would envy, they'd be able to move back to a more believable "mid-balding" phase, and thus more fully embrace their imperfections. Granted, they'd still be lying to themselves, but just not as maliciously. They would now have the courage to stand up to the world and say, "Sure, I'm not perfect, but at least I'm not some bald LOSER! Now, if you'll excuse, I have to go somewhere to cry and eat raisins."

Of course, there is some risk involved in this idea. The success of the concept itself relies heavily on secrecy, and merely advertising the product could effectively let the cat out of the bag. [And what type of twisted freak would put a cat in a bag, anyway?] Furthermore, there is also potential for increased suspicion, as people who would simply otherwise be dealing with their continuing baldness might then be looked at by others as possible toupee-wearers. And trust me, the last thing that I'm trying to accomplish here is to alienate those truly great American heroes, who treat their bald heads not like a mentally-disabled sibling who's kept in the attic and fed fishheads, but rather, like a close companion for the all of the world to see.

As you can clearly see, this is still a work in progress. I'm open to assistance, so be sure to tell all your friends. And don't forget to also tell them this: "Patent pending!"

... and while we're on the topic of baldness, I couldn't resist throwing this in.