Thursday, March 15, 2007

Number one in Afghanistan, G!

There's something funny about this Khalid Sheikh Mohammed dude, and I'm not referring to the fact that his middle name is apparently pronounced "shake", though I must admit that I find that fucking hilarious. But this whole things just reeks of "patsy" -- I mean, how coincidental is it that the one guy who the U.S. has most recently captured is claiming credit for organizing 9/11, and the 1993 World Trade Center bombing, AND the beheading of American journalist Daniel Pearl? If I were to compare the Taliban to a corporation, then organizing such major deals like the two most historic attacks on U.S. soil in past 20 years seems like something that a guy in a Board of Directors, "I run shit"-type of position would handle. Meanwhile, chopping off a dude's head seems more along the lines of a middle-management, "trying to move up in the company"-type of task. I just can't see a "mastermind" like this Sheikh dude sporting the mask and gloves, stepping in front of the camera, and getting blood all over his Armani suit (hypothetically speaking, of course -- in Sheikh's case, a smelly white tee), before hopping into his Ferrari (dune buggy) and heading to the country club (deserted cave) to meet with Osama Bin Laden for a round of golf (comparison of facial hair) and a meal of caviar and champagne (sand and water).

Hmmm. "Mastermind" Khalid Sheikh Mohammed. Mastermind Sheikh. Master... Shake?

BOOM! Suspense! Kind of puts a whole new twist on that whole ordeal in Boston earlier in the year. Marketing campaign, you say? I think "striking fear into an entire nation" is a more fitting definition! I think back to the good ol' days, when promotion was you telling something to someone, and telling that someone to tell someone else, who would in turn tell another person, and so on and so forth. That way, you could get your word out to, like, SIX people! Much more effective than some battery-operated board with blinking lights and a middle-finger-extending creature from the Moon, and fewer people shitting their pants because they think they see a bomb. I'll tell you, there's something wrong with the kids these days -- staying up later than 8 p.m., watching "stoner cartoons", funding terrorism with their dirty habits... oh, I'm sorry, you didn't know DRUG MONEY FUNDS TERRORISM? Open your eyes, people! It's a fact! Eff ay see tee!

[Boy, that Nick sure is a push over. You'd think he might ask Norm for some ee vee eye dee ee en see ee.]

I'm surprised, and a little disappointed, that no one in the media has picked up on this suspicious connection, but I'm confident that it'll be easier to pick up on once the U.S. captures Sheikh's co-conspirators, Aasim Freilaak Najar and Ali Faarooq Al-Meetwaad.